Thursday, March 31, 2005

He's So Shy.

I came home slightly drunk and ate 3 ginger candies. Now my mouth is burning and I'm going to bed.

I had many comedy epiphanies tonight but I will share them later. But know this: I decided it's fun to have anorexia. Yee-haw.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

This is why we go into the bathroom to pee together.

-----Original Message-----
From: Brandy Barber
Sent: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 11:49 AM
To: Sara Allocco
Subject: Sad

OK, who has on her headphones at her desk and is singing quietly along to "Everybody's Changing" by Keane, fantasizing
that I'm making out w/ [UNATTAINABLE SHARED CRUSH] to it?! LOSER.

-----Original Message-----
From: Sara Allocco
Sent: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 11:51 AM
To: Brandy Barber Subject:
RE: Sad

Whooo, the things I'd do to that boy. One night. One fucking night is all I ask.

-----Original Message-----
From: Brandy Barber
Sent: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 4:11 PM
To: Sara Allocco
RE: RE: Sad

I would fuck him in half. And then, I'd give one of the halves to you, sugar.

I Loved This Sweater Vest.

People, you need to come out and see me make this happen. Especially if you missed my last 2 shows. And you know who you are.

Experience me reading poetry I wrote the year I thought it was appropriate to cut all my hair off because it was "ugly" and "curly", and I'd rather have none than to not have big 80's poodle hair and cockroach bangs like all the "pretty" girls did. It made sense at the time, along with stuffing my bra and praying to be frenched nightly.

_______________________________


MORTIFIED!
Angst invades the East Coast!
Announcing Mortified NYC !

See an all NEW East Coast cast of the hit LA show share their most pathetic childhood writings... in front of total strangers. A night of utterly shameful teenage poems, diaries, essays, and creepy love letters. New city, same melodrama. (And yes, these shows will sell out.)

WHAT: Mortified NYC
WHEN: Sunday April 17th + Sunday April 24th @ 8pm
WHERE: The Tank
432 W 42nd St b/t 8th & 9th Avenues
COST: $10
TICKETS: Available now @
www.SmartTix.com

STARRING : Sara Allocco, Brandy Barber, Abby Gross, Margot Leitman, Jen McNeil, Dave Nadelberg, Will Nolan, Giulia Rozzi, Victoria Scroggins, Maria Suozo and Law Tarello.


Monday, March 28, 2005

Honesty is the best policy for making yourself look like an ass.

I was out the past four nights carousing. Each night had its own variant of hi-jinx. All nights did not involve complete drunkenness, but they did all involve staying out very late and being exhausted the next day. A lot of disco naps took place. Pictures of these adventures to follow.

My impulsive nature allows me to do things that are incredibly cringe-worthy and therefore all the more entertaining. These include stroking someone’s arm as he was leaving a bar and confiding to him in front of a table full of friends and mutual aquiantances, “I was trying to flirt with you before, but you were getting your head licked.” [NOTE: This should not have to be explained, but due to feedback I will include that he had a shaved head]. The next day, when I was briefly sober, I recalled this incident, groaned, and then went back to sleep as it was only 2 pm in the afternoon. You know why? Because I’m subtle & classy.

Here are some movies I have not seen, that I am supposed to see, because my friends loudly shamed me at a diner at 5 am for not having done so:

It's A Wonderful Life
White Christmas
The Big Lebowski


In turn I shamed them for not having seen:

Strictly Ballroom
Goodfellas
Xanadu

So there were plans made all around for cinematic escapades.

I am eating chicken noodle soup and I am so tired. I am going home tonight and putting myself into a deep sleep.

Rob Webber: I am so, so sorry I tried to take off your pants and also that I crawled on you and gyrated. It wasn't funny, it was invasive and rude. Sorry if it made you have a boner. Our friendship is worth more to me than a boner. Thanks. Oh and also I forogt to add I'm sorry I pulled up my shirt and screamed "Put 'em on the glass". Also inappropriate.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Friday, March 25, 2005

Problem Child 2: Electric Boogaloo.


Problem Child 2
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
There is no particular reason to post this other than that I god damned fucking can.

GOD FUCKING BLESS AMERICA!

"We should stop environmental disruption."


Banana Express
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
Sometimes my creepy insistence on pictures being taken because I think they wil turn out "kinda funny" may make my close friends want to pinch me.

Take, for example, my schreeching for this photo to be taken under the oddly titled awning of a long ago Health Department condemned food service establishment, during a sleet storm no less. Yet, these kind comrades (and one polite, poor fool who took the photo after having a lovely blondie bat her eyelashes at him) stuck with me in my artistic vision, fueled by free Stellas on draft and a genetic pre-disposition to manic behavior. And the end result is priceless.

All aboard the Banana Express, mofos!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Winnie's: A Karaoke Odyssey, Part the Fourth & Final.


Not so smart.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
Nothing says "karaoke birthday" like low grade alocohol poisoning. And I mean, nothing.

I'd like to interrupt my Karaoke Odyssey to bring you...


We Hated Hanson
Originally uploaded by saraisloco.
You are welcome.

Winnie's: A Karaoke Odyssey Part the Third.


Big Spender
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

...and here we see that my karaoke style has changed little from the days of old. This photo was taken in 2001, at one of the handful of birthdays I've had at Winnie's.

Only a few day prior, the chubby, seemingly sweet guy I'd been pity dating for a few weeks announced his bisexuality to me by abruptly dumping me for 1) another woman (who at the time was dating his best friend) and 2) an obnoxious, unfunny guy. At the time, I cried a lot about it, not because I was that broken up over it, but because he was so unattractive and he beat me to the punch.

Note how badly I'm taking it here. I put on a trampy dress and bolted down some mai tais. That night, My ex and close friend John gave me a birthday card of a mod girl riding a Vespa, and on her white turtleneck he had written "[first name of chubby, seemingly sweet guy] IS FAT". I still have it.

Later, a Mexican dwarf will appear at the bar and chat up my friend Joay and a man in an eye patch will literally paw at my friend Emily as he accosts her while caterwauling into the mike in Cantonese.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Winnie's: A Karaoke Odyssey Part the Second.


The Power of Love
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
Here I am, having jumped in to assist Anne in her magic rendition of "Power of Love". I am not fucking around here, people. Note the arm action.

(Brianne is in the background, strolling out from the ladies' room)

Winnie's: A Karaoke Odyssey Part the First


3.16.05
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
Here is a photo of Anne and I at Winnie's, a dark, filthy, delightful bar in Chinatown to sing karaoke for Brianne's birthday. Me likey karaoke! And I have just found out the Winnie's has FINALLY added new songs to its song book, something I thought I'd never live to see. I choose "Cruel to be Kind", "The Greatest Love of All", and something else which I just now forgot.

Monday, March 21, 2005

.55 cent


Refreshing Paradise
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
This is the total that I have had in my wallet since mid-week. My friends have been nice enough to spot me, and as a result, on Sunday morning I was treated to a diner breakfast of two eggs over medium, corned beef hash (which I doused in Tabasco sauce), whole wheat toast with butter, and french fries, washed down with a cup of very cream-heavy coffee. It was marvelous and I want to go order it now from a local greasy spoon to relive the glory. Except now I spent the .55 cents...so I am eating left-over Saltine cracker packets from the junk drawer of someone who used to work here's desk.

Man, it was great not to eat something that was years old from the pantry.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Stuff it, Creep.

I have been at the computer for a really, really long time. It is so nice to sit here, uninterrupted and just troll the internet, catch up on old emails, and eat a plate of Cracker Barrell sharp cheddar slices and Tagalog Girl Scout Cookies.

I love to find amazing entertainments online.

I need to get outside today and not be a shut in. But for some reason I can't seem to motivate myself to. I get like this sometimes, where I pray for a day off to do all of my errands. Then the day off comes and I don't want to leave the apartment. Damn you, ADD!

The Scorpion Bowl

All statements will be made in sentences in this entry.

1) I like Jake In Progress because not only is it fairly amusing, but John Stamos is fucking ravishing- especially his hair.

2) I got to see the final episode of Spaced last night and I was not thrilled, even though I do so love it.

3) I read "Dry" in about a day and it was amazing.

4) I held some scret joy in my heart when I flipped on American Justice and watched some of the special of the woman who ran over her cheating husband.

5) The joy of being single continued when I flipped channels from American Justice to Lifetime which was showing The Burning Bed, which I did not watch, but appreciated.

6) I went to a bar in my neighborhood that I've not been to before but have wanted to go to and it was pretty OK.

7) I looked at couples at the bar and considered what it might be like to date someone who actually enjoys going out to have a drink at a bar once in a while.

8) I made roasted zucchini and cheese raviloi for dinner.

9) I love, love, love Dr. Pepper.

10) I feel like I have finally gotten two consecutive nights of rest, after three weeks of insanity.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I will NOT apologize! Part 3

I will not apologize for being genuinely hurt that some friends did not see the either of the 2 shows I worked on these past 2 weeks. This goes double for those who invited me to see their shows this past year, which I did. That is despicable and I officially have a stick up my ass about it.

Ben told me that I was being unattractive by focusing on the negative instead of being professional by being simply happy I had a strong show. I disagree. These were reflections of me, and while the fact that I made random people laugh in both of the shows is awesome, that doesn't mean I don't want my closest friends to see the result of my hard work. It's bullshit.

To be fair, things happen. And to those people who e-mailed to say they were not going to be able to come/did not make it due to justifiable extenuating circumstances, thank you for letting me know so I didn't worry.

Word up: if you have a friend who performs, you must attend at least one show of theirs every few months. That's called being supportive. And if you can't, let them know why you can't and apologize.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Attn: Jesus

I just laughed myself silly with Porter over some very, very special e-cards. Never you mind, faithful readers. I shall slowly be sending a surprise your way on the world wide web.

I am so amazed at all the lovely friends I am blessed to have, who came out and supported me this weekend, and at last week's show. It is so amazing to have friends see what you've worked on. It means the absolute world to me.

Also, ferret party.

Monday, March 14, 2005

I'd like to hand her a tampon grenade, and how!

The story behind 'The Bumper of My SUV' by Chely Wright

''In June of 2003, I was one of many entertainers, athletes and actors who traveled to the Middle East to entertain the troops. … truly inspirational for me due to the fact that my brother had just served in Iraqi Freedom. Our tour missed him by 10 days. Chris is a Marine. Before he was deployed to the Persian Gulf, my brother sent me a small Marine Corps sticker.
''I proudly marched down to my [SUV] in my garage and slapped that thing on the back
. Most of my motivation for doing that was pride, but a bit of my reasoning was simply that I was scared. My brother was going off to war. I wanted to show my support of this fact …
''So, after I returned from that initial trip into Iraq, I was driving down a main drag there in Nashville called West End when something happened. Something obviously moving enough for me to drive straight home and write this song. What you will hear in the song, The Bumper Of My SUV, is the absolute truth. No exaggerations, no poetic license, and truly how it made me feel. I had no intention of ever playing this song for anyone.
''I am in no way trying to exploit the situation in the Middle East by writing a country song about it and 'cashing in.' I am simply keeping my promise to about 4,000 young men and women who personally asked a favor of me ... and I humbly said, yes.''

Am I alone in wanting to throttle this dumb bitch for sending her own brother to war along with hundreds of other innocent military personnel since she had to have a fucking gas guzzling SUV (she and every other moron in the US, for absolutely no decent reason)? And then writing a song about how upset she is that someone thinks she's full of shit? What a fucking opportunistic freak. Tell you what, I don't see your fucking loser ass over there, which seems odd since you're so proud n' patriotic. Feel free to march it on over to Iraq with your cracker ass guitar in hand you fucking assface.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Jo Jo Beaver Hand Puppet.

When you are on line during the day, as long as you get your work done, who the fuck cares? Apparently some of my co-workers, who took it upon themselves to "comment" to my boss that I was.

Now I will readily admit, I have been really bad these past few days. I've been slacking a bit, online constantly doing stupid time wasting things and putting out show related fires. But all of my work has been done before deadline. I just haven't asked for as much work to replace it and instead waited until I was assigned it. Sort of passive aggressive, but true. Sometimes you need to blow off steam. My boss and I were chatting about something and she politely and diplomatically brought my "personal emailing" up. Now that is confusing, because I do tend to check my own email accounts frequently. But I also send personal e-mail from my work account quite a bit. What does sending a lot of e-mail mean? I am going to assume it means being online on the non-work account. Fine. Although I don't like being told what to do ever, I understand where she's coming from. But here's what makes me angry: she said other people had mentioned to her that I did a lot of e-mailing. And that is bullshit. I don't work for other people, I work for her.

I am really hostile now. Who wants to work with a bunch of nanny goat tattle-tales? And even more upsetting is the idea that this was even discussed, because obviously it happened in my absence. I feel like I've been sent to the corner, how stupid. My boss was very cool though and also apologetic. She said that if I want to deal with that stuff on my hour lunc break that was fine. So now I am going top make a sign that says "I AM AT LUNCH" to be a dick to the tattler(s). How fucking lame is that, that I even have to do that?.

God what if it was work crush? I will kick him in the dick if so.

LATER: As I was editing this, a co-worker said my sign was "cute". Cute like a hand grenade I'll have you know, sir/madame.
I had a show tonight, and on a scale of 1 to 10 I give it a 5. I put 6, because there were some great moments, but then I came down on myself because it should have been tighter, so a 5 it shall be. It was odd to perform in front of an audience again. I loved it. Especially because I knew what I was going to do, that made it so easy for me. Why the fuck did I ever try to do improv, I was awful at it AND it made me so nervous. What an idiot.

I managed to round up the jewelry, blazer and shoes I needed for my costume as well as get ahold of a program that allowed me to record my voice as a sound file so that I could have my voice over sound cues played while I was onstage. That was nice. I am so proud of myself, as this was all done during a fucking HUGE snowstorm with winds that were literally making people slide across the street in front of me. I traipsed through the awful weather with a backpack full of costumes stuff, a lightweight wood artist's easel, 3 pieces of posterboard, and my purse. As the wind nearly turned this assemblege of shit I was lugging into a hang glider of sorts, I had to remind myself that I live in the most amazing city in the United States. This helped. Although it did not keep me from screaming at the top of my lungs and shaking my fist at the wind, at least I was smiling this time.

I really should be alseep I have to be at work in 5 hours. No wonder I have walking pnuemonia.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Oh, Mini Dreams!

Dammit, Dratch beat me. He's gotten Gawker Stalked twice to my once(which was really only by default). Why, I oughta!

Saw the Thursday night (3/3) production of Wicked and who entered the Gershwin lobby as I was waiting but Rachel Dratch. She is little, so much skinnier in person, and looks like…Rachel Dratch. Couldn’t tell how many people she was with but one man looked very similar to her, so I hope it was her brother and not husband.

Red Gummy Bear.

Someone just walked down the hall, singing to themselves: "Mashed potatoes and meee- at".

How DARE You!

Who ate her considerably growing weight in Girl Scout cookies this weekend? Why, Ms. Brandy Barber, that's who!

I had back to back sketch show rehearsals this weekend and it was so exciting. I kept dancing around onstage in between scenes like a buffoon, but it was unbridled energy I could not control. Even with walking pneumonia, which I am 80% I have, I was at my happiest. I need to make this happen for myself more often. I was in my element.

Plus, I got to hang out with some really lovely people, see a fun show, watch MST3K with Porter, and have stimulating conversations. Liam and I discussed our ultimate date fantasies, and both of us were grasping at straws at first. His was awesome, like the real life realization of the song "Stepping Out" by Joe Jackson- a true New York fantasy replete with elegance galore. I am still confused as to whether or not I would rather idealize the idea of ANYTHING from the past or present or future happening (i.e. going to see ELO, going to a Factory party, being an extra in Xanadu) or reality. Reality is hard to define as far as Ultimate Dream Date. I have clear ideas, but then again, I'd hate to put that onto a boy. Because what if he planned to surprise me with a bunch of awesome things that I had no idea about and that would introduce me to new stuff that I could potentially love and I ruined it by being bossy and prissy? I feel the same way about women who plan their stupid weddings down to the most minute details. How selfish, it's supposed to be for BOTH of you. It's not your fucking prom. Although I also feel pretty strongly that weddings are like ultimate adult prom . How lame.

I am going to think more about Ultimate Dream Date today when I get the chance.

Chanting.

I just need to get through this year. If I can get to September, and I'm still in one piece, I'll be OK. Everytime I freak out I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact. I just have to get through this year.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

So exhausted

I am at the end of my rope. Need to sleep. I am so tempted to go and lie in bed right now but if I do, I am going to sleep until 11 and then be awake. So I shouldn't.

That being said, I am going to go grab one of my 12 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, shove a sleeve of Thin Mints in my maw, and crash.

No self control Barber is at it again, kids!

Friday, March 04, 2005

Reprinted From an Earlier E-Mail to Sara.

Hot ass work crush is standing right next to me using the microwave which is by my desk (which I assume is probably giving me a helpful but unnecessary abortion since it looks like it's from '79). My face is at his crotch level and I'm trying to see if there is any reason to rip his pants off (there may be a delightfully suspicious bulge). He is so soft spoken. Man he is KILLING me he is so fucking adorable. I have on headphones and he started talking to me and I just took them off and they got caught in my barrette, so I was yanking at my head like a buffoon...jesus, what's up Jerry Lewis?! I just kept my replies to one word responses after yesterday's debacle.

Yesterday:
WORK CRUSH WALKS UP WITH A CUP OF TEA WITH A HUGE SILVER TES INFUSER METAL THINGY STICKIGN OUT OF IT. I STARE AT IT QUIZICALLY AND THEN CHUCKLE.

ME: "For a second I thought that was a huge safety pin, ha ha."

WORK CRUSH: (furrows brow and sort of smiles nicely as one would to a piss-scented, ranting homeless man) "No."

ME: "I thought, to each his own, ha ha [internal monologue: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING, SHUT UP! ABORT!!] I don't judge."

WORK CRUSH: (mumbles something pleasant which is a verbal escape hatch from crazy girl who guards microwave; escapes with tea)

ME: "What the fuck did I just do?! Why do I ever even open my mouth?!"

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Everyone has dreams.


There is a god.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
Mine was to be in the same room as this man. Now that dream is dead.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Yum Yum!


Yum Yum!
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.
I am sick today and have lost my voice. I was supposed to be in a show tonight but had to cancel because my attempt to project my voice was comical. Now, I am about to go to sleep, but not before I eat some delicious cake.