Creepy Chris.

Enjoy this delightful ridiculous video from the boys of Big Flux.

"T.G.I.F. I really mean that."

My Mackenzie Astin Sex Dream: Full Circle?

When I was 12, I had an incredibly intense dream about Mackenzie Astin, then still on TV's The Facts of Life. Said intensity sprung from the fact that in this dream, we were both naked and, although details were hazy, humping was in some form involved. I seem to recall laying side by side on very white sheets with a very backlit, gauzy look to the whole thing, and he was looking very lovingly at my unclothed hip. Did I mention we were NUDE?

This was scandalous for a variety of reasons. One of which being that I had already openly declared my undying love for Mackenzie's brother, Sean, he of the sleeper teen adventure hit, The Goonies. The various snaps of him torn from the pages of "Teen Beat" and blue sticky-tacked to my walls were proof of that. My taste for dramatic, tempestuous, and taboo romantic liases started early, you can clearly see.

But more disturbing that this inter-sibling adultery was the fact that I woke up not just wanting to kiss Mackenzie Astin, as had been the case with various furious crushes from my childhood, such as Simon LeBon, Rod Stewart, Mick Jagger, Henry Thomas (from E.T.), Ricky Schroeder (when he was in The Champ), Michael Hutchence, whoever the lead boy with black hair and freckles was in The Black Stallion, that one hot blonde kid from The Bad News Bears with a bowl cut, the entire cast of S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders, and Timothy Dalton (in Flash Gordon- I had goen so far as to have slobbered all over the TV screen in order to simulate making out qith him, toi my father's infinite disgust). These crushes, while elaborately fantazsied about, usually ended in quite the PG-rated manner, with embraces, hand holds and many smooches and then, myself and said crush were magically married.

But not this time.

This time, I not only had a crush on Mister Astin. And not only did I want to give him a buss. But I wanted to DO IT WITH HIM.

This, my friends, was a turning point for me. A milestone of sexual awakening. Or mild insanity and star worship. Either/or.

Anyway, I found out that a mutual friend ran into the real, live adult Mackenzie Astin recently (and said he was a very charming, lovely gentleman- I am not the least bit surprised) and I got very excited. Like, REALLY excited. The term "live the dream" has never been so appropos. The fact that this mutual friend knew the lucky young lady who is apparently currently dating Mackenzie Astin has done little to cool the ardour that has resurfaced in my molten heart. I'm going to be watching my copy of Last Days of Disco (on VHS no less) in the near future, of that you can be sure.

My Future Husband Is Into Comedy As Well.

I'd gladly give a kidney to be in the position that Ricky Gervais is in this sketch.

Ah yes, Stephen Merchant. You shall be mine.

And That's When They Made The Old Lady's Automatic Stair Lifter Chair EXPLODE!

From a recent MySpace comment I left for my friend, Brooke (who, sadly, witnessed the night I am referencing):

10/17/2006 11:50 AM

Sometimes, I realize I am much like a Gremlin (from the Chris Columbus/Joe Dante 1984 horror flick, "GREMLINS"). How?

1) You should not get me wet (with cheap beer).
2) You should not expose me to bright light (after I've had can after can of cheap beer and my makeup is smeared like a $10 mouth-fuck prostitute)
3) And the most important thing, the one thing you must never forget: no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I beg . . . never, never feed me cheap beers after midnight. On a Sunday. At Beauty Bar.

Especially if there is dancing.

Loyalty, And How I Define It.

Dad's Retirement Flight, Sept. 30th, 2006.


I woke up this morning and heard this on NPR while I was getting ready for work. My father has worked for many years as a pilot, first in the United States Navy and then as an Captain for the now defunct PSA, which then became the oft financially troubled US Airways.

TRANSCRIPT OF NPR'S MARKETPLACE-MORNING EDITION:

LISA NAPOLI: Three weeks until Election Day and the Associated Press crunched the latest numbers on election fundraising. It looks like the Democratic challengers in some close Senate races are raking in the dough. In some states, they've even got more money than the incumbents. The AP points out that the filings aren't the whole story &mdahs; most candidates are receiving financial support from their parties.

Time now for more of our midterm election series, The Real Agenda. Those politicians are spending that money they've raised on all manner of media. But are they offering any solutions to problems people say they care about? We've asked for perspectives from some of their constituents. Like Jonathan Hobbs. He's a pilot and he's stayed with US Airways through a merger and two bankruptcies.

JONATHAN HOBBS: I chose to stay for a good reason: I had no choice. I'm almost 50 and married with three children. Two of them were heading off to college when US Airways second draconian pay cut sliced my salary in half.

I considered applying at other airlines but I've seen firsthand that decision can be foolhardy. Switching airlines is an unpalatable and irrational option.

Pilots who switch companies, regardless of flight experience. start over. Period. You loose all seniority accumulated over your career and join the ranks of interns and clerks.

At 50 years of age you get to celebrate Christmas in a cheap Philadelphia two-bedroom crash pad, a time zone away from your family. You get to eat a cheese steak and beer chaser with a dozen 20-year-old new-hire reserve pilots discussing Britney Spears' sex life while “Blue Christmas” plays in the background.

Besides, I've grown accustomed to eating my meals in the dusty familiar confines of a US Airways cockpit.

I've hung on and survived. And that's more than I can say about many of my peers. It has been a terrible journey, much too difficult for some. There were personal bankruptcies, household moves, divorces and even suicides.

But what do we have here? US Airways is having a profitable year. Finally, those of us who sacrificed income, retirement and nearly every benefit it took three decades to achieve can bask in some comfort and security.

But I remain guarded. I've seen the dark side, more than once. It could all change in an instant; fuel prices could skyrocket, the economy could lay an egg . . .

There are few certainties in life. But one is the employees at US Airways deserve a break. And two, if we're profitable for the entire year, the corporation is contractually required to share those profits with us.

I'm sure they'll enjoy passing out those checks as much as passing . . . kidney stones.

NAPOLI: Jonathan Hobbs is a pilot and novelist who lives in Fort Mill, South Carolina. In Los Angeles, I'm Lisa Napoli. Enjoy your day.

Watching the airline industry change in ways that were often personally damaging to our entire family (I have an uncle who is also an ex Naval Officer and commercial pilot) has been hard for me. When I was a kid, pilots were looked up to, not just by their passengers but, it seemed, by their employers who treated them well based on their safely carrying people to their destinations. But things have changed, for a variety of reasons, some obvious (September 11th,2001) some maybe not so obvious to the uninitiated (the Southwest fare wars, JetBlue's cheap seats and boutique airlines like them who are basically, re-doing the PSA model my Dad was hired into as a young man- talk about ironic).

It's been hard to watch my Dad, who is a proud man and a great father, get dumped on while the CEOs of this company (and many like it) gallivant off with the pensions of thier hard-working employees. That's right. These millionaires who've run the compnay into the ground still get paid, while the employees who make the place run get the shaft. All of it- a lifetime of work and the savings promised for that work? It's gone. It's almost comical at this point, except it's also sickening to realize my dad has no pension anymore. So when people whine that there's no food on long flights, it's hard for me not to want to punch them in the face and say "That's because you wanted a cheaper fare, asshole. Take your pick, my Dad and the men & women like him's 401Ks or those peanuts you'd have bitched about regardless? Now go shut up and watch a re-run of King of Queens half-wit."

My Dad retired early this past month. He flew his last commercial flight on September 30th, 2006. And I just wanted to take a second to say that he is one of my heros, and I am so proud of all he put up with to take care of my Mom, brother and I (and the stupid basset hound, but who's counting). That repsect and thanks goes out to all you other old school airline employees, men and women like my Dad- I appreciate you and the work you've put in in this trying time.

This one's for Captain J.T. Barber and his Charlotte based flight crew, too. I love you, Dad.

The Kissing Booth- TOMORROW!

It's time you brought your fine ass right on down to the comedy/party mecca that IS the D Lounge to step into THE KISSING BOOTH! This line up is solid gold like the tv show, so don't miss out. And hey- if you can't make the show, drop in for the FREE late nite dance party that begins directly after- cheap booze specials from our dreamy bartender Jason all nite long. Pucker Up For Comedy!


A monthly variety show hosted by comedy duo Brandy & Sara. Stand ups, sketch, songs, and more from NYC's premiere performers, always with a spectacular finale. If you can't make the show, drop in for the FREE late nite dance party that begins directly after- cheap booze specials from our dreamy bartender Jason all nite long. Pucker Up For Comedy!


The Kissing Booth presents: We'll Have A Gay Old Time!

October 14th, 2006

9:30 pm

Doors open at 9 pm


The D-Lounge

101 East 15th Street at Union Square East- BASEMENT LEVEL of the DR2 Theater


$3 Miller Lights! $4 Well Shots! Full Bar For You Fancy Types!
Dance Party Begins Right When The Show Ends!


In this month's show, Brandy & Sara have big dreams that won't stop until they make it all the way to Broadway. And this month, their line up is the creme de la creme of the Gay White Way:



with:

Shawn Hollenbach (MINTYFRESH)


Allen Warnock & Andrea Alton (FREEDUMB)


Mindy Raf (COLLEGE HUMOR)


Mike Barry (WEINER PHILHARMONIC)


Gabe Leidman (AT NIGHT WITH GABE AND JENNY)


Katina & Matt (MINTYFRESH)


Brent Sullivan (BOSTON COMEDY FESTIVAL)


Jerry Miller (THE ROYAL WE)


Kevin Allison (MTV'S THE STATE)

PLUS some other nonsense from your hosts, Brandy & Sara, what promises to be the most crazed dance party to date, super paparazzi pals Anya Garrett & Brian Van, lots of yummy candy, not one but TWO pomeranian puppies, and Hi-Jinx Galore!

CHICKS & GIGGLES: Curly Girls Comedy TONIGHT!!!

Come on down to Mo Pitkin's tonight and catch the fun at this always warm & whimsical show full of bawdy gals. Hosted by TV's Carolyn Castiglia and produced by Dame Nichelle Stephens. You shan't be disappointed.

We love the lovely lady.

From PEOPLE.COM, excerpts from an interview with Scarlett Johansson:

Johansson also encourages responsibility when having sex. "I get tested for HIV twice a year," she says. "One has to be socially aware. It's part of being a decent human, to be tested for STDs. It's just disgusting behavior when people don't. It's so irresponsible."

Amen, sister. Amen. It's so refreshing to hear this. It's so important to hear a young woman who is in the public eye make smart, strong statements regarding taking care of your own reproductive health. It's all of our responsibilities as sexually active adults to make sure we're not spreading disease, and if you're too uncomfortable with your own body to be aware, to demand safe sex from your partners and to screen yourself for safety, you really should not be having sex. Really. And speaking of safe sex, did I mention PostSecret.com makes my life complete? This is why:



Why is it that men who buy these and flaunt them tend to be pencil dicks? Perhaps Trojan should make a brand specifically for them and their delusional, skinny weens. I'm just saying, is all.

The Break Up Show: Tonight!

Hey you- yeah, you. Put down that pnt of ice cream, drop the bag of Funyons and for the love of christ, would you remove those festering grey sweatpants you've had for a week? And while we're at it, peel off his old t-shirt, the one you've had on since he left you. That's right- it's time to get off that couch, turn off Lifetime, clean up nice and bring it on down to the Break Up Show! Hosted by my fab pal Kimmy Gatewood, and co-produced by me, this is a night you won't want to miss. Especially if you just got shafted by your dude/old lady. See you there!

4 months post-break up, and the healing process never ends! After yet another break up after Kimmy's break up, she sprinted to Maryland for a guy-fest — Day 1: Open Bar Wedding. Day 2: High school reunion. She's sad to report there were no hot, single guys, old flames, or shenanigans. The best shot she had was with the the bride's hippie father who kept inviting her "back in the woods." Kimmy and her friends will tell you this and other cringe-inducing, horrible and hysterical stories about breaking up. Come out and laugh through those tears!

THE BREAK UP SHOW

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6TH, 2006

10 PM - $5

The P.I.T.

154 W. 29th b/t 6th & 7th Avenues

with

JORDAN CARLOS (THE COLBERT REPORT)

NICK STEVENS (VH1)

PARTY CENTRAL USA! (MTV2)

GLENNIS MCMURRAY (UCB)


and featuring your lovely host, KIMMY GATEWOOD!

Click HERE to purchase advance tickets.

Click HERE for more show information.

The Break Up Show is produced by KIMMY GATEWOOD and BRANDY BARBER.


Be our brand new MySpace Pal:
http://www.myspace.com/thebreakupshow

THE BREAKUP SHOW is produced by BRANDY BARBER & KIMMY GATEWOOD.

Journey - Separate Ways

SO!!! MUCH!!! PUNCHING!!!

Fighting The Good Fight.

David Cross: love him or hate him, the man backs it up. He hates the Belush, he talks about hating the Belush, and when confronted with the Belush, he doesn't pretend to be Hollywood pals and whimper out "Oh, being mean is part of my routine but let's be friends" like a fucking kiss-ass weasel.

No. Our Mister Cross, onstage and off, openly displays his lack of respect and I, for one, think it's great. Fuck all those people there dancing. Half of them are mediocre assholes who paid to go to that show because they watch fucking pathetic boring prime time network tat starring this somehwat shaved ape, and the other half who quote "Animal House" ad nauseum are willing to take the diluted urine essence of John Belushi that his brother peddles to anyone who'll pay attention. As this complete dearth of taste designates them to be walking abortions, I have no mercy for them. I wish David Cross had thrown a molotov cocktail back into the room and that the clip ended with everything- most especially the rayon of the Belush's cheap, shiny expand-a-waist trousers- being licked up quick in flames.

And a good morning to you!