Let's Calm It Down A Bit.

I clicked here and saw this. It made me feel...icky.

We can dance, dance, dance, clap your hands, hands, hands- all nite long.

Thanks to all of our hilarious cast of A VERY BETSEY XMAS (Matt McCarthy, Brianne Halverson, Patrick Dall'O chio, John F. O'Donnell, Michael Cyril Creighton, Amanda Pettit, Michael Terry, Katina Corrao), our "pageant performers" (Robin Gelfenbien, Shayna Ferm, Shawn Hollenbach & The Sizzle Twins- Matt Guzzardo & Myles Kane) as well as our fantastic director, Jen Wineman.

And to all of you who came out to the shows, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support.

There is nothing like seeing 30 odd people doing the Electric Slide on top of smashed Twinkies and torn up tampons, munching candy canes and screaming along to "All I Want For Christmas" by Mariah Carey. Best sight in the world. Thanks, gang.

It's Your Last XMAS!

A VERY BETSEY XMAS, that is! Come out & get drunk watching us put on a play- what better way to show reverence to Jesus? Don't miss your very last chance to catch this show!

The Kissing Booth presents: A VERY BETSEY XMAS!

Written by Brandy Barber & Sara Jo Allocco

Directed by Jen Wineman

December 2nd & 9th, 2006 10:30 PM - $5
The D Lounge
101 East 15th Street, Basement Level
212-375-1110


Can the wily eye-patch wearing 10 year old Betsey manage to help her 4th grade teacher Ms. Collins save the community center, star in the Annual Non-Denominational Holiday Joy Fest Pageant, AND learn the true meaning of the holidays? Come find out in this show-within-a-show, featuring the talents of some of New York’s most fantastic stand ups, musicians and sketch performers, and stay for the drink specials and dance party after!

FEATURING:

MICHAEL TERRY (COMEDY CENTRAL’S MOTHERLOAD, PARTY CENTRAL USA)

KATINA CORRAO (CAROLINE’S, MINTYFRESH)

MATT MCCARTHY (MAX!, MO PITKIN'S)

MICHAEL CYRIL CREIGHTON (VH1’S BEST NIGHT EVER, GALAPAGOS)

AMANDA PETTIT (DON’T TOUCH ME THERE!)

JOHN F. O’DONNELL (CHECK YOUR COOL! COMEDY SHOW, SWEET)

THE SIZZLE TWINS (GSN’S I’VE GOT A SECRET)

SHAWN HOLLENBACH (MORTIFIED!, OH MY GOD!)

ROBIN GELFENBIEN (FREEDUMB, SIRUS SATTELITE RADIO)

$3 Beer Special & $4 Well Drinks All night long!

You Gets The Vapors.

Vince Vaughn's recent supposed tryst with a sorority dipshit has me in a contemplative mood. Not because he clearly has awful taste in women (anyone who cheats on that sweet as punch little Jennifer Aniston obviously does). I mean, this sub-literate, bland as can be cookie cutter "hot girl"? Do you smell something?

Oh, it's the reek of just-attractive-enough-to-be-a-Hooters-waitress and it's coming from "Mal". Bleech. Her pithy observations on Europe make me, personally, ashamed to be an American. God forbid any unsuspecting European espies her offering body shots from her navel out front of the Vatican while her totally wild Tri Delt Sisters hoot and holler, and, thereby, take her to be a representation of this fine country.

I digress.

I am loathe to befriend people who drop names too easily or who make a constant point of knowing you know who they know. It feels creepy, and gross and just, ick. It also, when put into print casually on your poorly written, infantile blog, looks pathetic and eager and lame. Big fucking deal. You met someone who acts for a living. In the case of our gal, Mal: You also may have met a maid in your Italian pensione- where's the blog entry about her? She had to clean the semen off your sheets, I think that makes her a superstar. I am also absolutely certain that you have made the aquaintance of many, many bartenders. Where's the poorly-spelled line about them? End use of dimwit, horse-teethed college Greek broad as whipping boy.


I'm not immune to celebrity, of course. I get excited when I see people who I admire who are actors/musicians/writers/basic cable superstars out and about. I call Sara and shriek and giggle about how I'm shrieking and giggling because I saw BOTH Kyan AND Ted from Queer Eye within 24 hours of one another in different locations around Manhattan!!! I read GAWKER and DEFAMER and cackle like a plump hen at the panty-deprived antics of whatever doped-up flavor of the day "starlet" is being handed a healthy helping of steaming "Poor Little Rich Girl". But I take it for what it is- it's a job, this whole celebrity thing. No more and no less. Let's leave it at that. Just because I'm friends with my mail carrier, doesn't make me a better or more interesting person. If I happen to know someone who's been lucky enough to achieve some modicum of commercial success in the entertainment world, that's nice, I guess. No big deal in the whole scheme of things, though. It's not a reflection on me. You will never see me type out, "I had drinks the other night with [INSERT FILM ACTOR WHOSE NAME WOULD IMPRESS SOMEONE WHO GREW UP IN A REALLY SMALL RURAL TOWN]." This I swear. I'd rather try (and, inevitably, fail) to impress you with my own drunken, clumsy antics, thanks.

End tirade.

Downtown.

No one is allowed to step.

Seriously, lay off the Spice Girls. Love them. Love little Emma Bunton. And love this frothy little remake.

More MORTIFIED!

Here's a link to a great article in the LA Weekly about MORTIFIED: Real People, Real Words, Real Pathetic. Check it out!

Tomorrow night, the MORTIFIED NYC show/book launch party/re-union takes place, and I am so excited to celebrate! Featured here are some snaps of the MORTIFIED Boston premiere, featuring creator Dave Nadelberg, NYC & Boston co-producer Giulia Rozzi, frequent contributors Sara Jo Allocco & Anne Altman (who is also featured in the book with her fab locker notes), and me. I'm the one dressed as a Smurf.

The show is sold out yet again, BUT the party after is free! There'll be cheap booze and dancing to bad 90's R&B aplenty. So come on down to the Tank at about 9:30 if you missed out on tickets, and get mortified! BONUS: Buy a copy of the book and have it signed by one of the contributors, many of whom are performing!
















MORTIFIED NYC Performance/BOOK LAUNCH PARTY!

Thursday, December 7th, 2007

featuring performances from the following book contributors:

• Giulia Rozzi
• Anne Altman
• Rylan Morrison
• Jake Goldman
• Brianna Jacobson
• Sara Barron
• Ari Scott
• Jon Friedman
• Brandy Barber

BOOK SIGNING & PARTY Begins At 9:30 pm!

The Tank
279 Church Street b/t Franklin & Leonard
www.thetanknyc.org for directions

We HEART Xmas.

IMG_0879, originally uploaded by portermason.

This is what happens when BROOKYLN FRIENDSHIPS (TM) have too much red wines and such.

Someone got MORTIFIED in Boston last night.

The magical MORTIFIED! book tour ended up in Boston last night, and we sold out AND played right next door to J. Masics- that's right, DINOSAUR JR. was playing! How very appropo. I myself kept trying to decide which of the smoking hot 23 year old hipsters with alliances to music that was out when they were in cribs I was going to mount like a fucking hunting trophy. But in between imagining tall indie rock boys in sherpa-lined Levi's cord jackets prone & nude, I managed to drag my ass onstage and be a part of what was an awesome line up of performers for a sold out engagment of MORTIFIED! Boston, produced by the fab Giulia Rozzi with a guest appearacne from our fearless creator, Dave Nadelberg himself. There were lots of folks from the book there, as well as some first timers, so it was a grand mix of former (and in my case, current) nerds.

The show was at a venue called the Paradise Lounge, and they could not have been nicer. It was such a treat to get to leave New York for a day and go spread the (dorky) word onstage.



We got some GREAT press for the show- here's a link to a fun article that really captures what it's like to see MORTIFIED live from Boston's Weekly Dig. The article's writer, Shaula Clark, sums up my INSANE creepy diary:


Brandy Barber, diary
Backstory: Throughout high school, Barber wondered why she was soooo persecuted and misunderstood—which might have had something to do with her hijacking and wrecking friends’ cars, drenching wrongdoers’ houses in urine, and serving Ex-Lax cookies to unsuspecting peers, and otherwise raising hell. You’ll have to get your hands on a copy of the book for the entire jaw-dropping saga, but here are a few choice lines:

-December 18, 1988:
Sara and I stole Leslie’s car and toilet papered Nick’s house. We trashed it with toilet paper, garlic, vinegar, flour, rice, Woolite Rug Cleaner, coffee, honey, LaSeur peas, Vaseline, toothpicks in the keyhole of cars, lice spray, and her brother’s underwear with a love note. I found out Leslie spat on Dan’s trench coat like 50 times and Sara let me wear it without telling me. So I spat all over Leslie’s guitar and ruined her school picture with the Woolite.

-New Year’s Resolutions 1989:
1. Take dancing
2. Make love to: Mick Jagger, Keanu Reeves, Eric Stotlz, Christian Slater, Dave Gahan
3. Have illicit affair (as above)
4. Grow long nails

I will do at least 3 of these or GO BALD!!!

-February 22, 1989
Found out Max tried to kill himself with 40 nitroglycerin pills ... I feel so sad, I cried for half an hour. I can’t handle it. Note: Dan thinks I am self-centered. I wouldn’t mind lighting him on fire. Sara and I tortured Christianly Christian Meredith and cut out her picture and put it on Garret’s private parts in the Swim Team yearbook photo.

-April 3, 1989
Mr. Driscoll is mad because in the April Fool’s paper I published a joke article about Mr. Lents escaping from an asylum and we drew a swastika on his forehead like Manson and made a few Hitler references and now everyone’s having a bovine birthright (a cow).

***

There is so, so much more in the Mortified book; if you’ve read this far, you really need to pick up a copy. But honestly, there’s nothing quite like seeing this stuff live. DO AT LEAST ONE OF THESE OR GO BALD.

---

So gang, if you haven't yet, come get mortified in person- we have a show next Thursday, Dec. 7th in New York (with a huge party after, so do come and drink up while we play Vanilla Ice and Marky Marky & The Funky Bunch). The book is out nationwide, so check that shit out. AND- please, we'd love for you to join the cult that is MORTIFIED- get in touch with your own lame diaries, notes, essays, lyrics, what have you. Just go to www.getmortified.com.

And Have Yourself A Very Betsey Xmas-time!

The Kissing Booth presents: A VERY BETSEY XMAS!

Written by Brandy Barber & Sara Jo Allocco

Directed by Jen Wineman

December 2nd & 9th, 2006 10:30 PM - $5
The D Lounge
101 East 15th Street, Basement Level
www.dloungenyc.com
212-375-1110

Can the wily eye-patch wearing 10 year old Betsey manage to help her 4th grade teacher Ms. Collins save the community center, star in the Annual Non-Denominational Holiday Joy Fest Pageant, AND learn the true meaning of the holidays? Come find out in this show-within-a-show, featuring the talents of some of New York’s most fantastic stand ups, musicians and sketch performers:

BRIANNE HALVERSON (PARTY CENTRAL USA)

MICHAEL TERRY (COMEDY CENTRAL’S MOTHERLOAD , PARTY CENTRAL USA)

KATINA CORRAO (CAROLINE’S)

MATT MCCARTHY (MAX!)

MICHAEL CYRIL CREIGHTON (VH1’S BEST NIGHT EVER)

AMANDA PETTIT (DON’T TOUCH ME THERE!)

PATRICK DALL’ O CCHIO (JOHNNY LUNCHPAIL)

JOHN F. O’DONNELL (CHECK YOUR COOL! COMEDY SHOW)

THE SIZZLE TWINS (GSN’S I’VE GOT A SECRET)

SHAYNA FERM (FEARSOME, BATTLE OF THE FUNNY BANDS WINNER 2006)

SHAWN HOLLENBACH (MORTIFIED!, OH MY GOD!)

ROBIN GELFENBIEN (FREEDUMB, SIRUS SATTELITE RADIO)

Even MORE Mortified- TONIGHT!

Hey there- more MORTIFIED! The book got a fantastic write up in today's New York Post from the very funny Mandy Stadtmiller- click here to share the shame. And tonight, there's a free reading & book signing with the show's fearless creator, Dave Nadelberg, at the Barnes & Noble Astor Place! Go and a get a quick taste of what a mini-MORTIFIED! show can provide.

MORTIFIED: Real Words. Real People. Real Pathetic. Book Reading & Signing
Barnes & Noble Astor Place
4 Astor Place, NYC
7:00 pm - FREE!

GET MORTIFIED!

The MORTIFIED! book hits stores tomorrow, and I would love for all three of my faithful Hatefully Charming blog readers to go out and buy multiple copies for gifting and keeping and such. BONUS: There is not only my hideous diary from 1989 BUT, two count them TWO photos of me looking like quite the troll. Well worth the price of admission!

Seriously- this book is an amazing thing, please get ahold of this. And take the time when you're home for the winter holidays to dig up your own diaries, poetry, and such- it's a worthwhile experience to do so. If you want, you can even come and read it in the show here in NYC (or, in Chicago, San Francisco, Boston or Los Angeles). We're always looking for more folks to get mortified. But even if you don't want to publicly share the shame, you can still enjoy the process of catharsis- highly recommended.

Check out this interview with MORTIFIED! creator and fearless reader, Dave Nadelberg, which ran on the Today show this morning. Al Roker interviews Dave and you'll get to see some fantastic LA Mortifiers in action. We'll also be featured in an upcoming Geraldo At Large segment this week (not sure on time- will update when I hear about it) and in a feature in the NY Post (tomorrow, Tuesday from what I understand). And there'll be book signings and all sorts of fun to be had, including a fantastic book launch/anniversary party on December 7th at The Tank- buy tickets now if you think you may want to come, as it will surely sell out.

Seriously, be a part of the grassroots phenomenon that is MORTIFIED! You'll be glad you did. And by the way...I, too, hate Drake. Enjoy:

Happy Happy.

Now Is A Great Time For A Cake Treat!

Josh?, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

You all remember Toby. My invisible boyfriend? He's back, and we're better than ever. See what a kidder he is? Sara is kind of jealous of him, though. But I know she'll come around. Everyone always does with Toby. He makes a friend of all he meets. Which is never, because he's really awfuly busy. Blink, and you'll miss him. Can I help it if I have a highly successful globe-trotting gentleman caller? No, no I cannot.

You'd all best be wise not to come between us. Like INXS, you will never tear us apart.

Barber-ic Yawp.

Last Night, originally uploaded by Sourire.

Things I will do when I get home to San Diego for Thanksgiving.

1. Play Kenny Loggins, "Celebrate Me Home" and sing at top volume with the windows in my Dad's car down as I barrel along the Coast highway at sunset.

2. Eat my weight in carne asada burritos from Alberto's.

3. Buy all the great clothes at the Barney's Outlet that no Southern Californian has the good sense to.

4. Lay out on the balcony in a bikini on Thanksgiving.

5. Make my Dad some sort of swishy cocktail (A saketini, perchance?) and serve it to him with flair.

6. Ask my Mom to play with my hair. No one gets to touch my hair but Kathy Barber.

7. Walk Yorktown, the world's worst basset hound and surreptitiously smoke, then lie to my Dad and say it must have been someone who stood by my coat at JFK and blew smoke on me when questioned about the stench.

8. Enjoy the fuck out of myself while drinking ice cold Miller High Lifes in the hot tub under a canopy of stars.

9. Bulk up on a deep fried Thanksgiving Day Turkey.

10. Play "Name That 70's R&B Classic Soul Jam Hit" with my Dad- there's sure to be selections from the OJays, The Commedores, and most definitely Kool & The Gang.

Now Is A Time I Feel Inside!

Porter and I stayed up late recently and got ourselves into hysterics over when non-native English speaking exchange students say funny shit. We are very, VERY highbrow.

"Mom, Our exchange student Is Super Weird!" -me, in 13 year old Valley girl voice

Here is what Porter & I have imagined that Hiroku, said exchange student, has been heard to say with great enthusiasm:


I have 3 hamburgers tonight!
I put up your duke!
A bunny is here!
I am courageous to party!
You better take off THAT wristwatch!


There were a lot more but I was snorting and could not move myself from the couch to write them for posterity. Later, we broke out the remote controlled fart machine.

Our Album Cover.

November 2006 004, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

Rozzi said the name of our fabulous new group is "Gimme Back My Vodka".

"I tell you this, because you're an artist." - Duane Hall

First of all, I wanted to say I love this picture, and I especially love the woman who took it of me, the fancy Ms. Anya Garrett. She always manages to capture people's truest essence on film (which is why I'm clutching a beer) while making them look great. I am so happy here- I'm at my show, I'm watching my comedy partner onstage and laughing at her, and life is so good. I could not be more in love with life these days.

A restful, refreshing Sunday was in order today. A lovely crisp, cold Sunday full of lounging, and coffee and breakfast I made for myself and Brooklyn Friendships (TM). And it is currently in progress. I am on the couch, cuddled up in a blanket, swaddled in a cashmere wrap, drinking hazelnut coffee, eating a whole wheat English muffin with Canadian bacon, an egg and lots and lots of cheese and Crystal hot sauce, and watching Annie Hall for the millionth time. I turned on the TV and there it was, on TCM. Who am I to argue with fate? This is the perfect antidote to a night of rampaging, this intellectual atonement offset with sips of steaming java and, I am delighted to share, an occasional mini Charleston Chew. I stumbled upon a stash of them leftover at work from Halloween festivities.

I woke up today at 11 am with a champagne and Vicoden induced warm fuzzy feeling left over from last night's debauchery. My tonsils hurt to high hell from the many, many ciagarettes I thought it wise to smoke. My headphones were still on my ears and I had my iPod on repeat, playing Wham's "Last Christmas". This can only mean one thing- that I was drunkenly singing along to it. Probably loudly, definitely off key. My gaze travelled down to my feet. One boot was still on, the other was nowhere to be seen. Then I looked around and realized I didn't recognize the bedroom I was in. Oh, dear.

All in all, well done, Brandy.

I have a new fave song. You'll never guess- why yes, it IS a cheesy R&B glossfest! It's "Enjoy" by Janet Jackson. It's a really gorgeous, lush hyper-produced pop confection of a song. And while I loathe re-printing lyrics, I had to in this case because, while trite, they are so lovely. And I will not apologize for taking great pleasure in them. SO DON'T ASK ME TO!

I've been kind enough to locate this creepy YouTube video for the song, if you want to listen to it while simultaneously being skeeved out by the visuals.






And just enjoy and celebrate
Enjoy the love we make
Enjoy, appreciate
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til my heart's content
And enjoy when someone smiles
Enjoy
So let's enjoy the simple things
Enjoy the day life brings
Enjoy the song love sings
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
To your heart's content
And enjoy the gift of life
Enjoy

Three Plays by Margot Tennenbaum.

I was shopping yesterday at lunch, seeking adorable outfits for going out Saturday night to tear shit up and the like. While I did, there was a loud pop soundtrack playing in the store. You know the type-loud enough that I thought at times I was in a club. As I checked out the fit of things in the mirror of the dressing room, a song came on that I was shocked by. This was because it was so obviously cheesy and yet, I loved the fuck out of it. I got so mad at myself for falling for such overproduced crap, but I also couldn't resist it. I got suckered in. And that song, was "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce'. Seriously, I know I'm a chump but I will always love R&B so much. I love that these are amazingly gorgeous women that sing these lyrics, yet they always seem to get cheated on- it's sort of built into things, and almost expected, like tipping your waiter. And then, inevitably, these betrayed but still very well-coiffed ladies have a big ass kicking anthem that they belt out in the aftermath. I wonder what the state of R&B would be if some of the gents actually treated their sweet lady and/or boo with respect. Pretty boring, I imagine.

\

Hatefully Charming's Glory Hole Part Four...I think. Aw, who's counting?

I am too crazed these days to actually provide new content for my beloved, neglected blog. This photo may tell you why. That's right, I can't stop abortin'! So, while I leak some more useless placenta & gently nurse my vag sutures, enjoy this rehashed bit of turd I wrote a while back, if you will. Note my futile attempts at "titles". This trend lasted maybe one more entry in the ol' blog. Yo, what happened to peace? PEACE.

Thursday, May 05, 2005: Fire Island.


THE BEARDED SPAM
I misread the subject line of a SPAM email about prescription drugs and thought it said, "generic vagina". I like that term.

AT LONG LAST, LYRICAL LOVE
I have a new love. I know, I know, it's too soon after Toby (my aforementioned imagniary boyfriend of 9 months) but this one, he's a keeper. He stands outside of work every afternoon, and when I got out to grab my mid-day coffee, he chants at me. Somtimes it's unitelligible, sometimes it's a stream of consciousness about the evil, blood-drinking Jews- who can tell what each day will bring from his artistic tool box? The man is an unfettered poet spewing his seminal words & spittle on all who would cross his path. But today, he won my heart. As you may well know, I'm desperately trying to lose some winter (beer) weight. It's working, and as a result I put on a pair of pants I haven't worn in a while today and was pleased with the look of things downtown. Just now, as I walked past my insane pal on my daily jaunt to the coffee shop, he snapped to attention, stuck his tounge out, howled, and then began to sing the Mystikal song, "Shake Ya Ass!". If that doesn't put the spring into a young lady's step, I don't know what will. I gave the coffee guy an extra tip, and on the way back, was going to propose marriage or at least a "thanks for noticing" hand job to "the Bard", but he was arguing with his green bucket, a constant companion of his. I guess he's taken. All the good ones are, am I right, ladies?!?!

JUST GIVE IT TO ME
Seriously.

soapboxin' it up.

There's still plenty of time for you to go out and vote today- because if you already haven't you damn well should.

Seriously. This little lady wrote her 8th grade term paper on suffragettes in the United States. Let's talk about that fact that I am still angry that women haven't even had the right to vote in the United States for a century, and that ANYONE with so much as a vagina would consider not exercising that right. If you're thinking it's not a big deal to vote, ponder this: not too long ago, you wouldn't have been allowed to, sister friend.

Whoever you are, regardless of gender, don't let your fear of voting blind stop you. It's so easy to garner information about candidates and their policies nowadays- just go online, get some info, crystallize what you want this government to do, make some notes, and go act like a goddamned American. Vote.

If you like, you can even go to this handy guide and learn who in your area isn't an anti-choice dipshit. I know I certainly did.