Hilarious Pratfalls.

There will be discovision this Friday night at Kris's Xanadu Birthday Party, I swear.

So far, I think the best part of The Comeback are the guys playing the writers. It's overall great, but they make me laugh the hardest.

I just made a donation for those people affected by hurricane Katrina. You should, too. Yes, I am on my soapbox.

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Fun Like Me?

Don't cha? Oh, how I love the Pussycat Dolls song/video. Ben opines that there is probably a lot of infighting betwixt the Dolls. Perhaps he came to that conclusion in between beat off sessions.

MOM STOP READING.


My ability to develop intense, hypersexed crushes on men I will never meet is legendary. The trend continues. Let's talk about how I want to sit on Carey Hart's face and grind the enamel off his teeth? I mean, give me a break. He's KILLING ME with that shit. I don't know why I got all crazed tonight but I was watching Inked and he made me all squirmy and hot. Carey Hart will you please just give it to me?!?

I have dignity. Oh, yes, I do.

The Borowitz Report Has Spoken.

From the last paragraph in today's Borowitz Report:

Elsewhere, in medical news, redheads who spend time in the sun and eat French fries and potato chips should already be dead by now.

The Secret Life of Hotdogs.

BRANDY AND PORTER ARE AT THE DINER ON SMITH STREET. BRANDY IS EATING- WHAT ELSE?- MOZERELLA STICKS. PORTER IS HAVING A GENTLEMAN'S SUPPER OF SPINACH STUFFED SHELLS. THEY ARE CHATTING AMICABLY ABOUT THE PAST WEEK'S ROMANTIC EXPLOITS. PORTER IS DETAILING A LESS THAN REWARDING ENCOUNTER.

PORTER: So I went to go meet her, and visit with her Mom, because they were all in town for a baby shower-
BRANDY: (rolls eyes and snorts in disgust) BOOOOOOORING!
PORTER: No, that's, it's not bad. I don't mind that there was a baby shower. I mean, I like her Mom.
BRANDY: But I'm being on your side.
PORTER: I know, but you like, do that where you hate everything about the story, even the parts that don't warrant hate.
BRANDY: (peevishly) It's because I love you.

PORTER GRIMACES.

Gooey Buttercakes.

Too lazy to write, rather cut and paste like a Hamlet typing monkey. So suck it.

the Wit (76% dark, 34% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN COMPLEX DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais The'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=17565214125862764376">The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules -

"It's like a mouth massage."

Last night I had the great pleasure of going to a lovely meal to wish goodbye to my dear Aram, who will be going to study in Dublin for a tick. Ed, boss and friend extrodiannaire, invited a small group of us to sup in the garden of Le Madeleine, a fabulous Theater District bistro where he happens to work. Now people, if you haven't been there yet you don't know what you're missing. Do yourself the favor of heading on over. The staff are all lovely and the food is amazing. Ed is class personified.

We were spoiled with a champagne toast, with all sorts of luscious appetizers and artfully made cocktails, and I managed to bolt down a rib eye bathed in green peppercorn cream sauce in the blink of an eye. It was the kind of meal that takes a few hours, where everyone chats leisurely and drinks wine to add to the enjoyment of the food rather than to get drunk. Rosanne was ecstatic over the fine meal, and marveled out loud that she never really "ate like this". You forget how fantastic it feels to treat yourself to a meal like that. It reminds you how simplicity is in itself amazing. I love the alchemy of cooking, how the most basic foods can be presented in ways that make them magical. Eating that dinner together was like living Big Night. I came home, crawled into bed, and was blissed out. What a perfect evening.

Aram to Rosanne: This is not Denny's.

Green Mexican Blanket From TJ.

This is the cutest, cutest dog. Ben's roommate, Steve, has a doggy named Crockett and I got to visit with him yesterday. This dog is rad. More on this dog later, as updates become available.

You should go look at this blog, which is written by a really brilliant comedian named Will, who has a brother named Kevin who is also really fucking funny. (There is another brother who I am not as well aquainted with- odds are, funny, too). Tanget over. Anyway, it's a cool discussion about music. I want to go back and look at it alot and then get all those albums, based on the loving things people say about them. I'm very impresionable it seems.

My friend Cathy is guestblogging this week. Check it out. She kicks so much ass. Also- if you're around Saturday go see her final Poetry Game Show at Bowery Poetry Club- it's at 4 PM, plenty of time to go see it and get drunk when it's light out. And it's part of the HOWL! Festival so you can be all arty and learn-ed and shit.

Too Good To Be True.

I just read this and laughed. So should you. I may have moved here after the city lost its Taxi Driver bite, but at least I admit it. This is why I would never, ever live in the Village. Because the people who can afford to live there now are the ones who ruined what was supposedly so cool about it.

I Shall Not Be Disturbed This Fine Evening.

From the A&E website:

AUG. 23rd, 2005, 9 PM: Dog and the family visit the Rockies for a little work and lot of fun, but soon they're on one of the biggest cases of their career. They go on the hunt for Harry, a repeat offender, and the search takes them through a seedy world of tattoo parlors, cheap motels, and crack dens. But soon Dog realizes that he will need all of his man-hunting expertise and even the Indian tracking skills his grandfather taught him if he has any hope of bringing Harry to justice. (1 hour special.)

Thanks!

Special thanks to Linsey, Dan, Dylan, Cheryl, Angela and her lovely friend, and Jane for coming out to see MORTIFIED! last night. It was the so much fun to read my new stuff you were wonderful to be there. It means so much to have support. And a big shout out to the cast who were so fucking great. What an amazing show!!! I am still blissed out from the performance high.

Best part of the night: After the show a lady came up and said she thought my diary reading was so funny. I said, "Oh, I was really an asshole, but thanks." She then went on to say that she was a social worker and that she was wondering when they were going to take me to "get help". [Spoiler: My diary ends with me lamenting about being taken to the shrink]. My Mom will surely be even more proud now.

My life is better as of the past hour.

And I will tell you why. Because I have begun to watch this epic drama. And I am going to sit here on the couch in my underwear until the last serving has been ladled out.


LATER:

PORTER: JACKEE IS IN THIS FILM.

EVEN LATER:

Wade Robson sounds not unlike Christopher Walken.

Come see me in MORTIFIED! Tomorrow Night at 8.

Hey, I'm lucky enough to be in the August line up of the coast to coast sensation, MORTIFIED! I'll be reading from my diary that I wrote in at 15. Ever wondered why I only ever hear from 2 friends from high school (one of whom I technically became friends with after high school because we never really talked when we were there, but I digress)? Come hear me read and see why. Let's just say I was a self-centered jackass. I know, I know, but like, more than I am now.

Not only will I be there, but there are a ton of other really awesome people performing, so please come out to see it. And if you think you have something you might like to read, by all means, go to: www.getmortified.com and submit it for an audition!

Hope I see you there, you queerbo.

MORTIFIED! NYC
August 21, 2005 at 8 PM $8
The Magnet Theater
254 West 29th Street @ 8th Avenue
RESERVATIONS ARE A MUST- call 212-244-8824
wwww.magnettheater.com

I am in love with this man.

I have been for a few years. But today I have decided he is beyond perfection. He has red hair, so clearly, he's genetically superior. He's 6'7' tall, which makes me squirm with delight. And he's British.

Clearly the perfect man. Now I just need to crawl on top of him and convince him that I am the woman of his dreams. I'll get to work on that right now.

You think I'm kidding, but I am out of control, head over heels infatuated and am writing a letter to him RIGHT NOW!!!!

Stephen Merchant, you sexy devil, you.

The Day Begins With Tears.

After laying in bed fantasizing about Jason Bateman, I woke up, had a bowl of cereal, took a nice long shower, and padded around the apartment. I checked my email and then, came across this article.

It actually made me cry because I was so happy, so full of awe and admiration and pride that there's someone out there who has their dream come true and is still humble and normal and gracious. It's nice to have a hero. In the interest of full disclosure, I may also have cried because now I HAVE to subscribe to HBO and cough up more money to those bastards at TimeWarner. Oh, and my period. But still.

"Violate yourself, Paige."

Just when I thought this lovely day couldn't get any better, I turned on Oh! and Friends 'Til The End was on. AND it's the music video in the desert scene, natch. Upon this particular viewing, I realized I love love love the 1997 fashions. The super short silk slip dress with the platform boots. Word. And everyone has a Rachael cut and Chanel Vamp nail polish and matte red lips. Also, there are lots of leather blazers. Eeep. Micro-mini skirts in tartans, opaque black tights, Mom jean Levi 501s with a big belt giving you that paperbag waist look, all sorts of little vestigial backpacks, cropped boucle roll neck sweaters, and the infamous cropped poorboy mock turtleneck with those 3 or 4 bands of color across the boobs. I feel like I'm back in college and it hurts so good. Full disclosure: I think I've seen this movie at least 3o times over the past 8 years, on a variety of cable channels. And Laura my dearest SF friend had it on tape and we'd watch it quite a bit way back when, right before our daily TRL/Judge Jusy viewings. Like a fine wine, Friends 'Til The End only gets better with time. That is, if the wine had huge rat-bitten chunks of Velveeta floating in it.

I guess when blood begins to pour out of my vaginal canal, I become Betty Crocker. Because today I baked a blueberry cobbler and ruined a fairly nice pair of pants.

"The molecules have stopped. It's clean."

I decided to make a loaf of zucchini parmesan bread. Now I am inhaling it. I am watching The Ice Storm. It is the key party scene. Alison Janney is amazing. I want to be her. I never want to get married, not after watching movies like this.

I ran into a bunch of people today and it was great. Actually, it started last night. I was walking home from Sara's and saw my friend Erin at, of all places, a bus stop. She's an amazing actress- the photo of me seeing the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival? She was one of the leads. Anyway she's just this tall lovely drink of water, and it was such a pleasure to look up and see her randomly in the city. Then today I saw a bunch of old improv friends from UCB, and then I had coffee with my friend April, who gave me the most lovely necklace she made for me. All in all, it's been a marvelous day. It's been one of those days that I talk about from time to time where I feel totally in love with New York.

My parents bought me an iPod for my birthday and I love it so much I want to insert it into my vag.

Pretty, pretty, goofy, scathingly hot Tobey Maguire. I want someone to talk to me about my aura the way he's talking to Katie Holmes, right before she passes out in his crotch.

I miss my brother, he went back to school.

Now I Ain't Saying She A Gold Digger...

..but she ain't messin' with no broke niggaz.

Oh Kanye West, you little scamp. I am on your side on this one. No boys, I won't date you simply because you're Wall Street trash with a huge paycheck and the lifelong adoration of your local drycleaner who you keep in business with your stupid button-up shirt & Dockers ration for the week. I don't care about the total earnings, per se. It's the manners. It's the fact that you ask me what I want to drink and make sure I have at least my initial cocktail in my hand within 5 minutes of my arrival. And that if you ask me out then you expect to pay for things. Now of course, if I ask you to something- a show, a concert, etc.- I'll take care of it, and gladly. You deserve to have me spoil you, too. But the fact that you say thank you when I do is so awesome. I guess that means you have to have some money, yes. Not much, just enough to treat me like a lady. Because even when I don't let you pay all the time, I appreciate that you make the attempt. It's the generousity that gets me. Acting like a "broke-ass" isn't just about the money. It's about your respect for me; it shows that you think I'm valuable and worth treating that way. Cheapness is as much an emotional behaviour as it is an approach to cash. That simple $7 Sapphire & Tonic is sure to earn you a night in the sack that would cost hundreds from your local Russian in-call massage service. Fairly generous returns, and maybe even a hand job. Or two.

Something I Love.

I cannot, WILL NOT stop being in love with the newest season of The Surreal Life. You shall never tear us apart.

I went to karaoke last night, and as I was leaving the house I told my little brother I'd be out for an hour. This was at 9 PM. I stumbled in at 3 AM (or 4?) and somehow managed not to puke via sheer will power. Also, I was distracted by hot makeout.

Whenever there is a torrential rain storm I seem to end up having a blast at karaoke. And drinking a lot of Maker's on the rocks. Thanks to the fabulous Portia and Emily for a Vassar-esque night not at Vassar.

My word.

You are Lydia from Pride and Prejudice! You
are a young, lively creature, without much
thought for much of anything beyond the next
moment of pleasure... at your most extreme,you are Louisa Musgrove in Persuasion,
jumping foolishly from a great height. At your
best, you are the belle of the ball, the life
of the party-- any party-- every party! You
are the most fun, and you know it.

Which Jane Austen Character Are You?
brought to you by

Delicious Brooklyn Friendships!

Matthew, Anne, Me, Steve, Sara, & Porter.















"Please, sire, I've cleaned the soot from the chimneys. Might I have a crust o' bread?"
















Oh, dear!
















Steve, Porter, Sara, Matthew, & Anne.

I wanted my brother to meet some of the members of my (BOYZ II MEN/A.B.C./B.B.D) East Coast Family, so we had an impromptu Brooklyn dinner tonight. Everyone was in great spirits, laughing and being gregarious. And nary a drop of alcohol in sight. We were laughing to the point of having tears in our eyes, and everyone in the restaurant, including the waiter who I (meaning Kathy & Terry, my folks, who paid for the dinner) tipped generously, hated us. Mission accomplished! Since my parents are so far away, I like them to know I have some great people around to keep an eye on me. I'm so proud of my friends. The bastards.
















Porter and Brandy love making dreams come true!