Songs What I Forgot: Right Here (Human Nature Remix), S.W.V.

Damn, that's my equestrian jaaaaaam. This song still rules and if I still had a tape player, I'd be listening to it on CASSINGLE. Remember cassingles?! No? Well, Grandma B. sure does.

Get MORTIFIED Tonight!

Hey all, come on down tonight to see me, that's right, ME, get totally MORTIFIED!

Mortified!

A comic excavation of teen angst artifacts as shared by their original authors before total strangers.

Comix
53 W 14th St New York, NY 10014
8 PM

ADVANCE TICKETS - $15
DAY OF SHOW TICKETS - $20

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people. Mortified is co-produced in New York by Brandy Barber & Anne Altman.

*** Two-item minimum per person in the showroom.

Please click here for tickets!

Mini-Vacation Movie/Sean Crespo Has No Prior Knowledge.

If you care to do so, click on this fun video to see our pal Sean's TWOP vlog, which is both a commentary on VH1's stable of reality show trash from its Flavor of Love, Rock of Love and I Love New York starring on a new competition show called I Love Money, AND, a living document of our recent Greenport winery trip! BOO YAH!

The Day The Popping Off Died: Bad Girl's Club II is no more.

I knew it would come to and end, I just didn't realize how empty I would feel inside without my Tanisha fix. There were times I got cross with her for being unfair & unreasonable but you know what, no one is perfect and I have to say she impressed me with her growth. I want the best for her, I truly do. This second season of Oxygen's smash The Bad Girl's Club was my special treat to myself and I enjoyed the bejeezus out of it.

Why would I waste my time, you ask? Reality shows are beneath us, says you? Well, put down your pipe and that leather bound tome of yours, and take a gander at this, Einstein. I defy you to tell me this show was not fucking riveting, rollicking comedy gold afer reading this excerpted entry from Tanisha's online blog, regarding the explosive BGC2 reunion special:


It was shocking that Lyric [who left the house after only 2 weeks and a lot of crappy Rasta-esque poetry and really, really lame raps as discussed by the always amazing Jezebel- Ed.] decided to verbally attack me. I was completely thrown off because first of all I never had a problem with her mal-nourished spaghetti string, broom stick bamboo a$$.

She left the house simply because her sorry a$$ was there for all the wrong damn reasons. I mean come on now. Who the hell is going to sign someone that has the same name as the words of a song? Lyric? Yeah right Melissa! Try using your real name you hating a$$ b*tch! What I want to know is How the f*ck am I jealous of your nasty stringy scrawny dirty filthy a$$? B*tch what the hell are you doing with yourself? Besides making home videos and hitting up your local karaoke clubs and posting them on you tube? You’re a hater and that's all you will ever be Beiotch!

When your a$$ left we left on good terms. I hugged your frail a$$ and said my good-byes and that was that. I even spoke to you over the phone once after that when your pathetic worthless waste of good life a$$ called crying on the phone talking about "I should have never left man. Damn". B*tch get f*cking real!

You call yourself a queen? A role model and a star? Hahaha! The joke’s on you. You didn't last two seconds on the Bad Girls Club, the Tyra show, or the reunion. You’re just a hating a$$ trick that can't get a record deal even if you slept with half of the record execs across the U.S. You make me sick because your wack and weak and so damn fake!

You knew you had to leave the house b*tch because there could only be one captain and that was me! Your a f*cking loser flat a$$ wanna be rapper b*tch! Keep hating because I will always be big and marvelous. And you...well I suggest you go "watch a Tyra".

The only reason why I didn't drop kick your sorry a$$ was because I know how the LAPD gets down in LA. Thank the heavens you good for nothing smut! **On another note it was cool seeing some of the old camera crews. I think that was the best part of all. To the bouncer who held me back: Lyric owes you her sorry a$$ life!**

Whoooo-weeee! Lyric does, indeed, need to fall back like "whoa"! I cackled like a plump, hateful hen throughout this reunion special and it left me wanting oh, so much more. All I know is, I am going to ask Tanisha to be my MySpace friend and if she says no, I may have to pop off this mortal coil.

Farewell, BGC2. Enjoy this final goodbye...a touching song tribute if ever there was one.

PS When you watch Oxygen's video clips for this show, the stupid mini-ad that comes on is for canker sores...say no more.

Scenic Greenport.

Had an amazing weekend away. I so rarely leave the city as, to me, being in New York is like one big crazy circus-vacation-dance party. But it's nearing (GASP!) 9 years that I've lived here and after an idyllic visit on the Island last summer courtesy of my friend Kloke (OK, OK it WAS the Hamptons, but I always felt creepy saying that out loud as if by so doing, I'd then immediately develop an Oompa-Loompa fake tan and get into an SUV and run over people) , I decided I wanted to make this summer of 2008 about escaping.















And so, after some impassioned Craig's List searching, a rental house was secured and pals were rounded up and driven/Jitney-ed/LIRR'd out for proper weekender visits. There was a hot tub, a Tiki Bar, stuffed jungle pets and a lot, and I do mean a LOT, of lighthouses. Also there was a life-sized Jar Jar Binks inflatable pool chair that really upset everyone. Too soon, Jar Jar. TOO SOON.















We went to some great wineries (I highly recommend both Castella di Borghese & Osprey's Dominion). One had an all breeds dog show taking place next to it, which was quite a sight. We drank 3-5 bottles of sparkling wine in an afternoon in a gazebo, rode bikes, watched Thank God It's Friday, Trading Places, April Fool's Day and Season One of Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job, grilled farm stand veggies, switched out the 8 smart-assy statement-stamped beer cozys ("cosy" or "koozy"- someone clarify for me please) that were purchased impulsively as host gifts, ate strawberry-rhubarb pie and bacon for breakfast, and attempted to play a mint copy of the NHL VHS Board Game that was found in a closet. And there were lots of naps.




































































All in all, one of the best weekends I've had in I don't know how long. Enjoy pictures (thanks for those, Alty) and feel bad for yourself that you didn't go, peasants.

Greg Gillis, I think I want to marry you.

I am so ready for summer and this weekend is the big kick off! A trip out of town is in the works and I am all a-wiggle with G-L-E-E!

This sums it all up, AND HOW!

Of A Different Feather.

My friend Carla has a cool mailing list called, Bird of the Day. You should sign up. Why? Because stuff like the excerpt below from today's mailer will come to your very own inbox every darned day. Thanks, Ms. Carla!


Contemplative Cockatoo.


















Contemplative Cockatoo works in an office all day surrounded by fellow workers that are somehow content with being locked in a windowless box and typing with their mangled carpal tunnel claws all day whilst their dreams whittle away.

Will Contemplative Cockatoo fly away and risk not having health insurance?

Or will he let his brain turn to slush and suffer the same fate full of
flat screen tvs, white picket fences, suvs and prime time television?

Too good.

The thing is, is this episode of Tim & Eric Nite Live is so uncomfortable, so honest, well-acted and so truly spot on it's blowing my mind. For anyone out there who has ever tried to produce & perform in their own comedy show, you will see yourself reflected in at least one of the people here. Let's hope it's not James Quall, however.

If you don't know who Tim & Eric are, you're really- as a comedian or a lover of comedy- doing yourself and the Unites States of America a disservice. Smart, subversive, creepy and fucking brilliant. I know I talk about them a lot on my blog and in person to any and all who will listen, but it's because seeing what they are doing is such an inspiration and I am just thrilled by it. They have a DVD out of their first season which I highly recommend. Do yourself the favor of picking it up, STAT.

And if you have some time, watch the follow up episode #12 of Nite Live which honestly...makes me just feel like I could go outside and get hit by a car and never get to live my comedy dreams because, I mean, why? How can it get better? I don't think it can. Pure genius.

Cat. Hat.

I love my cat. I don't give a fuck if you don't like it. And although I have accepted my crazy cat lady status, I have to say...it's never going to be this bad.

Thanks, WikiHow!

Hi, Pep Pep.

This is my master now. I worship thee.

The Kissing Booth: Final Three Shows Kick Off TONIGHT!

The Kissing Booth presents: Final Three Shows Kickoff!

WHERE: The Tank
WHEN: Friday April 25th, 2008
doors at 10:00 PM, show at 10:30 PM
COST: ABSOLUTELY FREE!
$3 Bud Light available all night, $4 wine

Brandy & Sara are nearing the two year anniversary of their show! That’s right, almost two years of nonsense, hi-jinx, lewd talk and overall drunken bumbling is nigh. After some careful consideration, the gals have decided to take a hiatus after they hit that mark- so come on down for the 1st of three final shows! That’s right- the countdown has begun! Come cram in some on-the-clock comedy!

With:


Brad Steuernagel!

Jay Bois!

Neil Statsny!

Rob Gordon!

Giulia Rozzi!

Videos from Oren Brimer/Pete Holmes/Matt McCarthy, Classy Comedy & Matt Ruby

…and more TBA!

Be there!


www.myspace.com/thekissingboothnyc

www.thetanknyc.org

Hey You Guys, I Played With The Ween!!!

I'm going to see Ween at McCarren Pool if it kills me. Also this movie makes me happy, and I do not care a fig if you say otherwise. Enjoy It's Pat!: The Movie.

Horsey Rides! Steppin' Out! Pop Off! Bring It Son!

One of the most traumatic moments of my life to date, was seeing a picture of someone I was in the process of having my heart broken by, beyond inebriated, riding a kiddie ride outside of a New York bodega. It was clear from this wacky photo that a night of drunken fun had taken place, and that this night the kind of shit-kicker that was worth posting photo proof of, and, sadly, that said night coincided with me not getting the usual phone call. Take it from me- when they don't call, they are up to something and there is just no other explanation. Life Lesson #1, folks.

Anyway, this was my first concrete clue that things were about to get straight up soul-crushing. And, oh, were they ever. But I forgive you, kiddie rides. You are but an innocent bystander in the world of drunk pranksters. You can't help that you were taken advantage of by a creep- or any creep, really. Not could I, in hindsight.

And so this clip from Bad Girls Club II was a welcome treat.

CLICK HERE FOR "Ride 'Em" SINCE THE OXYGEN WEB VIDEO EMBEDDER IS A PIECE OF GARBAGE

I don't have much time in my life to say, read the Penguin Classics Library or meditate. But watch a bunch of fun, wild, mouthy broads fighting all the day long?!? Oh, I do implore you to sign my ass up, kind sire!

And just for fun, here is a clip that also reminds me of my stated dealings with dopes of the male variety:

CLICK HERE FOR "Tanisha's Lament" SINCE THE OXYGEN WEB VIDEO EMBEDDER IS A PIECE OF GARBAGE

You tell 'em, Tanisha, you tiger!

This Time I Know It's For Real.

This Time I Know It's For Real from anya. on Vimeo.

It's been almost 2 years since Sara & I made our foray into the variety show world with our humble entry, The Kissing Booth. No, there is no actual kissing booth involved. Well, once there was, but it was for charity only and it got way out of hand. Enough said.

We didn't have any idea what we were doing- and still admittedly don't- but we knew we wanted to do something that made us happy. And we hoped that it would make people who came happy, too. As we begin to get to the end of the show's run, that's still the goal.

This video was commissioned for the very first Kissing Booth, ever. It was meant to be a segment where, we filmed live action creepy background videos-the type of which you see and howl with drunken laughter at when you are out at karaoke-and then performed them as the finale to our show. Sadly, the video was burned to a disk that would not play the opening night at the show, and which froze during it being played, never to move again. So no one really got to see the magic that night.

BUT! Here is in all its glory, and with the two year anniversary coming up, here's to hoping it may but yet have its day in the sun!

Thanks to Patrick, Bri and MT of Party Central USA and Jerry Miller. And, as always, Anya.

Songs What I Forgot: The Things We Do For Love, 10cc

Just such an amazing song. I'm amazed how this style of music was huge, then fell out of favor, and now is back in such a big way (albeit packaged differently, but still). I think it was always kick-ass. And then there's the fact that it's sung by 10cc, who if you don't know, you are dumb. Sorry but, you just are. And here is why.

Two members from this awesome band- Godley & Creme- were also responsible for concepting/directing the Police video for Wrapped Around Your Finger (yes, the one with all the candles), Herbie Hancock's upsettingly awesome video for Rockit, and when not directing MTV video megahits, they had 85's hit single Cry (a format later to be ripped off by mega-molester Michael Jackson). Not to be ignored, another 10cc member, Grahm Gouldman, sang the leads on the ONLY soundtrack that I may possibly love more than Xanadu- yes, it's true there is but ONE competitor in my heart for the affections of ELO (which is funny since people often compare both bands to the Beatles AND, Jeff Lynne produced Free As A Bird and Godley & Creme directed the video for Real Love- NERD ALERT). And that film would be 1980's Animalympics. I mean, listen to this. It STILL makes me bawl.

I am a nerd. Did I mention that? Oh. OK. Well I am one. Yep.

It Takes a Dump.

You and me both, sister.

Thunks as always to PostSecret.

And he was an anti-Semite, which is wack.

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney

I think he's an anti-Union, Jew-hatin' creep. But I do grudgingly concede that this is a great comment. Damn you, Walt Disney! DAMN YOU AND YOUR INSIGHT!

"The Dirty Buggers."

I am having a sick day at home, on the couch. I am loving my sick day. Except for the sick part. But here is what I am watching and I honestly cannot even tell you...you have to see it, to believe it. Enjoy these 3 segments of this series as found on YouTube. I highly recommend you watch them all when you have time just to hear the listing of the birds' names. Priceless. Check out How Clean Is Your House? on BBC America if you can! I love that Kim & Aggie.

Part One: CHARLEY BUBBLES BUM BUM BIRD!



Part Two: SLUGS!



Part Three: DRIED BIRD TURDS!

Puppy Vs. Robot!

I am mezmerized!

Come See The Kissing Booth This Friday!

The Kissing Booth is a monthly comedy showcase hosted by duo Brandy & Sara. Stand ups, sketch, songs, and more from NYC's premiere performers, always with a spectacularly drunken finale. If you can't make the show, drop in for the FREE late nite dance party that begins directly after- cheap booze all nite long. Pucker Up For Comedy!


The Kissing Booth presents: Hooray for Hollywood!

WHERE: The Tank
279 Church Street b/t Franklin & Leonard, TriBeCa
WHEN: Friday March 14th
doors at 9:30 PM, show at 10:00 PM
COST: $5
$3 Bud Light available all night, $4 wine

Brandy & Sara, inspired no doubt by last month's Oscars Party Hi-Jinx, are headed for the big time- that's right, Hollywood. But how you say? With the help of their spanking new agent, the very talented JJ BeFaurghten. Come be a part of their meteoric rise to fame at the hands of this maestro, and see some comedy superstar stylings from:

Catie Lazarus!

Eliot Glazer!

Jon Friedman!

Anthony DeVito!

PLUS: Photos by the actual ANYA GARRETT ( www.anyagarrett.com), a rival comedy duo, comedy's finest blogger, guest appearances by KATINA CORRAO, ROB GORDEN & SEAN CRESPO, and THE RETURN OF THE DRUNKEN SHITTY KARAOKE FINALE!!! Be there!

www.myspace.com/thekissingboothnyc
www.thetanknyc.org