Sunday, September 25, 2005

Shrill, Shiny.

Stupid ass stupid Blogger's stupid image upload isn't working. Sorry for the lack of eye candy. Stupid, stupid ass Blogger.

This blog has been full of my shrill political opinions over the past week or two. Lest my 4 and a 1/2 readers (the 1/2 being, but of course, Emmanuel Lewis) get the wrong idea, I shall return to my prior empty-headed prattling. Enjoy my vapid spittle about boys, clothes, and any manner of shiny things, dear readers- and rejoice!

Man, am I ever hungover. You know you're drunk at a comedy show when hearing your friends laugh in the audience makes you laugh. Really hard. And really, really loud.

I got to hang out with my dear Rob Webber last night. I haven't seen him in a while. At first, I flipped him the bird, which I pressed up against his smooth cheek. Then I berated him about his fascination with Roller Derby (an excuse to look up the skirts of some pretty tough babes, in my opinion). Lastly, in order to truly abuse my dear friend, I encouraged Anne to mock Rob for having a copy of Backstage on his person. As he was trying to flirt with some ladies (yet another of his follies) Anne stood behind him, paper held high, brow furrowed in concentration as she scanned the non-Equity chorus boy calls. I cackled maniacally, and Webber turned, laughed at me and asked, "Are you making fun of me?" I then scampered into the bathroom, dug in my giant starw handbag (which Bri said looked like I was going to a picnic), opened yet another bottle of Brooklyn Lager, poured it into a glass, and re-emerged, proud at my repeated attempts to crush the will of someone I consider one of my close friends.

I am what the kids these days call a "keeper". Or wait...is that a "cougar"*? Oh, well, I'm that, too.

I think, if you have a digital camera, you should go ahead and take a picture of your vagina. Not for anyone, just for you. You should know what your body looks like- not to criticize it but to be aware so that you're cool with yourself. But make sure that if you do, you don't let that camera out of your sight- for example, if a friend of a friend grabs your camera and starts looking idly at your pictures. This is feminist zap action & a precautionary tale all wrapped up in one. Yes, I have done this and no, that did not happen to me (but it DID happen to a lady friend of mine who shall remain unamed and who made me laugh until I cried with her re-relling of it last night).

This is for all you ladies out there who, when you're making a comment where you're expressing a strong opinion, preface it by going, "I mean, I'm not like a feminist or anything..." Fuck that disrespect. Guess what? If you think you deserve equal pay for equal work, I've got some bad news for you. You've got feminist cooties. Serisouly? Do your homework and stop letting outdated ill-informed media sterotypes make you scared to identify yourself as someone who wants nothing more than equality for all- and yes, Virginia, that includes men.

FUNNEL CAKE! FUNNL CAKE! FUNNEL CAKE!!!






*FULL DISCLOSURE: "Cougar" is a term for a woman of a certain age (read: over 21, because after that age we're useless and must divert attention from the numeral representing our age so as not to be taken off to the glue factory for having wrinkles) who "prowls" for "cubs", these being men of not yet of a certain age. So basically, Hollywood but in reverse. I didn't make it up, either.

3 comments:

BrianneLee said...

Brandy, You pack the most amazing picnics. I loved seeing you on Saturday. Must do again! xoxo Bri

saraisloco said...

Wow, what a silly story about your friend. Ha ha. She sounds silly....and cute. But I seriously have no idea who you are referring to.

Side note - don't ever let Barber take a photo of you on the can. Co-workers may try to borrow your camera to take a pic of a handbag.

Brandy For Sale. said...

Ok, I'll fess up- it was Webber's vagina picture.