I wish a cuckoo would pop out of there.

9:29 PM
You're welcome.

If you ever think I start to sound like Kennedy, please. Please shoot me. I can't help it that we both have glasses and curly hair, but the shrill, middle of the road comedy is what I'm concerned about. I don't hate her, even if she's still A Republican shill. I just don't want to be her. I want to be Chelsea Handler, though. Now SHE kicks ass. I've just seen her do the strongest commentary on the incredily patronizing E! clip show, "50 Most Outrageous TV Moments". She's blowing it out of the water. I aspire to be a cross between the stuff she's doing, Rachael Harris, and ya moms.

11:42 pm
Dear lord, the Sex Inspectors is amazing. I want to watch it over and over and over. It is like a big, fat delicious pan of homemade mac and cheese topped in chunks of tri-tip steak. And then washed down with Vernor's Ginger Ale straight from Cleveland and a goddamned Snickers bar.

11:44 pm
Awww, shit! The "Dirty Laundry" episode of Surreal Life 5. I will swill some flat Dr. Pepper and ride out the post sex Inspectors bliss. I kind of want to go have cucumber finger sandwiches and almond tea at Tea & Sympathy with Sally Jessy Raphael. I like her. She's canny and kitschy- like when she was on TV Funhouse. Plus, gotta love a lady in the glasses (with the exception of the aforementioned Kennedy).

Omorosa: "Let's just do the damn thing." Yes. Let's.

11:54 pm
I wonder of it would be safe to drink the Spicy Buffalo sauce that is now offered at the KFC Flavor Station. I'll go ahead and be the woman brave enough to get to the bottom of it.

11:57 pm
Oh dear god. First a commerical with a talking baby slobbering over a Quizno's sub. Then, another commerical with some sort of talking animal which I kinda forgot the jist of while I was editing this and also because I was distracted by the clip of Janice yelling at the mentally challenged adults, "Hey! Rainman!" Shit. When it comes back on I will bitch about it in detail because it damn sure made me squirm. ADHD.

12:16 pm
OK, that's IT. Enough fucking around, people. I have just seen an ad for a film called Dreamer and I jave the following decree to make: There needs to be a blackout date enacted to prevent that little imp Dakota Fanning from being in any more movies. Seriously! What's she up to now, like 47 films?! I'm going to feed her and her stage parents some rat poison brownies. Lay off already. Ever hear of a little child superstar by the name of Anissa Jones*, nee' Buffy from A Family Affair? Look her up.

*BTW, the town she OD'd in (Oceanside, California) is where I grew up. Oside's other claim to fame? Besides having a giant Marine base, a Jolly Roger restaurant nestled in the harbor, and a fascinating barrio, the town is also one of the places Charles Manson spent the night post-masterminding his murder spree. Thank god my parents eventually moved and my brother got to go to a public school that was akin to a boarding school. Me? I went to the high school that the angry black cheerleaders in "Bring It On" did. I'm not kidding.

Look At Me.

If you click on the link to, "Watch The Commercial, See What It Used To Be Like" you can see me frantically digging for my pitch notes, then having a break down. There are a lot of other awesome comedians featured as well.

So there you go.

Shrill, Shiny.

Stupid ass stupid Blogger's stupid image upload isn't working. Sorry for the lack of eye candy. Stupid, stupid ass Blogger.

This blog has been full of my shrill political opinions over the past week or two. Lest my 4 and a 1/2 readers (the 1/2 being, but of course, Emmanuel Lewis) get the wrong idea, I shall return to my prior empty-headed prattling. Enjoy my vapid spittle about boys, clothes, and any manner of shiny things, dear readers- and rejoice!

Man, am I ever hungover. You know you're drunk at a comedy show when hearing your friends laugh in the audience makes you laugh. Really hard. And really, really loud.

I got to hang out with my dear Rob Webber last night. I haven't seen him in a while. At first, I flipped him the bird, which I pressed up against his smooth cheek. Then I berated him about his fascination with Roller Derby (an excuse to look up the skirts of some pretty tough babes, in my opinion). Lastly, in order to truly abuse my dear friend, I encouraged Anne to mock Rob for having a copy of Backstage on his person. As he was trying to flirt with some ladies (yet another of his follies) Anne stood behind him, paper held high, brow furrowed in concentration as she scanned the non-Equity chorus boy calls. I cackled maniacally, and Webber turned, laughed at me and asked, "Are you making fun of me?" I then scampered into the bathroom, dug in my giant starw handbag (which Bri said looked like I was going to a picnic), opened yet another bottle of Brooklyn Lager, poured it into a glass, and re-emerged, proud at my repeated attempts to crush the will of someone I consider one of my close friends.

I am what the kids these days call a "keeper". Or wait...is that a "cougar"*? Oh, well, I'm that, too.

I think, if you have a digital camera, you should go ahead and take a picture of your vagina. Not for anyone, just for you. You should know what your body looks like- not to criticize it but to be aware so that you're cool with yourself. But make sure that if you do, you don't let that camera out of your sight- for example, if a friend of a friend grabs your camera and starts looking idly at your pictures. This is feminist zap action & a precautionary tale all wrapped up in one. Yes, I have done this and no, that did not happen to me (but it DID happen to a lady friend of mine who shall remain unamed and who made me laugh until I cried with her re-relling of it last night).

This is for all you ladies out there who, when you're making a comment where you're expressing a strong opinion, preface it by going, "I mean, I'm not like a feminist or anything..." Fuck that disrespect. Guess what? If you think you deserve equal pay for equal work, I've got some bad news for you. You've got feminist cooties. Serisouly? Do your homework and stop letting outdated ill-informed media sterotypes make you scared to identify yourself as someone who wants nothing more than equality for all- and yes, Virginia, that includes men.

FUNNEL CAKE! FUNNL CAKE! FUNNEL CAKE!!!






*FULL DISCLOSURE: "Cougar" is a term for a woman of a certain age (read: over 21, because after that age we're useless and must divert attention from the numeral representing our age so as not to be taken off to the glue factory for having wrinkles) who "prowls" for "cubs", these being men of not yet of a certain age. So basically, Hollywood but in reverse. I didn't make it up, either.

Fur: Not A Good Thing.

I love you, Martha Stewart. Now & forever. Fur is gross, cruel, and unnecessary. I don't understand how people-women- can justify buying it! I understand vintage stuff- I admit, I have a fur my Grandma gave me. But it sits in the closet, making me feel guilty and sad. I keep it out of some sort of familial duty, but I don't like it. When I look at it, I want to throw up.

What exactly does wearing a fur prove? That you have a lot of money? Awesome. You win. How lame.

If you live in Alaska, are an American Eskimo, and hunted something furry to use us food/a garment because if you didn't you'd die from exposure, OK. If you're a suburban housewife, I think you suck, and you can shove your chinchilla coat AND your South African diamonds from DeBeers (slavery mongers) and your fucking SUV that you drive to the nail salon and back, burning up gas so that we continue to remain at war whilst forcing Korean immigrants to work in slave labor conditions so you can have a fucking nasty french manicure on your fat feet (and I'm sure, undertip). I know my Mom is going to be mad at me for being mean like this but I don't feel like being tolerant, it's selfish and icky. So I will take Kathy's tolerance lecture as penance. Also I have low blood sugar and am full of hate today. So there.

But seriously? People that wear fur are gross. End of story.

Martha Stewart gives up fur, makes PETA video

September 21, 2005 2:16 PM EDT

NEW YORK - Martha Stewart, who says she's given up fur, has made a video for PETA.
"I used to wear fur, but like many others, I had a change of heart when I learned what actually happens to the animals," Stewart says in the video.

The 5-minute video on the fur trade is narrated by Stewart and is available on PETA's Web site, http://www.peta.org.

"So much violence in the world seems beyond our control, but this is one cruelty we can stop by being informed consumers," she says.

Stewart's turnaround came this spring when she began communicating from jail by letter with Dan Mathews, the vice president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Stewart, 64, served five months in a West Virginia federal prison for lying about a 2001 stock sale. That was followed by nearly six months of house arrest, which concluded Sept. 1.

"The Apprentice: Martha Stewart" - an offshoot of the Donald Trump reality series - was to premiere Wednesday on the NBC television network. Stewart also hosts the new syndicated morning show, "Martha."

Terminate THIS, You Nazi Homophobe.

RE: Gender-Neutral Marriage/AB 00849

Dear Governor Schwarznegger,

Please, please, please- show some human dignity and respect. DO NOT veto AB 00849! There is nothing wrong with gender-neutral marriages.

I URGE you to support this legislation. I am no longer living in California, but I am so concerned with the negative effect your veto could have in the rest of the United States, I wanted to contact you and let you know my thoughts.

You have to chance to make a historical decision that could help forward the cause of human rights. Please don't forget how many lives you can change for the better for generations to come.

Thank you.
Brandy Barber

Tell Sen. Charles Schumer to Take Stand for Progressive Values by Voting No Tomorrow!

Dear People From New York Who Read Brandy's Blog (all 4 1/2 of you),

Tell Sen. Charles Schumer, who sits on the Judiciary Committee, to follow Sen. Reid's example tomorrow (Wednesday Septmber 21st) by voting no on Roberts! Call (202) 224-6542.

If all eight Democrats on the Judiciary Committee vote no tomorrow, they will be standing up for civil rights, privacy rights, immigrant rights, and environmental rights. They also will show, as Sen. Reid declared, that the White House cannot aid a stonewalling nominee "without some consequences."

Call Sen. Charles Schumer at (202) 224-6542 to demand a "no" vote on Roberts!

Sen. Reid's announcement comes as a new group of organizations have swollen the progressive ranks opposing Roberts. On Monday and Tuesday, the AFL-CIO, SEIU, AFSCME, American Association of University Women, Center for American Progress, the Congressional Black Caucus, the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, and US Action joined the more than 35 organizations calling on senators to vote no.

Tell Sen. Charles Schumer to stand up for progressive values Thursday by voting no on Roberts! Call (202) 224-6542.

--Your Allies at People For the American Way, and also Brandy's laptop, which allows her to cut & paste stuff because she is a lazy troll.

Secret Messags, like ELO.

Justin, this one's for you my friend- thanks for the ring!

This Will Only Take A Second.

This is cut & pasted from an email I just got, but wanted to to put it out there; it took me roughly 30 seconds to call and push some buttons to say I think all people deserve the right to be married, regardless of sexual orientation. Get on it, especially if you're at work and it's on their dime.

As you probably know, California's passage of the Civil Marriage and Religious Protection Act (AB849) would grant equal marriage rights to same-sex couples and affirm the basic rights of all Californians. For the first time in history, a marriage equality bill has passed through a state legislature. The bill could reach Governor Schwarzenegger's desk this week.

The Governor has indicated that he will veto this historic legislation [because he is a Nazi psychopath- Ed.]. Governor Schwarzenegger needs to hear from the entire country that the passage of this Act will ensure equal treatment under the law for all Californians. The elected officials from California have already spoken for the people, and now it is time to show the Governor that signing this Act into law is the right thing to do.

Call Governor Schwarzenegger directly at: (916) 445- 2841 and urge him to sign AB 849, and affirm the equal rights of all Californians, or fax him a letter at (916) 445-4633.

Thank you for your support in this monumentous occasion. Don't miss out on your opportunity to be a part of history in the making!Sincerely,Joe Solmonese, HRC President

THIS IS MY CRACK.

If you have not seen HBO's import The Sex Inspectors, you are missing out on what has to be the most riveting show I have ever seen. I cannot stop watching this show. It's like in the early days when no one had a VCR and you actually read the little HBO Guide that came each month so you could see how many times the show you wanted to see aired, and then you made sure your ass was there to watch each and every one. It's in its second season in Britain, I wish I could see all of them in a marathon right now.

If you were/are in a relationship where there were/are sexual issues, make sure and watch with a box of Kleenex. You've been warned.

I need your help.

Here I am with my friend Liam, who is producing a benefit for Hurricane Katrina victims. I'm trying to help by asking for donations of product that we could offer to those buying raffle tickets. If you have ANYTHING you can offer, or anyone who you can ask- please let me know asap. I've already gotten some choice stuff donated by Adam, Brianne, April, Sara and Dan. Nothing is too small- everything helps. Thanks so much in advance. And make sure to come to the show!


Details below:



THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22nd
THE HURRICANE BENEFIT SHOW
at Mo Pitkins' House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A
Take the F train to 2nd Ave.

INFORMATION: (212) 777-5660
BUY YOUR TIX ONLINE: TicketWeb
DOORS OPEN: 7:30pm
SHOW STARTS: 8:00pm
$15.00

Come see some of New York City's best comedians perform in a show to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina. If you've seen the news footage coming out of the disaster area, you know that there's a lot of work to be done over the next few months to help get these people's lives back in some semblance of order.

WITH YOUR MC - Liam McEneaney (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, VH1's Best Week Ever)

FEATURING:

* Eddie Brill (has done "The Late Show w/ David Letterman" 8 times, and had his own "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2 hour special)
* Rob Corrdry (correspondent for "The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart")
* Becky Donohue ("Premium Blend," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn")
* Christian Finnegan ("Best Week Ever," a frequent guest on NBC's "The Today Show," the host of TV Land's "Game Time," and had his own "Comedy Central Presents" half-hour special)
* Judy Gold (has had her own HBO and Comedy Central specials and has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Brian Kiley (a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Paul Scheer (VH1's "Best Week Ever")
* Victor Varnado (from the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash," the Schwarzenegger movie "End of Days," Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!")

PLUS THE WORLD'S MOST KICKASS RAFFLE:

We are giving away

* A 20 gb color iPod (courtesy of TekServe)
* An autographed copy of The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart Presents America: The Book
* Several baseballs autographed by major league baseball superstars whose names I actually can't reveal right now
* Monk gift set, including DVD box set, hat, and autographed script.
* An autographed copy of Thank You, Sir by Jonathan Ames
* An autographed copy of The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers by Andy Borowitz
* Tickets to tapings of your favorite late night shows, including Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, The Late Show w/ David Letterman, and The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno
* Some classic graphic novels courtesy of The Center for Cartoon Studies (at least a $50.00 value)
* 2 tickets to the play Thom Paine at the Daryl Roth Theatre
* 2 pairs of handmade earrings donated by April Edwards, 4 Moons Handcrafted Jewelry
* Simon & Schuster book grab bag
* a genuine COACH handbag!!!

AND COURTESY OF THE BROOKLYN BREWERY:

* An autographed copy of The Brewmaster’s Table by Garrett Oliver
* Gift certificates for free beers at their happy hour.
* Five cases of Brooklyn Beer

...and more to come! Keep checking back for raffle updates!

BIG THANKS TO MO PITKINS' HOUSE OF SATISFACTION FOR DONATING THEIR BEAUTIFUL SPACE.

ABOUT OUR PRIZE CONTRIBUTORS:

TekServe is THE #1 source for all Mac knowledge, whether you want to buy a Mac or have yours serviced or upgraded. Thanks to Karen Sneider.

Autographed Daily Show book courtesy Chris Regan and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Brooklyn Brewery is NY's favorite local microbrewery. What can I say? I've sampled enough of their delicious product to consider myself a "satisfied customer." Sam Merritt is your Brooklyn Brewery man.

Autographed baseballs courtesy comedian Brody Stevens. BROdy! ProFESSional! ReLIable! (No, he hasn't autographed them himself.)

Monk gift assortment courtesy Dan Dratch.

Autographed Jonathan Ames book courtesy himself.

Autographed Andy Borowitz book courtesy himself.

Graphic novels courtesy Robyn Chapman at The Center For Cartoon Studies, a brand new cartooning university in Vermont. Really, check it out.

Thom Paine tickets donated by Adam Hess, General Manager of the DR2 Theatre.

2 pairs of handmade earrings donated by April Edwards, 4 Moons Handcrafted Jewelry

Simon & Schuster grab bag donated by Brianne Halverson.

You Deserve It.

My friend April named a choker she made by hand for me. It has peridots, which are green and therefore superior. She makes all sorts of lucious jewelry, and she charges scandalously low prices because she is A) fair and B) an artist and therefore, humble.

Go by her new site and look at her stuff. I have also asked her to custom make me pieces and they are always amazing- I can describe them to her, make her a sketch or even swipe pics from places like Me & Ro, and she always manages to make me one of a kind things to cherish.

So take a look when you can, or send her a request!

Disrespecting Apple.

from Brit gossip e-letter, POPBITCH:

>> "You're terrible, Coldplay..." <<
Muriel's Wedding actress speaks wisdom

An Australia man was driving down the freeway when he noticed the woman in the car beside him waving. When they pulled up at the lights he wound down the window. "I've just bought the new Coldplay album", she said. "Do you want it? It's crap!" The man said yes, and she chucked the CD through the open car window. At that point he realised it was Muriel's Wedding star Toni Collette.

I have to agree. I think I'm the only person left who is just throughly underwhelmed by Coldplay. I tend to side with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who opined they were better the first time around when they were called Radiohead (who is clearly better, but it's still a great joke). Of course, I was also enraged by Dido and her blatant Sarah Maclachlan rip-off and was, again, in the minority there.

I understand being INSPIRED by someone else's work. I mean, jesus, my favorite band is openly paying homage to both the Beatles (who are borrowing from early R&B themselves) and Del Shannon. But parroting a sound to the point where you sound like you're regurgutatung*, at least to me, is just lame. Sorry Gywneth, because I really like you, but your man's band is annoying.

*I realized I spelled this really, really wrong. But it looked so funny I left it as is. Like J Lo, I'm real.

This one's for you, Alison Blaire.

People shouldn't give me reasons to nerd out. Because this is double trouble in a big geek way.

On My Kickass Van, Tarik and Dave Berman picked all of our superhero alter egos for us. I was assigned the Dazzler (noted as a highly skilled roller skater FYI) and of course, was delighted.

Just in case.

If you missed The Aristocrats, then feel free to click this helpful link for what has to be the most through summary you could have ever wanted. It may, in fact, be a complete transcript.

Enjoy!

Reflections of the way life used to be.

I am watching an old episode of SNL and the musical guests are the Backstreet Boys. Now say what you want. But they can fucking dance. Also, insane drunk abusive Nick Carter? Sorry but he's hot.

Are you accusing me of being stoned?

Doing somthing rather than talking about maybe doing something.

Again, in an unprecedented show of selflessness, my high-handed, shrill, condescending civic-mindedness is surfacing.

But bear with me: this year, instead of being paralyzed by guilt, or being aimlessly sad, I suggest you go to this site, which is really lovely and pro-active. Since I have the luxury to be alive to do something, I'm going to as a tribute.

So that's all of that mature, dignified nonsense, where's the booze?!

My Mom & I on Liberty Island, 6/2001