Monday, January 29, 2007

The 2007 Glasses Were Broken.

More photos to surface, but here's what I got up to Saturday night.


Dude. First PEOPLE.COM fucking hoses me, and now this?! GAWKER is supposed to make me feel bad for even being born because I fail so heinously at suaveness I am DOOMED, each and every time I read it. For example, witness my pathetic glee (at the bottom of this post, scroll for it) when I was inadvertently GAWKER stalked while I tried to have a conversation with an old UCB aquaintance named Brian Huskey (very funny comedian who you should know and if you don't, get fucked). Truly lame, no? And yet, I felt as if I'd arrived in a way that no fucktard that wore the right dress to the Oscars, thereby justifying a career for some reason could even hope to fathom. I felt...NEW YORK-ESQUE.

Cut to today when I saw on my GAWKER RSS feed a headline about MUSE. I thought there must be a joke- you know, that the article would report that some generic anorexic ingenue of the week was spotted fucking some old movie mogul goat's eyebrow in the bathroom stall while they snorted coke that was cut with Strawberry quick or some shit (of course they'd say "gak", but work with me here, people, I am clearly in no way cool).

Yet, no. No. This was serious. It was an almost...ickily earnest post about a karaoke place that Sara and I have been championing for a couple of years now. In fact, some of our formative comedy duo meetings took place there. It is also the place where we host SUNDAY DRUNK DAY (TM) and generally raise hell. So you know that shit is old news.

I read this little snippet and felt...hollow. As if GAWKER let me down. I mean, really- GAWKER Is supposed to be like a menacing, almost-sexually-harassing stepbrother meant to make me feel ashamed of my need for a training bra, not make me annoyed for stealing my signature moves like a pesky younger neighbor. What next? An entry about the recent slew of bar-b-que joints in NYC? Ths felt almost, dare I say, Jackie Harvey to me. Yikes.

Friday, January 26, 2007

THE KISSING BOOTH: BYOP (Bring Your Own Pelt).

What the fuck is The Kissing Booth?!? Well, it's a monthly variety show hosted by comedy duo Brandy & Sara. Stand ups, sketch, songs, and more from NYC's premiere performers, always with a spectacularly drunken finale. If you can't make the show, drop in for the FREE late nite dance party that begins directly after- cheap booze specials from our dreamy bartender Jason all nite long. Pucker Up For Comedy!


The Kissing Booth presents: Oh, Ho Ho- It's Magic!!!

January 27th, 2007
9:30 pm - $5 cover
Doors open at 9 pm

The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street at Union Square East- BASEMENT LEVEL of the DR2 Theater

$3 Special Beer (TBA- Last Time It Was Stella)!
$4 Well Drinks!
Full Bar For You Fancy Types Who Insist On Acting Classy-like!

Dance Party Begins Right When The Show Ends, SO STICK AROUND!

In their first show of the new year, Brandy & Sara are keen to learn all there is to know about the dark arts. Come out and see what spells our fabulous comedians weave over your funnybone, YOU QUEER!!!!! And hey, if you can't make the show (because you suck), then come and get your drunk on with an after show dance party so wickedly debaucherous it'll result in pants-peeing! Check out this line up- so strong you'd think we used a magic wand to conjure them up:


(co-host of the Parkside Lounge's CHECK YOUR COOL)

(Catch him before he melts the fucking snow off the ASPEN COMEDY FESTIVAL!)

(creator & host of the UCB'S INSIDE JOKE)


(co-host of Rififi's HERE'S THE THING)

(SpikeTV's "Geek Ray Vision" hunks and former Rififi's GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT mainstays)

with guest appearances from ANN CARR (another GTN babe), MATT SEARS (Gawker blogger fave) & MATT MCCARTHY (king of comedy at Mo Pitkin's & co-host of MAX!)!


And of course, drunker-than-usual nonsense from your hosts, Brandy & Sara, super paparazzi pal (AND BIRTHDAY BOY) Nathan Kloke, lots of yummy candy,and Hi-Jinx Galore!

PS This time Sara won't be so stoned she suddenly begins speaking in tounges. Also, I may decide to wear underpants. I SAID, I MAY.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I Prefer "Platinum Digger".

My scalp reeks of tobacco. Seriously. Cut it out with the cigarettes, asshole! (cough, cough)

I was going to write something snarky about Fergie or something. But I am too tired today. So instead, just a reminder: I love, LOVE, Dr. Pepper in a can. And I love presents. And I got both today. Nice.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

No More, Like 3LW.

Somebody is going to cool her jets. Really. In the meantime, the doggies can have my share.

Hey. Do you guys like that duet with Stevie Nicks and Kenny Loggins? Whenever I Call You Friend? Yeah. Me, too.

Monday, January 22, 2007

I Can't Stop (CHIPS).

Had the best weekend I could have imagined. There was a lot of sushi consumed, and beer and karaoke and dancing. Yes, dancing- BACK UP RAP VIDEO DANCING, that is!!! In these shots, see Illiam Phatner (aka Matt Sears), Shockwave (Chris Sullivan from Freestyle Love Supreme), Carolyn Castiglia (Chicks&Giggles chica) and a cast of hot rap skanks as filmed by Anya Garrett with help from Marianne Ways! I don't think you can see Baron Vaughn or Badlands, but when the final video is done (very soon) you'll have to check it out. Funny, silly, and you can actually dance to it. Or, in my case, try to. (Please note Barber & Allocco doing the signature Kid N Play Kick Step in one of these shots).

Oh, and just to clarify- I'm the tall one with the gold Adidas who's making the stupid kissing faces in every shot. Because I am very, very original.

Friday, January 19, 2007

What Ya Gonna Do With All That Body?!?

Careful With That Thing Before You Hurt Somebody! Thus is the word from dancehall/R&B crossover, Shaggy. Which I am listening to as I type up "expenses" and wish myself out to the cornfield.

The Boss called me in today to ask about my weekend. The Boss is, as my close friends know, one of my favorite people in the world. As I hate 97.9% of other humans on sight, this is high praise coming from me. The Boss has a lovely British accent, and sometimes if I make him proud he even talks to me in his Birmingham slang and tells me about The Move, before they were ELO.
My heart belongs to The Boss.

When I told The Boss my plans, he looked at me for a bit and then, asked if I was happy. I said yes. He didn't believe me. He said that getting taken out on the town and being drunk with alarming frequency is maybe not such an indicator of happiness, in so many words. He said I need to find a decent suitor to take care of me. Then he said he wanted to talk to my Mom because he's worried about me. All of this was done toucnge-in-cheek, of course. But it threw me.

I thought about it for a second. Am I happy? Do I drink too much? Should I settle down, have a serious boyfriend, put away the tortoise-shell open toe platforms and wash off the metallic gold eye liner? Have a weeknight curfew, stop frequenting karaoke joints, and consider being on time to work more than once a month?


I looked back at The Boss for a second. And I said, "I am the happiest I have ever been."

He told me to get my liver checked. Then we talked about Shalamar, and I told him how much I loved this song and he told me about how he used to go dance to it when it was new. And this, then, is the theme song for my weekend. Hell, for every night of my fucking life. My happy motherfucking non stop my girl wants to party all the time like Eddie Murphy life.

So do have fun with this gem, featuring the lovely Jody Watley pre-solo days. Shalamar, A Night To Remember.

Friday, January 12, 2007


Oh, my LORD, did I EVER love this video as a child. Costumes changes galore! Wigs! Backing vocals by a Gibb brother! And Ms. Ross HERSELF, being an absolute devil and singing a song about HUMPING!!! This is a song about ORGASMS!!! I had no idea what that meant then but I suspected that they would be great and I WAS SO RIGHT!!!

This song just popped up randomly on my iPod and made my weekend. All hell will begin breaking loose...NOW.

Enjoy Chain Reaction, by Diana Ross (and produced by the Bee Gees)

And speaking of humping, feel free to come see me reading a new essay tonight in...

hosted by Carrie Faverty & Glennis McMurray
11 PM
The P.I.T., 29th & 7th Ave.

People Magazine: Cutting Edge Scoops Galore.

This was a real headline I saw today on

Heather Locklear Confirms Taste in Men: 'Rock Stars'

Here's another one for you,

Kirstie Allie Confirms Taste in Snack Cakes: 'Ring Dings'

Thursday, January 11, 2007


Gay Robot

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They Don't Love You Like I Do.

This song still moves me to tears. It's hard to listen to; it's so visceral and raw and open. Karen O. sounds like a gorgeous version of a cat clawing its way out of certain death. Somehow, she manages to have a voice that is beautiful and awful. I know everyone already knows this, and that's why this song is a big deal, and blah de fucking blah I'm so hip I knew about this when it was still in their BRAINS and shit!!!!!!!

But it is so compelling, so I want to talk about it some more, too-cool-for-schoolness be damned. I recommend making out to it drunk as hell in a really gross, pathetic bar with a doomed paramour. It would best befit the intense dignity that is Maps, by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Probly Why I'm Always Gettin' Hated On.

It never, EVER gets fucking old. It's simply evergreen, is what it is. Enjoy Conceited, by Remy Ma.

What I'm Doing At My Desk Right Now.

Wearing headphones*, feeling quite hungover, "inputtng expenses", and singing along to my iPod off key. Play along, why don't you?

More Than I Can Say:

Here's the real song as performed by Mister Leo Sayer himself:

Here's the real song, with a special "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" element thrown in for you. Because I like you, that's why.

*Please note new super curly hair due to long overdue coiffing & cut.

(Several explosion sound effects F/X)

(That title was stolen from Matt Sears).

Look here! Why if it isn't...LOS ANGELES FRIENDSHIPS (TM)!

In this episode, meet my dearly beloved Colleen, confection-airess and one of the funniest people I imagine will ever meet. The very marvelous, totally missed by many Josh Haness is also seen here in repose with Modelo. And my sweet Roxanne, who is the best of the best. Maybe you recognize her sassy little figure from a certain album cover of the Rollins Band called NICE? That's right, not only do I have a ton of hot friends, but one of them is mostly nekkid!

Kiss kiss to that. I hate LA and I ain't afraid to say it. But, now that some of my favorite people on earth live there, I can see it being mildly tolerable. Like having a leech on my neck. A nice leech, though.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Remember that song in Silence Of The Lambs?

Tub Talk JOD, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

That "Goodbye Horses" song, that Jame' Gumb frolics about to, mere steps above his bloody fingernail-bedecked murder chamber?

I think I hear it playing

Rocking in '06!

Some kind words from a funny gal names Erin Rose Foley for a fun show I'm lucky enough to co-produce with my old pal, Ms. Kimmy Gatewood. We're coming back strong in 2007, so be there, fool!

The Break Up Show, produced by Kimmy Gatewood & Brandy Barber

Monday, January 08, 2007

I heard this song at LEAST three times last night.

Feel free to click on the image to read this illuminating instant message between my delightful roommate and myself. To really play the game full on, why not listen to Jim Carroll's People Who Died and suck down 4 or 7 Bass pints like they're water, all the while yelling at your friend Vince's polite face?!

I am a Jerk Out like Morris Day and The Time.

Friday, January 05, 2007

"I Suspect He Was Japanese."

For you, Matt Sears!

I Miss My Comedy Wife!

But she shall be back soon...and when she is, watch your back, suckas. We'll be out on the town, causing trouble, she carrying a sumptuous leather bag from a top handbag manufacturer such as Coach or Louis Vuitton, me schlepping some sort of Marc Jacobs-as-inspired-by-Chanel-knock off from Strawberry.

Until then, enjoy this, which upon close examination, is really the cornerstone of our friendship; a Rosetta Stone for those unaquainted, if you will, to our odd, magical, creepy partnership.

Or you could just watch this while eating a whole paw-full of Hershey's Kisses you swiped from the karaoke place while the cashier's back was turned. Knock yourself out, holmes.

Return To Pooh Corner.

I've returned from Southern California! And I have some things to share with Y O U.

1. I went into Duane Reade on 35th & 5th Avenue after work to grab some items and noted that due to space constraints, they had done some intersting space combinations. One sign read, "PET FOOD/FEMININE HYGIENE". This made me slighty uncomfortable.

2. I curled up in my bed the night I got home and cried because I missed my parents so terribly. For the record, I'm 33. Not 3.

3. Nigel, my beloved cat and only begotten son, attacked World's Best Roommate Porter AND Cat-sitter Extrodiannaire and Ex-BF Ben. By attack I mean, he bit them without really using teeth. So I guess that means he gummed them. Even Nigel's seperation anxiety fueled hatred is gentle and loving.

4. During the 5 hour flight home, I did some deep thinking about how I want 2007 to turn out and how to get what I really dream of in the New Year. Some of these profound thoughts included:

- Remember when Michael J. Fox and Nancy McKeon, real life celebrity couple, were in that made for TV movie about summer camp that was a thinly-veiled attempt at recapturing the glory that was Meatballs?
- How many Lime & Chili Lay's can I surreptitiously chomp on before I veer dangerously close to 5 servings from this 6 serving bag?
- If that baby doesn't shut the fuck up I'm cramming it back in for another 9 months.
- Remember how I almost forgot to remove my stash box from my purse before leaving for the airport?
- Who wants to join the Mile High Club? How about you in seat 18F with the skateboard, handsome?
- Seriously. SHUT that baby UP!
- Man, I sincerely hope these newlyweds keep whisper-squabbling over something petty so I can rejoice in my singleness yet again.
- If the fat, androgynous 5'8" 12 year old with BO and the distinct, tangy reek of a filthy scalp in front of me rocks back in his (her?) seat and hits my kneecap one more time, I'm going to pull a McDonald's Grandma and pour hot coffee on its crotch, thereby sealing its fate as a unich-lady.
- Wait. Would finger banging count for the Mile High Club after all? Or would it be assigned a point value to be traded in for full-fledged membership after a certain pre-determined collection period? Discuss with your married Mormon seatmate.

Ah, the peace of mind that rampant self-reflection brings. Truly without price. Peace out, A Town. And welcome back to me.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

"I'm not his girl. He's MY gangster." - Drew Preston, Billy Bathgate

If you haven't seen the movie Billy Bathgate, you're missing out on looking at Loren Dean. And that makes me think you're an idiot, because he may just be physically perfect. Speaking of idiots, read on!

By jove, the utter delight I took tonight in viewing the hilarious ribaldry that IS...Oxygen's The Bad Girls Club! This week, some dimwit chick dry humps an LA shaved ape whilst the other hottentots pass judgement and snipe over sharing limosine privilidges. Oh, 'twas grand!

I attempted to snarf some photo proof of the shennaingans for all you who are too uppity to watch it, or at least admit to doing so. But all I managed to turn up was this casting notice. Too bad I wasn't in Chicago for it. Dang!


It may mean something different to everyone, but if you think of yourself as a "bad girl," then you could be on a new reality show from the producers of The Real World.

The Oxygen Network and Bunim/Murray Productions are currently casting for a new reality series which will bring together six bad girls from across the country. The girls will live in a house in Los Angeles and work with each other to tackle aspects of their personalities that, while making them fabulous, often tend to hold them back from success in relationships and careers. And while the girls efforts may not always be successful, they're going to have a whole lot of fun trying.

Have you ever been called a "drama queen?"

Does your refusal to PLAY BY THE RULES
sometimes get you in trouble?

Do you need to find a way to get it together and reach your dreams without compromising
the things that make you special?

Then Join the club.
The Bad Girls Club.

Saturday, June 17th

The Apartment
2251 N. Lincoln Avenue
Chicago, IL 60614
11 am – 5 pm

Tell us what makes you special. Tell us what you do for a living and whether you enjoy it. Tell us who are the people closest to you and who are the people holding you back? Finally tell us what are your dreams for the future?