Take The 5 Things You Don't Know About Brandy Challenge!

I been done called out by my dear pal (and former co-worker in an office not dissimilar to hell itself many moons ago), Ms. Emily Rems. And to keep this chain a goin', I challenge Giulia, Sara, Alty, Sears, and MCC to join in the fray.

Here it goes: 5 Things You Don't Know About Barber. Or, if you somehow do, just play nice and keep it down, would you. smart mouth? Jesus, you're a real "shock jock".

1. I was secretly relieved when my first New York pet, a beta fish named Gilda, died. The fish was bought in my first weekend in New York City in 1999 at a pet store I went all the way from the my studio in the Upper West Side across the park to the Upper East Side to purchase. This was because there was no functioning Citysearch or Google Mpas or what have you, and I flipped open the phone book to find pet store listings and that address seemed closest. There was actually one about 2 blocks away from my studio located on LaSalle & Broadway, but I hadn't learned the subtleties of crosstreets or subway & bus lines yet, for I was still a pup. a real New York City novice. Anyway, the fish was cool for the first year and then, a nusiance. I am cruddy.

2. When I was little I was so boy crazy that I took an ad from the Sears catlogue of a boy I thought was cute (who resembled a boy named Larry Johnson I liked in 1st grade) and cut it out. The plan was to take it to school and tell all my classmates that this was my superstar model boyfriend. In case any of them balked at this blatant lie, I then had the premonition to write a love letter to myself from this gentleman caller. Before I made a royal jackass out of myself, I tried a test run at home. And who should I chose to pass it off to but my Dad, Terry. I really thought I'd have him convinced that the scribbled note and poorly-cut out newsprint scrap I handed him was from a potential suitor. Let us not forget that the picture I chose was of a guy in a karate robe and Superman underoos, because I always was a horny little tramp with the bedroom eyes no one could deny. My Dad delighted in the torment that followed this blatant, creepy lie on my part. I still can recall the crowing he put forth as he doubled over, tears coming from his eyes while he clutched my totally pathetic attempt at romantic forgery. Do we blame him for running up one side of me and down the other? No. We do not.

3. I have never touched a Ouija board. Nor will I EVER. That shit is fucked up.

4. I didn't learn to snap my fingers until I was in my twenties. As a result, I still can only snap so-so with my right hand. My parents told me the only way to learn how was to practice, but I was too impatient to ever really try. I finally figured it out purely by accident and way later than your average orangatuan.

5. I am scared of birds, specifically of their feet. I also dislike when a bird attempts to speak as if it were human. Ick.

There you have it. Do with it what you will.