Thursday, March 27, 2008

And he was an anti-Semite, which is wack.

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney

I think he's an anti-Union, Jew-hatin' creep. But I do grudgingly concede that this is a great comment. Damn you, Walt Disney! DAMN YOU AND YOUR INSIGHT!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

"The Dirty Buggers."

I am having a sick day at home, on the couch. I am loving my sick day. Except for the sick part. But here is what I am watching and I honestly cannot even tell you...you have to see it, to believe it. Enjoy these 3 segments of this series as found on YouTube. I highly recommend you watch them all when you have time just to hear the listing of the birds' names. Priceless. Check out How Clean Is Your House? on BBC America if you can! I love that Kim & Aggie.

Part One: CHARLEY BUBBLES BUM BUM BIRD!



Part Two: SLUGS!



Part Three: DRIED BIRD TURDS!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Come See The Kissing Booth This Friday!


The Kissing Booth is a monthly comedy showcase hosted by duo Brandy & Sara. Stand ups, sketch, songs, and more from NYC's premiere performers, always with a spectacularly drunken finale. If you can't make the show, drop in for the FREE late nite dance party that begins directly after- cheap booze all nite long. Pucker Up For Comedy!


The Kissing Booth presents: Hooray for Hollywood!


WHERE: The Tank

279 Church Street b/t Franklin & Leonard, TriBeCa
WHEN: Friday March 14th
doors at 9:30 PM, show at 10:00 PM
COST: $5
$3 Bud Light available all night, $4 wine

Brandy & Sara, inspired no doubt by last month's Oscars Party Hi-Jinx, are headed for the big time- that's right, Hollywood. But how you say? With the help of their spanking new agent, the very talented JJ BeFaurghten. Come be a part of their meteoric rise to fame at the hands of this maestro, and see some comedy superstar stylings from:

Catie Lazarus!

Eliot Glazer!

Jon Friedman!

Anthony DeVito!


PLUS: Photos by the actual ANYA GARRETT ( www.anyagarrett.com), a rival comedy duo, comedy's finest blogger, guest appearances by KATINA CORRAO, ROB GORDEN & SEAN CRESPO, and THE RETURN OF THE DRUNKEN SHITTY KARAOKE FINALE!!! Be there!


www.myspace.com/thekissingboothnyc
www.thetanknyc.org

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Like Traffic & Weather.



If you look close, you may be able to find a very drunk myself & Matt Sears, my dream date for this 100 person only concert on the deck of the Ship Peking at the South Street Seaport. Seriously can everyone just worship the amazing songwriting stylings of Fountains of Wayne RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE?!? Thanks for that.

Sean Crespo Has No Prior Knowledge: America's Next Top Model.



My pal Sean asked me to come act like a turd for his very funny vlog at Television Without Pity. And wouldn't you just know- I did! Also this is not a picture of me but it is what came up when I typed "stupid models" into Google Image! WACKY ALERT!!!

Anyways please click over and check it out, they don't have an embeddable player so you have to make a quick trip to the site but GODAMMIT I AM FUCKING WORTH IT YOU SELFISH, ARROGANT TOAD!!!!!!

Ewww. Gross.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Songs What I Forgot: You're The Biggest Part Of Me, Ambrosia



I have been on the phone all god-damned day for work and just now, when I got to the part where I was seriously about to SCREAM if I had to be on it for one more second and as I was on hold for yet another fucking 10 minutes, suddenly, this song came on on soothed the savage beast. This is AM Gold in its purest form and it makes me very, very happy and giddy and much less likely to tell the person on the other end of the phone to do as I say before I reach down their throat and punch them in the fucking heart. And hey, you can't hate an appearance by Merv Griffin, everyone's favorite elevator killer.

GO TO A BAR RIGHT NOW AND ORDER AN ABSOLUT VODKA.



I am no corporate whore. But when it comes to comedians who I respect to the utmost, I may or may not change my tune. Absolut Vodka, I will buy your god-damned product because you gave Zach Galifianakis money to do an ad for you, with the caveat that he got to do whatever he wanted. And then, there was magic. Well done.

If you do not like Tim & Eric, then your name is Porter and you are my mean old roommate.

Thanks to Jos for this.

Friday, March 07, 2008

It Breaks My Heart, So Hard.



Such is Ready For The Floor by UK folk-synth dance sensations Hot Chip. This song is so perfect in so many ways. When I hear it it makes me almost want to cry because it's such a chorus of pure joy, and fun and that one night you went out with your friends and got wasted to the perfect place where you were trashed but were in no danger of puking and you danced all night with the hottest tall guy ever who may or may not have been an Olympic volleyball player and then made out on the dance floor like you were on the deck a sinking ship and then you went to Del Taco, ate a shit-load of food with their dope green sauce on it, walked home and passed out in your awesome comfy bed- and woke up only mildly hung over because you drank a lot of Dr. Pepper before you went to sleep. And also you had an easily hidden but very much enjoyed hickey.

SERIOUSLY though, Why is it the Europeans can craft so many perfectly fearless shameless awesome anthems to getting out and just fucking dancing your ass off?! What is the hang up in America about this? Cut the yappin' and get to scratchin', people (ewwww, I admit I went too far there). I wonder if it's rooted in homophobia (re: ballet/dancing is for "fags"-sad, ignorant thinking that I hate to admit some people do), and/or some sort of puritanical distrust of anything remotely fun involving the human body, like some sort of slimy residue left over from from the early "settlers".

All I know is that when I watch this video and see that adorable scamp dancing his ass off in a 1/2 a Joker costume, I feel sad for everyone else who's missing out on this band and on that choice to go out and just shake a fucking tail-feather. Will someone please introduce me to a hot tall British man who has an unapologetic love of old school hip hip, 70's-early 90's r&b and new-wave dance magic? Because right about now, I think they are kind of like fabled unicorns in which I catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye and then they're gone, galloping away with my palpitating heart.

Anyways you should go out and buy all the Hot Chip albums, right now.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

**3 Things Learned The Hard Way**


Thanks to my homey, E-Ski for this one.

1. You Teach People How To Treat You.

If someone walks all over you and you say it's OK, they'll do it again and again. You're saying "I'm not worth it, you don't have to respect me." While I'd like to think everyone that I care for would return that adoration by being respectful of boundaries, the fact is that the world just doesn't work that way. It's not easy when you're someone who always wants everyone to "like" you as I once did, to my own detriment. It's VERY Hard to confront people when you want very much for things to always be smooth sailing. But once you start doing it, it gets a helluva lot easier to say "You know what, you're being a dick. Cut it out or take a hike." This goes as much for romantic relationships as with friendships, natch.

2. Never apologize for liking what you like.
I have loved the movie Xanadu since I saw it when I was 6 years old. It makes me happy. In a world full of lies, bullshit and evil it is one of a handful of things that just transports me to somewhere fun and safe and enchanting. Is it a god-damned Ingmar Bergman masterpiece? No. Does it feature the lead from the Warriors AND an Australian country-Western singer gone pop mainstream superstar on roller skates? Hell, yes. And that right there is, to me, priceless. For so long, I felt kind of bad about this- especially in New York, the land of film school refugees clad in black cargo pants, Adidas Sambas and sporting goatees, who all want to reference Kurosawa while subtly stroking the semi-hard boner they've once again given themselves under the table. You know what? I want that time back. I want that time I wasted being unfair to myself to try and "fit in" with a bunch of cretins BACK. Point being- don't waste yours not being yourself.

3. Being financially independent is very, very attractive.
Rich people who were born with $100 bills jammed up their assholes are not financially independent. People who settle into marriages and proclaim they're totally happy being "stay at home Moms/Dads"- unless they have a couple of years of savings in the bank- aren't, either. Being financially independent to me means simply that you live within your means and you know what's going on with your money at all times. Not obsessive- not checking what Jim Cramer said about stocks on your iPhone every 5 minutes. And not blowing through cash like a drunken lottery winner from an Alabama trailer park in the K-Mart. And while we're at it, not going out to bars and waiting around trying to get drinks bought for you. Add that to the list. Buying your own fucking drinks and having enough cash to do so- now that is something. How about buying a round for a really great group of pals, just because? Because that's the kind of shit people who are financially independent can do because they know what the hell is up. They know when to spend and when to save. They don't whine about having no money and then eat out every night and expect you to, too. Nope. They know when rent is due and don't go out on a spending spree right before, and they have a $1 hot dog when needed without complaint to make sure that bills are paid on time. It's not quite cheap- because they are not stingy per se. They are sensible. Just being in charge of your financial well-being is great. And letting other people do it for you or influence you, that is lame.

Where Are Your Manners?



Dear everyone,

It is just not nice, nor fair to take a hidden video of me lumbering around, squeaking thru yet another red-wine induced hangover. Shame on you.

Signed,

Me.

Monday, March 03, 2008

For Those Who Still Think It Exists.



Hard To Live In The City, Albert Hammond Jr. (Live)



New York, New York, Cat Power (Live)



New York, I Love You, LCD Soundsystem

#2: Use A Strategy For Happiness.

Today's entry in my new book obsession told me figure out what I wanted and then, develop a strategy to go after it. So here were my thoughts. Enjoy them in all their vapid splendor.

1. Put together an awesome outfit of muted charcoals and black, giving me plenty of leeway to prance about wearing my gold foil spike heels (which I may have ruined after Thanksgiving when I stepped in mud and demanded this be photographed as some sort of yuppie commentary on Williamsburg's condo explosion. I had had a lot to drink. Clearly.)



















2. Listen to 50% more Chromeo (always a mood enhancer- "Fancy Footwork" will change your whole day)



















3. Get my hair cut to morph into one that more closely resembles that of lovely Karen Elson (after all she managed to snag Jack White with it so it's obviously a winner).