What Ya Gonna Do With All That Body?!?

Careful With That Thing Before You Hurt Somebody! Thus is the word from dancehall/R&B crossover, Shaggy. Which I am listening to as I type up "expenses" and wish myself out to the cornfield.

The Boss called me in today to ask about my weekend. The Boss is, as my close friends know, one of my favorite people in the world. As I hate 97.9% of other humans on sight, this is high praise coming from me. The Boss has a lovely British accent, and sometimes if I make him proud he even talks to me in his Birmingham slang and tells me about The Move, before they were ELO.
My heart belongs to The Boss.

When I told The Boss my plans, he looked at me for a bit and then, asked if I was happy. I said yes. He didn't believe me. He said that getting taken out on the town and being drunk with alarming frequency is maybe not such an indicator of happiness, in so many words. He said I need to find a decent suitor to take care of me. Then he said he wanted to talk to my Mom because he's worried about me. All of this was done toucnge-in-cheek, of course. But it threw me.

I thought about it for a second. Am I happy? Do I drink too much? Should I settle down, have a serious boyfriend, put away the tortoise-shell open toe platforms and wash off the metallic gold eye liner? Have a weeknight curfew, stop frequenting karaoke joints, and consider being on time to work more than once a month?

Hmmmmm.

I looked back at The Boss for a second. And I said, "I am the happiest I have ever been."

He told me to get my liver checked. Then we talked about Shalamar, and I told him how much I loved this song and he told me about how he used to go dance to it when it was new. And this, then, is the theme song for my weekend. Hell, for every night of my fucking life. My happy motherfucking non stop my girl wants to party all the time like Eddie Murphy life.

So do have fun with this gem, featuring the lovely Jody Watley pre-solo days. Shalamar, A Night To Remember.

Frisky.

Oh, my LORD, did I EVER love this video as a child. Costumes changes galore! Wigs! Backing vocals by a Gibb brother! And Ms. Ross HERSELF, being an absolute devil and singing a song about HUMPING!!! This is a song about ORGASMS!!! I had no idea what that meant then but I suspected that they would be great and I WAS SO RIGHT!!!

This song just popped up randomly on my iPod and made my weekend. All hell will begin breaking loose...NOW.

Enjoy Chain Reaction, by Diana Ross (and produced by the Bee Gees)

And speaking of humping, feel free to come see me reading a new essay tonight in...

WHEN DID WE BECOME SUCH SLUTS?!?
hosted by Carrie Faverty & Glennis McMurray
11 PM
The P.I.T., 29th & 7th Ave.
www.thepit-nyc.com

People Magazine: Cutting Edge Scoops Galore.

This was a real headline I saw today on People.com:

Heather Locklear Confirms Taste in Men: 'Rock Stars'

Here's another one for you, People.com:

Kirstie Allie Confirms Taste in Snack Cakes: 'Ring Dings'

Delightful.

Gay Robot



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They Don't Love You Like I Do.

This song still moves me to tears. It's hard to listen to; it's so visceral and raw and open. Karen O. sounds like a gorgeous version of a cat clawing its way out of certain death. Somehow, she manages to have a voice that is beautiful and awful. I know everyone already knows this, and that's why this song is a big deal, and blah de fucking blah I'm so hip I knew about this when it was still in their BRAINS and shit!!!!!!!

But it is so compelling, so I want to talk about it some more, too-cool-for-schoolness be damned. I recommend making out to it drunk as hell in a really gross, pathetic bar with a doomed paramour. It would best befit the intense dignity that is Maps, by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Probly Why I'm Always Gettin' Hated On.

It never, EVER gets fucking old. It's simply evergreen, is what it is. Enjoy Conceited, by Remy Ma.

What I'm Doing At My Desk Right Now.

Wearing headphones*, feeling quite hungover, "inputtng expenses", and singing along to my iPod off key. Play along, why don't you?

More Than I Can Say:



Here's the real song as performed by Mister Leo Sayer himself:



Here's the real song, with a special "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" element thrown in for you. Because I like you, that's why.



*Please note new super curly hair due to long overdue coiffing & cut.

(Several explosion sound effects F/X)

(That title was stolen from Matt Sears).

Look here! Why if it isn't...LOS ANGELES FRIENDSHIPS (TM)!

In this episode, meet my dearly beloved Colleen, confection-airess and one of the funniest people I imagine will ever meet. The very marvelous, totally missed by many Josh Haness is also seen here in repose with Modelo. And my sweet Roxanne, who is the best of the best. Maybe you recognize her sassy little figure from a certain album cover of the Rollins Band called NICE? That's right, not only do I have a ton of hot friends, but one of them is mostly nekkid!

Kiss kiss to that. I hate LA and I ain't afraid to say it. But, now that some of my favorite people on earth live there, I can see it being mildly tolerable. Like having a leech on my neck. A nice leech, though.

Remember that song in Silence Of The Lambs?

Tub Talk JOD, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

That "Goodbye Horses" song, that Jame' Gumb frolics about to, mere steps above his bloody fingernail-bedecked murder chamber?

I think I hear it playing right...now.

Rocking in '06!

Some kind words from a funny gal names Erin Rose Foley for a fun show I'm lucky enough to co-produce with my old pal, Ms. Kimmy Gatewood. We're coming back strong in 2007, so be there, fool!

The Break Up Show, produced by Kimmy Gatewood & Brandy Barber

I heard this song at LEAST three times last night.

Feel free to click on the image to read this illuminating instant message between my delightful roommate and myself. To really play the game full on, why not listen to Jim Carroll's People Who Died and suck down 4 or 7 Bass pints like they're water, all the while yelling at your friend Vince's polite face?!

I am a Jerk Out like Morris Day and The Time.

"I Suspect He Was Japanese."

For you, Matt Sears!

I Miss My Comedy Wife!

But she shall be back soon...and when she is, watch your back, suckas. We'll be out on the town, causing trouble, she carrying a sumptuous leather bag from a top handbag manufacturer such as Coach or Louis Vuitton, me schlepping some sort of Marc Jacobs-as-inspired-by-Chanel-knock off from Strawberry.

Until then, enjoy this, which upon close examination, is really the cornerstone of our friendship; a Rosetta Stone for those unaquainted, if you will, to our odd, magical, creepy partnership.



Or you could just watch this while eating a whole paw-full of Hershey's Kisses you swiped from the karaoke place while the cashier's back was turned. Knock yourself out, holmes.

Return To Pooh Corner.

I've returned from Southern California! And I have some things to share with Y O U.

1. I went into Duane Reade on 35th & 5th Avenue after work to grab some items and noted that due to space constraints, they had done some intersting space combinations. One sign read, "PET FOOD/FEMININE HYGIENE". This made me slighty uncomfortable.

2. I curled up in my bed the night I got home and cried because I missed my parents so terribly. For the record, I'm 33. Not 3.

3. Nigel, my beloved cat and only begotten son, attacked World's Best Roommate Porter AND Cat-sitter Extrodiannaire and Ex-BF Ben. By attack I mean, he bit them without really using teeth. So I guess that means he gummed them. Even Nigel's seperation anxiety fueled hatred is gentle and loving.

4. During the 5 hour flight home, I did some deep thinking about how I want 2007 to turn out and how to get what I really dream of in the New Year. Some of these profound thoughts included:

- Remember when Michael J. Fox and Nancy McKeon, real life celebrity couple, were in that made for TV movie about summer camp that was a thinly-veiled attempt at recapturing the glory that was Meatballs?
- How many Lime & Chili Lay's can I surreptitiously chomp on before I veer dangerously close to 5 servings from this 6 serving bag?
- If that baby doesn't shut the fuck up I'm cramming it back in for another 9 months.
- Remember how I almost forgot to remove my stash box from my purse before leaving for the airport?
- Who wants to join the Mile High Club? How about you in seat 18F with the skateboard, handsome?
- Seriously. SHUT that baby UP!
- Man, I sincerely hope these newlyweds keep whisper-squabbling over something petty so I can rejoice in my singleness yet again.
- If the fat, androgynous 5'8" 12 year old with BO and the distinct, tangy reek of a filthy scalp in front of me rocks back in his (her?) seat and hits my kneecap one more time, I'm going to pull a McDonald's Grandma and pour hot coffee on its crotch, thereby sealing its fate as a unich-lady.
- Wait. Would finger banging count for the Mile High Club after all? Or would it be assigned a point value to be traded in for full-fledged membership after a certain pre-determined collection period? Discuss with your married Mormon seatmate.

Ah, the peace of mind that rampant self-reflection brings. Truly without price. Peace out, A Town. And welcome back to me.

"I'm not his girl. He's MY gangster." - Drew Preston, Billy Bathgate

If you haven't seen the movie Billy Bathgate, you're missing out on looking at Loren Dean. And that makes me think you're an idiot, because he may just be physically perfect. Speaking of idiots, read on!

By jove, the utter delight I took tonight in viewing the hilarious ribaldry that IS...Oxygen's The Bad Girls Club! This week, some dimwit chick dry humps an LA shaved ape whilst the other hottentots pass judgement and snipe over sharing limosine privilidges. Oh, 'twas grand!

I attempted to snarf some photo proof of the shennaingans for all you who are too uppity to watch it, or at least admit to doing so. But all I managed to turn up was this casting notice. Too bad I wasn't in Chicago for it. Dang!

BAD GIRL

It may mean something different to everyone, but if you think of yourself as a "bad girl," then you could be on a new reality show from the producers of The Real World.

The Oxygen Network and Bunim/Murray Productions are currently casting for a new reality series which will bring together six bad girls from across the country. The girls will live in a house in Los Angeles and work with each other to tackle aspects of their personalities that, while making them fabulous, often tend to hold them back from success in relationships and careers. And while the girls efforts may not always be successful, they're going to have a whole lot of fun trying.

Have you ever been called a "drama queen?"

Does your refusal to PLAY BY THE RULES
sometimes get you in trouble?

Do you need to find a way to get it together and reach your dreams without compromising
the things that make you special?

Then Join the club.
The Bad Girls Club.

Saturday, June 17th

The Apartment
2251 N. Lincoln Avenue
Chicago, IL 60614
11 am – 5 pm

Tell us what makes you special. Tell us what you do for a living and whether you enjoy it. Tell us who are the people closest to you and who are the people holding you back? Finally tell us what are your dreams for the future?

"It's Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, It's The Size Of The Fight In The Dog." - Mark Twain

Here's to coming out swinging in 2007.

















Image courtesy of PostSecret.

With Surgical Focus.

Hey all, I am in CA this fine evening. BUT, if you are in New York and looking for a really awesome event to attend, you should head here. It's a fantastic bar in my neighborhood, and some people I really adore will be there. Plus, what GBV fan wants to miss this? Happy New Year, and don't say I never did nothin' for you.

From my pal, Dickie Luxury:

my new band
The Winter Drinks
will be playing at Sample tonight
and our special guest will be
Doug Gillard (Guided by Voices/Cobra Verde/Richard Buckner)
There is no cover but there is endless Prosecco for $25 from 10:00 to midnight.
See you there.


The Winter Drinks
Sample
152 Smith St.
btwn Wyckoff & Bergen
Bergen St. F/G station
Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Fur is for animals- NOT YOU, GRANDMA.

Hi. I hate fucking people who wear fur. You're not native american, you don't need it for warmth or survival of any kind, and you're an asshole. End of story. What can you do if you have some fur that you feel (rightfully) guilty about hoarding? Even if you're a sad, silly old bitch who needs to show off status, you can redeem yourself by doing this. Or dying and leaving your money to an orphanage. Either, or.


Coats for Cubs Doubles the Return to the Animals





©2005 Lynne Slater
Donated fur from The HSUS kept this baby bobcat alive.
By Andrea Cimino

If you strayed into the back office of our Fur-Free Campaign, you might think you were in a fur warehouse, rather than in the headquarters of an international animal protection organization.

Our staff spends hours each week packing and labeling boxes of fur for shipping—not to fur shops, but to wildlife rehabilitators who use it as bedding for orphaned and injured wildlife such as raccoons, rabbits, foxes, squirrels, and even bobcats. Wildlife rehabilitators say the fur reduces stress in their animal patients, perhaps reminding them of the comfort of snuggling up to their mothers.

With articles on Coats for Cubs appearing in magazines like Real Simple, Organic Style, First Magazine, and dozens of local newspapers across the country, December 2005 turned into a record-breaking month for the decade-old program. More than 400 individuals donated furs. Over the course of the year, the campaign took in just over 1,500 donations, more than doubling the number collected in 2004. These numbers translate into 1,500 fewer people wearing and promoting real fur this year, and countless orphaned and injured wildlife comforted during their rehabilitation.

Everyday Heroes Donate Fur

Presidents of PR firms, fashion editors, and Long Island homemakers are just a few of the people who made the compassionate decision to become fur-free and donate their fur to The HSUS in 2005. From Hawaii to Maine, from England to Slovenia, former fur wearers (and people who have inherited furs from relatives or friends) are proud—and often relieved—to donate their furs to The HSUS.

Each fur donator has their own story to tell. Many people who inherit fur have been long-time supporters of animal protection and would never dream of wearing fur. Yet they don't want to toss out the fur that a relative gave them, nor do they want to resell the fur, and have it be worn by somebody else. For them, donating the coat to help wildlife presents the perfect solution:

Sentimental and Squeamish: A donor from Costa Mesa, California, who sent us a mink stole told us, "I'm not comfortable wearing fur, and because it has sentimental value, I didn't want to just throw it away. Thank you for providing a great use for this fur."

Scared by a Stole: Another donor in Cary, North Carolina, parted with her grandmother's fur with a sense of humor. "Here is a scary-looking fur stole I found among my grandmother's belongings," she told us. "Hopefully the orphaned animals won't find it as disconcerting as I did."

Garish Gift: We also receive many donations from people who received fur as a gift, showing that fur is never a wise choice for a present, since so many people are upset about the animal cruelty inherent in fur garments. Not comfortable refusing the fur, and even more uncomfortable with the thought of wearing it, these people turn to the Coats for Cubs program.

Other donors tell us they purchased a fur item before they realized the extent of the cruelty behind each fur coat, trimmed garment, or accessory. Through their HSUS membership, information from a friend, or an article or video on the fur industry, these fur donators say they realize that the animals need their fur more than we do. The images of animals pacing in tiny wire cages on fur farms or caught in cruel devices such as the steel-jaw leghold trap drive home the idea that fur is cruel and unnecessary. Giving fur back to animals can be an ideal way to provide a happy ending for an item with such a sad beginning.

Fleece Is Warmer than Fox: One donor told us that she bought a pair of fox fur-lined gloves upon moving to Alaska. Shortly afterward, she saw her first arctic fox, who was walking through her backyard. It dawned on her that the fur looked better on the fox than in her gloves, and she decided to donate them to Coats for Cubs. She even sent us a picture of herself wearing fleece garments in the great Alaskan outdoors, telling us how much warmer fleece is than fur.

Rethinking Rabbit: Another donor from Castleton, New York, thanked us for "making me aware of a good use for this rabbit fur coat. I certainly wasn't thinking of the unfortunate rabbits when I purchased it for my daughter about 15 years ago. We are both much more aware now, and are very pleased to know that it may help other animals recover."

New School of Thought: A donor from Middlebury, Vermont, wrote us, "I haven't known what to do with these fur coats for the past 25 years, ever since I became aware of the fur issue. I wish I had been made aware of it in school, before I ever had a chance to buy these two coats. Thanks for coordinating this effort."

Many of the furs donated to us are in near-perfect condition, and might have earned these everyday heroes a lot of money if they resold the items. But for many people, the chance to right the wrong done to the animals killed for their fur is more important than any financial gain.

The Cubs They Saved

The payoff of Coats for Cubs is helping injured and orphaned wildlife with the donated furs. Coats for Cubs has sent donated furs to wildlife centers such as The Fund for Animals' Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Ramona, California, Larimer Humane Society in Fort Collins, Colorado, the Ohio Wildlife Center in Columbus, Ohio, the North Island Wildlife Recovery Association in Errington, British Columbia, Helping Arkansas Wild "Kritters" (HAWK) in Russellville, Arkansas, and to independent wildlife rehabilitators licensed by their state wildlife agencies.

While we send furs to wildlife rehabilitators all over North America, we've given extra to the Gulf area in recent months. Suzy Heck of Heckhaven Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Lake Charles, Louisiana, thanked us for sending the furs, explaining that because the center lost everything "due to Hurricane Rita and the flood after, these furs will be much appreciated. We are getting animals in, many still storm related, and soon, the orphans will be appearing."

Anna Harvey, a rehabilitator in Osceola, Iowa, took in a litter of orphaned opossums from a woman who climbed into a dumpster to rescue them. Their mother had been hit by a car, and someone had thoughtlessly thrown the litter into the dumpster. Harvey used our donated fur to comfort the orphans, and reported that they responded well to the fur. "The woman who rescued the opossums from the dumpster is a big hero, as are the people who sent the furs to you. Opossums love the long fur. They are doing well and eating a bit on their own," she wrote to us.

Tracy Beasley, a rehabilitator in Davis, Oklahoma, told us, "my favorite thing to do with the furs is to sew them into pouches of different sizes with draw string tops. They are excellent for orphaned opossums and raccoons. It makes them feel secure and keeps them warm."

In one case, the fur from Coats for Cubs made the difference between life and death. Lynne Slater, a rehabilitator in Arkansas, received a week-old bobcat whose mother had been killed by a car. Slater tried removing the bobcat kitten from the bed at feeding time several times, but the kitten simply would not suckle a baby bottle. Then inspiration struck, and she cut a hole in a Coats for Cubs fur, stuck the baby bottle nipple through the hole, and voila, the kitten drank hungrily. This technique worked until weaning time. Slater said, "Without the Coats for Cubs program, we wouldn't have been able to help this bobcat kitten survive. Thanks so much."

What Kind of Furs do People Donate?

The boxes of fur we ship out to wildlife rehabilitators contain common types of fur like mink, fox, rabbit, and raccoon. Occasionally we receive rarer types of fur, such as lynx and seal fur. The strangest coat of all was a vintage monkey fur coat, now fortunately illegal under CITES.

The donations range from full length fur coats to accessories such as stoles, capes, hats, and handbags, and fur trimmed items such as gloves and jackets.

How Do I Donate?

To claim a tax deduction for your gift, please mail your fur(s) directly to The HSUS. Simply pack up the fur in a sturdy box and send it to:
The Humane Society of the United States
2100 L. St. NW
Washington, DC 20037
attn: Coats for Cubs

Please make sure to include your full name and address so The HSUS can mail you a letter suitable for claiming a tax deduction. For more information on the program and claiming a tax deduction, see www.hsus.org/furdonation.








Copyright © 2006 The Humane Society of the United States. All rights reserved.

I Know Nothing Stays The Same, But If You're Willing To Play The Game.

I've had two seprate "requests" for this gem of a tribute to the beloved Carly Simon. The backstory is that Sara needed a song to sing to complete a bit where she pretends to get onstage and sing a song to her cheating, creepy ex. Let's call him "Geri", shall we? Sara tries to be nice to "Geri" but, it ends violently. We couldn't decide if she should use a sappy ballad from Boyz II Men, Whitney Houston or maybe even Mariah Carey. I suggested "You're So Vain", which, while amazing as a tool to sing drunkenly at oh, I don't know, a Valentine's Day down-with-love karoke party or something, was almost TOO trite for what Sara was planning. And that's how Sara warbling her own special version of "Coming Around Again" came to be. Compare and contrast- and do enjoy! Photo proof of the end result here (with "Geri" volunteer Matt Sears).

Brokenhearted.

Sometimes, I miss Wanya from Boyz II Men.