I think I'm moving home.

Seriously. I think I'm going to move back to California this fall.

I fucking hate LA.

People there get the opportuinty to take a writing class with Scott Auckerman, who I have both a talent & humping crush on. I suppose it would just be another opportunity for me to make a fool out of myself by slobbering on him much like I did to my former teacher Kevin Allison, when I offered to have he & his boyfriend's baby. I wish I was kidding. Sadly a lot of thought went into it on my part and I thought it was kind of cute to say it outloud. Then I had another drink or six.

This made me feel strange.

Animal cruelty? It seems the answer is yes.

Grandpa wins by a mile!

You tell me. Because I don't know.

BEAT IT!

Nigel just wants to be left alone.

"If you'll excuse me I'm going to take an all night drunk, and then I'm going to go find the shark that killed my best friend."

I think this was the line Bill Murray said. It was a long movie. But it made me laugh.

I watched Closer and there was a lot of sobbing. I would like to say to anyone who went through a recent breakup, especially if there was infidelity, you may want to avoid viewing it. I also was beyond turned on by Clive Owens, who I have had dreams of being ravaged by since Croupier. He is such a beast. I fantasized that Clive Ownes was saying to me (instead of lucky, tiny Natalie Portman), "You're going to take all your gear off right now, and you're going to turn around very slowly, and you're gonna bend over, and you're gonna touch the fucking floor for my viewing pleasure". This fantasy proved to be a better feeling than when you get the biggest slice of birthday cake, with the rose and all. Seriously, there's a scene between them (in a champagne room, no less) that summed up more than a few of my past relationships, and I suppose this similarity should have made me sad. Instead it made me wish I was still getting laid by some of those gorgeous, deranged hot losers of yore. When I moved to New York, I started seeing smarter boys, and the sex has suffered greatly. I no longer feel the need to make excuses for liking men that are bigger than me, taller and/or stockier. If I can hold my own in a street fight, than so should you be able to. It would be great if you also could discuss Heaven 17 and/or Tom Perotta novels, too. I find it attractive.

When I started looking for intellectual compatibility over the strictly physical, I expected that sex would be the least of my issues. Good plan, re-re.

So anyway...Clive Owens. Please do it with me.

Thai Sesame on Smith.

I just discovered this new feature on Blogger and became excited. What a nerd.

Have That Removed.

skeered
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

I still have a crush on John Laraoquette. Who can resist the pervy diligence of Dan from "Night Court"? Not me.

Here is something I would like taken care of immediately. I no longer wish to turn on the television and see any fucking commercials featuring computer generated animation utilized to make animals speak. Case in point: a stupid talking dog that may or may not disclose the family recipe for baked beans. I wanted to take my own life when I was forced to watch it. It's not funny, or cute. Let's not even get started on the toilet-paper hawking bears in the forest that prance out from behind trees where branches have been magically rigged to accomodate toilet-paper rolls. Does a bear shit in the woods? Apparently the answer is yes when he uses Kleenex Cotenelle to wipe his hairy ass. It makes me not want to buy your stupid products. Fuck what Middle America falls for, I'm not having it. No more anthropomorphic (sp?) sales-animals for Brandy. Can someone get on this? Jesus what do I pay you people for?!

I just watched Annie on AMC, and I was surprised how much of it I remembered. Of course, I watched it constantly when it would air in HBO- my schedule was made around these repeats that year- and had the cassette of the movie soundtrack, which I must have played until the tape gave out. I sang along absentmindedly while Nigel sat by me, putting up with my tone-deaf yowling. And of course I cried constantly. My uterus is an enemy these days, sending out hormones that fell my attempts at being a truly sarcastic bitch and making me weep at the most corny, treacly crap. In then end I was forced to use none other than Kleenex brand facial tissues, to my chagrin.

Now I'm going to watch It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I love Jonathan Winters.

dont look back

Friends & Lovers
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Meet Pee-Wee & Claude in person. At the last, that's right, THE LAST in our month-long run of sketch show at The PIT this Saturday night.

People, what more could you want?! There will be free Malibu & Pineapple jello shots. There will be me partially nude. There will be Sara in a dirty pink sweatsuit that says "Sweety Cherry" or some such nonsense. And, of course, these two boys who are pictured in the bed.

It's going to be tons of BYOB fun, and the party after will go on until at least 5 am. Don't be lame. Come out and be part of it.

CALENDARIZE!
written & performed by Sara Allocco & Brandy Barber
directed by Kevin Allison
featuring Matthew Weiss

Saturday June 25th @ 11 pm - $8
Show info & tickets here.

We suggest you pre-buy your tickets. Hell, we suggest you just buy them, moneybags. And bring all your cute single, 6' and up, dark-haired guy friends. Especially if they wear glasses.

Don't Walk Away.

Don't Walk Away.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

We all have dreams and goals. Mine? To be in an animation sequence like the one Don Bluth did in "Xanadu". God I loved that. What am I talking about? I STILL love it. Perhaps myy love of sheer things and frilly lingerie was born of this fascination. Yes that's right boys. I may dress like a lesbian PE Teacher 67% of the time, in jeans, flip flops and a Paul Frank T-shirt. But underneath the clothes, it's pure brothel action.

Jesus. I need help.

Ritualistic.

Ritualistic.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

I got nothing right now. But I sure do like this picture.

Dumb Things I Do, Part One Trillion.

Take Two
Originally uploaded by saraisloco.

I don't get excited when I see people I know/am vaguely aquainted with on TV anymore. It's sort of a given based on the way things work in New York right now that I can't put on some basic cable channel without recognizing the talking head making a fey swipe at Lindsay Lohan's CG knocker-dimisnishing in the oh, so timely "Herbie" re-make. But last night, as I sat on the couch inhaling the last box of Samoas from the freezer, I flipped the channel to see none other than my dearest Matthew! And I got so excited, seriosuly, like a wiggling squeaking puppy. SO I had to call him and tell him, "You're on the TV!!!!" and he laughed and said that that must get re-run a lot. It's not like I didn't see him the first time the show was on- I did- but still, I got all aflutter. He's a good person. He said my deranged behavior (my words not his) was his residual.

So if you're looking for a video editor extordiannaiore who happens to be a kick ass actor to boot, look no further than Matthew Weiss, handsome token male co-star of "CALENDARIZE!". And, to me at least, a bona fide celebrity.

Here's To Good Friends, Tonight Is Kinda Special...

Post Show.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Here's to friends who are adorable, and come out and see your shows when they are able.

One such friend is Quinton, who is shown here with me after an abysmal class show we were in together at the awful but conveniently located Triple Crown. Quinton, as promised, came out and caught the show last night, and provided lots of guffaws and claps. There is no substitute for your friends being there in the audience for you.

Now not only did Quinton come out to the show, but he brought 2 drunk people he met at a bar along. My hat is off the Quinton Loder, folks.

He is but one of many, and they all deserve to be lauded for their support of Sara & I. On a special note, as he is also a performer, it means that much more because I have paid to see him onstage in the recent past, and his returning the favor is honor among thieves. It amazes me how often this seems to escape other people, but I guess I was just raised with what the French call "manners".

I have to say, I love all of you who've come out or helped us in ANY way with this project. You're helping me to do what it is I've always wanted to, and making me the happiest I've ever been. My sincere love to you. Porter & Oliver, for coming to see the show again, all our film crew and cast, all our design helpers, Matt for being in the show and editing the significant amounts of footage like a pro, and Anne for putting up with us and pushing the switches up and down.

Side note: no, I am NOT still drunk off of my own 100% proof jello shots. Jerk.

PS: April, I hope Emma is OK! We missed you!

V.I.P.

V.I.P.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

CELEBRITY SWAG S.O.S.! A hyperventillating Hollywood publicist yesterday E-mailed this plea to luxury-goods purveyors: "Lindsay Lohan will be having a private birthday celebration in Hollywood this upcoming weekend. [We] will be responsible for getting the latest and greatest products for her 100 VIP guests. We hope to receive all donations by Friday, June 17th. If you DO NOT have enough products for the entire party, please let us know and we would appreciate anything at this short notice! Also, if you would like us to put anything 'special' in Lindsay's gift bag [that is, allowed by state and federal law] we can arrange that as well. Thank you for very much and we apologize for the late notice!" No, no. Thank you for very much!

I'd better get to work if I'm going to produce 100 turds in time!

Addendum to prior entry:

"Sire, please!"
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Here we are in action, attempting to prevent a blow job while our cab driver helps us by pulling up flush to the other cab.

Also please note that Sara has a blue tu tu in her bag.

Queen of all the dorks she surveys. Queen Dork.

Diney & Driver.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

This was a very nice cab driver. When Sara & I espied a blow job happening in the back of a cab, there had to be screaming and ruining of it. And he was kind enough to help us out by pullin gup to the cab where things were "taking place". While Sara and I screamed such angry things as "You'll get AIDS!" and "That's his home for the next 8 hours!", our driver comiserated with the driver of the blow job cab.

We liked him so much, we let him hold Diney.

Bandwagonesque.

Bandwagonesque.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Teenage Fanclub is playing a show on my birthday. I cannot wait to go and see them live, finally. I've wanted to since 1991. I think this is the year.

Dusk.

Crouching Loser, Hidden Beercan.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Even if I was rich, I'd still sneak in booze and drink it, especially when they want to charge $6 for a crap beer.

There's just something amazing about crouching under the bar, drinking from a can of beer you have hidden in your bag of costumes. Amzingly trashy. And I like it.

What the hey now?!

Oops!
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

This picture exemplifies the mystery and magic you'll find in my & Sara's debut sketch show, which you only have 2 more chances to catch!

The last show is almost sold out, and the one this weekend may be soon, so we strongly suggest you buy your tickets online by clicking here.

CALENDARIZE!
June 18 & 25, 2005 @ 11PM $8
free jello shots
The PIT 154 W. 29th Street @ 7th Ave.
www.thepit-nyc.com

Level 42 was an awesome band.

Level 1 (not, as you might suppose, Level 42).
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Sara & Kevin (and, not pictured, our friend Drew) had their Level 1 Class Show this weekend at UCB. It made me laugh, but mostly it made me realize how much I hate hate hate improv.