Someone got MORTIFIED in Boston last night.

The magical MORTIFIED! book tour ended up in Boston last night, and we sold out AND played right next door to J. Masics- that's right, DINOSAUR JR. was playing! How very appropo. I myself kept trying to decide which of the smoking hot 23 year old hipsters with alliances to music that was out when they were in cribs I was going to mount like a fucking hunting trophy. But in between imagining tall indie rock boys in sherpa-lined Levi's cord jackets prone & nude, I managed to drag my ass onstage and be a part of what was an awesome line up of performers for a sold out engagment of MORTIFIED! Boston, produced by the fab Giulia Rozzi with a guest appearacne from our fearless creator, Dave Nadelberg himself. There were lots of folks from the book there, as well as some first timers, so it was a grand mix of former (and in my case, current) nerds.

The show was at a venue called the Paradise Lounge, and they could not have been nicer. It was such a treat to get to leave New York for a day and go spread the (dorky) word onstage.



We got some GREAT press for the show- here's a link to a fun article that really captures what it's like to see MORTIFIED live from Boston's Weekly Dig. The article's writer, Shaula Clark, sums up my INSANE creepy diary:


Brandy Barber, diary
Backstory: Throughout high school, Barber wondered why she was soooo persecuted and misunderstood—which might have had something to do with her hijacking and wrecking friends’ cars, drenching wrongdoers’ houses in urine, and serving Ex-Lax cookies to unsuspecting peers, and otherwise raising hell. You’ll have to get your hands on a copy of the book for the entire jaw-dropping saga, but here are a few choice lines:

-December 18, 1988:
Sara and I stole Leslie’s car and toilet papered Nick’s house. We trashed it with toilet paper, garlic, vinegar, flour, rice, Woolite Rug Cleaner, coffee, honey, LaSeur peas, Vaseline, toothpicks in the keyhole of cars, lice spray, and her brother’s underwear with a love note. I found out Leslie spat on Dan’s trench coat like 50 times and Sara let me wear it without telling me. So I spat all over Leslie’s guitar and ruined her school picture with the Woolite.

-New Year’s Resolutions 1989:
1. Take dancing
2. Make love to: Mick Jagger, Keanu Reeves, Eric Stotlz, Christian Slater, Dave Gahan
3. Have illicit affair (as above)
4. Grow long nails

I will do at least 3 of these or GO BALD!!!

-February 22, 1989
Found out Max tried to kill himself with 40 nitroglycerin pills ... I feel so sad, I cried for half an hour. I can’t handle it. Note: Dan thinks I am self-centered. I wouldn’t mind lighting him on fire. Sara and I tortured Christianly Christian Meredith and cut out her picture and put it on Garret’s private parts in the Swim Team yearbook photo.

-April 3, 1989
Mr. Driscoll is mad because in the April Fool’s paper I published a joke article about Mr. Lents escaping from an asylum and we drew a swastika on his forehead like Manson and made a few Hitler references and now everyone’s having a bovine birthright (a cow).

***

There is so, so much more in the Mortified book; if you’ve read this far, you really need to pick up a copy. But honestly, there’s nothing quite like seeing this stuff live. DO AT LEAST ONE OF THESE OR GO BALD.

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So gang, if you haven't yet, come get mortified in person- we have a show next Thursday, Dec. 7th in New York (with a huge party after, so do come and drink up while we play Vanilla Ice and Marky Marky & The Funky Bunch). The book is out nationwide, so check that shit out. AND- please, we'd love for you to join the cult that is MORTIFIED- get in touch with your own lame diaries, notes, essays, lyrics, what have you. Just go to www.getmortified.com.

And Have Yourself A Very Betsey Xmas-time!

The Kissing Booth presents: A VERY BETSEY XMAS!

Written by Brandy Barber & Sara Jo Allocco

Directed by Jen Wineman

December 2nd & 9th, 2006 10:30 PM - $5
The D Lounge
101 East 15th Street, Basement Level
www.dloungenyc.com
212-375-1110

Can the wily eye-patch wearing 10 year old Betsey manage to help her 4th grade teacher Ms. Collins save the community center, star in the Annual Non-Denominational Holiday Joy Fest Pageant, AND learn the true meaning of the holidays? Come find out in this show-within-a-show, featuring the talents of some of New York’s most fantastic stand ups, musicians and sketch performers:

BRIANNE HALVERSON (PARTY CENTRAL USA)

MICHAEL TERRY (COMEDY CENTRAL’S MOTHERLOAD , PARTY CENTRAL USA)

KATINA CORRAO (CAROLINE’S)

MATT MCCARTHY (MAX!)

MICHAEL CYRIL CREIGHTON (VH1’S BEST NIGHT EVER)

AMANDA PETTIT (DON’T TOUCH ME THERE!)

PATRICK DALL’ O CCHIO (JOHNNY LUNCHPAIL)

JOHN F. O’DONNELL (CHECK YOUR COOL! COMEDY SHOW)

THE SIZZLE TWINS (GSN’S I’VE GOT A SECRET)

SHAYNA FERM (FEARSOME, BATTLE OF THE FUNNY BANDS WINNER 2006)

SHAWN HOLLENBACH (MORTIFIED!, OH MY GOD!)

ROBIN GELFENBIEN (FREEDUMB, SIRUS SATTELITE RADIO)

Even MORE Mortified- TONIGHT!

Hey there- more MORTIFIED! The book got a fantastic write up in today's New York Post from the very funny Mandy Stadtmiller- click here to share the shame. And tonight, there's a free reading & book signing with the show's fearless creator, Dave Nadelberg, at the Barnes & Noble Astor Place! Go and a get a quick taste of what a mini-MORTIFIED! show can provide.

MORTIFIED: Real Words. Real People. Real Pathetic. Book Reading & Signing
Barnes & Noble Astor Place
4 Astor Place, NYC
7:00 pm - FREE!

GET MORTIFIED!

The MORTIFIED! book hits stores tomorrow, and I would love for all three of my faithful Hatefully Charming blog readers to go out and buy multiple copies for gifting and keeping and such. BONUS: There is not only my hideous diary from 1989 BUT, two count them TWO photos of me looking like quite the troll. Well worth the price of admission!

Seriously- this book is an amazing thing, please get ahold of this. And take the time when you're home for the winter holidays to dig up your own diaries, poetry, and such- it's a worthwhile experience to do so. If you want, you can even come and read it in the show here in NYC (or, in Chicago, San Francisco, Boston or Los Angeles). We're always looking for more folks to get mortified. But even if you don't want to publicly share the shame, you can still enjoy the process of catharsis- highly recommended.

Check out this interview with MORTIFIED! creator and fearless reader, Dave Nadelberg, which ran on the Today show this morning. Al Roker interviews Dave and you'll get to see some fantastic LA Mortifiers in action. We'll also be featured in an upcoming Geraldo At Large segment this week (not sure on time- will update when I hear about it) and in a feature in the NY Post (tomorrow, Tuesday from what I understand). And there'll be book signings and all sorts of fun to be had, including a fantastic book launch/anniversary party on December 7th at The Tank- buy tickets now if you think you may want to come, as it will surely sell out.

Seriously, be a part of the grassroots phenomenon that is MORTIFIED! You'll be glad you did. And by the way...I, too, hate Drake. Enjoy:

Happy Happy.

Now Is A Great Time For A Cake Treat!

Josh?, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

You all remember Toby. My invisible boyfriend? He's back, and we're better than ever. See what a kidder he is? Sara is kind of jealous of him, though. But I know she'll come around. Everyone always does with Toby. He makes a friend of all he meets. Which is never, because he's really awfuly busy. Blink, and you'll miss him. Can I help it if I have a highly successful globe-trotting gentleman caller? No, no I cannot.

You'd all best be wise not to come between us. Like INXS, you will never tear us apart.

Barber-ic Yawp.

Last Night, originally uploaded by Sourire.

Things I will do when I get home to San Diego for Thanksgiving.

1. Play Kenny Loggins, "Celebrate Me Home" and sing at top volume with the windows in my Dad's car down as I barrel along the Coast highway at sunset.

2. Eat my weight in carne asada burritos from Alberto's.

3. Buy all the great clothes at the Barney's Outlet that no Southern Californian has the good sense to.

4. Lay out on the balcony in a bikini on Thanksgiving.

5. Make my Dad some sort of swishy cocktail (A saketini, perchance?) and serve it to him with flair.

6. Ask my Mom to play with my hair. No one gets to touch my hair but Kathy Barber.

7. Walk Yorktown, the world's worst basset hound and surreptitiously smoke, then lie to my Dad and say it must have been someone who stood by my coat at JFK and blew smoke on me when questioned about the stench.

8. Enjoy the fuck out of myself while drinking ice cold Miller High Lifes in the hot tub under a canopy of stars.

9. Bulk up on a deep fried Thanksgiving Day Turkey.

10. Play "Name That 70's R&B Classic Soul Jam Hit" with my Dad- there's sure to be selections from the OJays, The Commedores, and most definitely Kool & The Gang.

Now Is A Time I Feel Inside!

Porter and I stayed up late recently and got ourselves into hysterics over when non-native English speaking exchange students say funny shit. We are very, VERY highbrow.

"Mom, Our exchange student Is Super Weird!" -me, in 13 year old Valley girl voice

Here is what Porter & I have imagined that Hiroku, said exchange student, has been heard to say with great enthusiasm:


I have 3 hamburgers tonight!
I put up your duke!
A bunny is here!
I am courageous to party!
You better take off THAT wristwatch!


There were a lot more but I was snorting and could not move myself from the couch to write them for posterity. Later, we broke out the remote controlled fart machine.

Our Album Cover.

November 2006 004, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

Rozzi said the name of our fabulous new group is "Gimme Back My Vodka".

"I tell you this, because you're an artist." - Duane Hall

First of all, I wanted to say I love this picture, and I especially love the woman who took it of me, the fancy Ms. Anya Garrett. She always manages to capture people's truest essence on film (which is why I'm clutching a beer) while making them look great. I am so happy here- I'm at my show, I'm watching my comedy partner onstage and laughing at her, and life is so good. I could not be more in love with life these days.

A restful, refreshing Sunday was in order today. A lovely crisp, cold Sunday full of lounging, and coffee and breakfast I made for myself and Brooklyn Friendships (TM). And it is currently in progress. I am on the couch, cuddled up in a blanket, swaddled in a cashmere wrap, drinking hazelnut coffee, eating a whole wheat English muffin with Canadian bacon, an egg and lots and lots of cheese and Crystal hot sauce, and watching Annie Hall for the millionth time. I turned on the TV and there it was, on TCM. Who am I to argue with fate? This is the perfect antidote to a night of rampaging, this intellectual atonement offset with sips of steaming java and, I am delighted to share, an occasional mini Charleston Chew. I stumbled upon a stash of them leftover at work from Halloween festivities.

I woke up today at 11 am with a champagne and Vicoden induced warm fuzzy feeling left over from last night's debauchery. My tonsils hurt to high hell from the many, many ciagarettes I thought it wise to smoke. My headphones were still on my ears and I had my iPod on repeat, playing Wham's "Last Christmas". This can only mean one thing- that I was drunkenly singing along to it. Probably loudly, definitely off key. My gaze travelled down to my feet. One boot was still on, the other was nowhere to be seen. Then I looked around and realized I didn't recognize the bedroom I was in. Oh, dear.

All in all, well done, Brandy.

I have a new fave song. You'll never guess- why yes, it IS a cheesy R&B glossfest! It's "Enjoy" by Janet Jackson. It's a really gorgeous, lush hyper-produced pop confection of a song. And while I loathe re-printing lyrics, I had to in this case because, while trite, they are so lovely. And I will not apologize for taking great pleasure in them. SO DON'T ASK ME TO!

I've been kind enough to locate this creepy YouTube video for the song, if you want to listen to it while simultaneously being skeeved out by the visuals.






And just enjoy and celebrate
Enjoy the love we make
Enjoy, appreciate
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til my heart's content
And enjoy when someone smiles
Enjoy
So let's enjoy the simple things
Enjoy the day life brings
Enjoy the song love sings
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
To your heart's content
And enjoy the gift of life
Enjoy

Three Plays by Margot Tennenbaum.

I was shopping yesterday at lunch, seeking adorable outfits for going out Saturday night to tear shit up and the like. While I did, there was a loud pop soundtrack playing in the store. You know the type-loud enough that I thought at times I was in a club. As I checked out the fit of things in the mirror of the dressing room, a song came on that I was shocked by. This was because it was so obviously cheesy and yet, I loved the fuck out of it. I got so mad at myself for falling for such overproduced crap, but I also couldn't resist it. I got suckered in. And that song, was "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce'. Seriously, I know I'm a chump but I will always love R&B so much. I love that these are amazingly gorgeous women that sing these lyrics, yet they always seem to get cheated on- it's sort of built into things, and almost expected, like tipping your waiter. And then, inevitably, these betrayed but still very well-coiffed ladies have a big ass kicking anthem that they belt out in the aftermath. I wonder what the state of R&B would be if some of the gents actually treated their sweet lady and/or boo with respect. Pretty boring, I imagine.

\

Hatefully Charming's Glory Hole Part Four...I think. Aw, who's counting?

I am too crazed these days to actually provide new content for my beloved, neglected blog. This photo may tell you why. That's right, I can't stop abortin'! So, while I leak some more useless placenta & gently nurse my vag sutures, enjoy this rehashed bit of turd I wrote a while back, if you will. Note my futile attempts at "titles". This trend lasted maybe one more entry in the ol' blog. Yo, what happened to peace? PEACE.

Thursday, May 05, 2005: Fire Island.


THE BEARDED SPAM
I misread the subject line of a SPAM email about prescription drugs and thought it said, "generic vagina". I like that term.

AT LONG LAST, LYRICAL LOVE
I have a new love. I know, I know, it's too soon after Toby (my aforementioned imagniary boyfriend of 9 months) but this one, he's a keeper. He stands outside of work every afternoon, and when I got out to grab my mid-day coffee, he chants at me. Somtimes it's unitelligible, sometimes it's a stream of consciousness about the evil, blood-drinking Jews- who can tell what each day will bring from his artistic tool box? The man is an unfettered poet spewing his seminal words & spittle on all who would cross his path. But today, he won my heart. As you may well know, I'm desperately trying to lose some winter (beer) weight. It's working, and as a result I put on a pair of pants I haven't worn in a while today and was pleased with the look of things downtown. Just now, as I walked past my insane pal on my daily jaunt to the coffee shop, he snapped to attention, stuck his tounge out, howled, and then began to sing the Mystikal song, "Shake Ya Ass!". If that doesn't put the spring into a young lady's step, I don't know what will. I gave the coffee guy an extra tip, and on the way back, was going to propose marriage or at least a "thanks for noticing" hand job to "the Bard", but he was arguing with his green bucket, a constant companion of his. I guess he's taken. All the good ones are, am I right, ladies?!?!

JUST GIVE IT TO ME
Seriously.

soapboxin' it up.

There's still plenty of time for you to go out and vote today- because if you already haven't you damn well should.

Seriously. This little lady wrote her 8th grade term paper on suffragettes in the United States. Let's talk about that fact that I am still angry that women haven't even had the right to vote in the United States for a century, and that ANYONE with so much as a vagina would consider not exercising that right. If you're thinking it's not a big deal to vote, ponder this: not too long ago, you wouldn't have been allowed to, sister friend.

Whoever you are, regardless of gender, don't let your fear of voting blind stop you. It's so easy to garner information about candidates and their policies nowadays- just go online, get some info, crystallize what you want this government to do, make some notes, and go act like a goddamned American. Vote.

If you like, you can even go to this handy guide and learn who in your area isn't an anti-choice dipshit. I know I certainly did.

The Break Up Show: Tonight!

THE BREAK UP SHOW, hosted by Kimmy Gatewood and co-produced by Brandy Barber, is sure to help you make it through even the most horrific dumping. Kimmy and her friends will share cringe-inducing, horrible and hysterical stories about breaking up. Come out and laugh through those tears. And for chrissakes, take off those sweatpants you've had on since he bailed on you. THE BREAK UP SHOW Tuesday November 7th 8 PM - $5 The P.I.T. 154 W. 29th b/t 6th & 7th Avenues with SETH HERZOG (VH1) MATT AND TRACIE HIGGINS (REAL LIFE HUSBAND AND WIFE) ALEX ZALBEN (ELEPHANT LARRY) SKYLER SULLIVAN (MIME. NO, REALLY.) KRISTER JOHNSON (GOD'S POTTERY) and featuring your lovely host, KIMMY GATEWOOD! The Break Up Show is produced by KIMMY GATEWOOD and BRANDY BARBER.

Here's some you may need in case of break up emergencies:

Party! Pizza Party!

My brother and I bought The Land Before Time after eating at Pizza Hut, back when they had VHS tape types of promos at fast food chains. The commercial that was included on said special edition tape made us howl with delight, ESPECIALLY the rocking theme song. This kind soul recorded the commerical (and for some odd reason, the first few minutes of the actual movie itself- no need to watch those). I command you to view this clip immediately. Do yourself a favor- TURN. IT. UP. [Ed. note- Porter finds the sexualization of children to be especially upsetting. I concur.]

Not to be deterred by this cornball escapade, Porter then tried to locate the commerical
for the 80's board game, PIZZA PARTY on YouTube. Apparently, it contained an incredibly annoying jingle that went along the lines of "PARTY! PIZZA PARTY!" No such luck, but we DID find a photo.











Lastly, enjoy this gem, which Porter & I discovered during our web scavengings. I'd say if you accept this date, make sure to wear simple knit garments, as that'll be easier for him to slice off of you when the murdering doth commence.

LOOKING TO HAVE A PIZZA PARTY WITH A PETITE FEMALE - 27

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Reply to: pers-228446894@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-10-31, 7:56PM EST


I have a new homemade pasta sauce recipe and a dough recipe. I just don't want to make all that pizza for just me. I am a am a cook so i promise it won't be nasty. I mostly cook Italian food this is just a new recipe i havent tried yet.


I am a 27/m 5'9 170 short hair. Besides loving to cook i love to do most anything outside. I like to go out to new resturants and try diffrent kinds of food. I love to travel. I love country music.

Maybe we could meet for coffee and make sure we both aren't weirdo's and then if their is atraction we can have dinner together.

I wanted a junction, and often, there was one.

I have become excited! And do you want to know why?!? Because I have fallen in love with a new band as of today. This is always done on my part with great passion and delight and I have to rush out and tell everyone all about the new band and then make the new band an intergral part of my day to day life. Kind of like dating, except the new band hopefully won't turn out to be a drunk who has a girlfriend in another city that comes to light only after you've "dumped" him- TWICE! Nor will the new band announce with certainity, "I don't care for bread" in front of all your friends, such that they mock you with a glee that indicates this idiotic turn of phrase is certain to be chiseled onto your tombstone! And the new band will never, EVER tell a lame-ass joke about Tarzan "swinging both ways" to your Dad and brother while he's waiting to pick you up for a dinner that YOU end up paying for because he's a bit low on cash when the bill gets dropped off! The New Band, you're the dreamiest!



Here, then, is the new band. They are called The Blow. And the song that has broken my bitter, brittle little heart is called True Affection. You can download it for free at iTunes- it's the single of the week right now. I say go out and get the album, because it's all so lovely and fun and enticing and fresh.


And if my drool-saturated description isn't enough for you, read this excerpt from the fantastic review of The Blow's album Paper Television from Coke Machine Glow's Mark Abraham (worth reading the whole thing, very well written):


Lily Allen’s cute blog pop might have been neat for about five seconds, Regina Spektor might be trying to reinvent herself as a Tori Amos for the khaki set, Justin Timberlake might have dumbed down his squeaky-clean pop to a squeaky-clean message wrapped in boring retreads, the Junior Boys might put all the right pieces in all the right places, Kelis might still be bossy, a Nelly Furtado single might be spinning somewhere right this second, but fuck ‘em all -- this is my pop album of the year. And I might as well give fair warning, because, like with Taiga, Paper Televsion is the kind of album that forces me to take the hyperbulle by the horns. Let’s examine why:

Mark likes post-punk +
Mark likes house and techno +
Mark likes glitchy experimental music +
Mark likes well-developed and executed politics +
Mark likes an album with more than three or four (or two) good songs =
Mark likes whatever the hell it is the Blow is cross-hatching together with the finest nub size available.

Consider: how often do you actually get to hear something that rocks a punk aesthetic with a Prince attitude on a bedroom budget? And then, on top of that, delivers a coherent and specific political message without being polemical? Khaela Maricich and new bandmate and electronics wizard Jona Bechtolt won’t receive any plaudits for “ornate” orchestration, but the tracks here are still busier than Beyoncé’s bedroom hysterics and do something individually and collectively that I haven’t heard pop dance tracks do with conviction in a while (sorry, “Maneater”): say it with some fucking grit.

The Kissing Booth is BACK- This Saturday Nite!

The Kissing Booth presents: Baby Love!

November 4th, 2006
9:30 pm - $5 smackers
Doors open at 9 pm

The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street at Union Square East- BASEMENT LEVEL of the DR2 Theater

$3 Miller Lights! $4 Well Shots! Full Bar For You Fancy Types!

Dance Party Begins Right When The Show Ends!

In this month's show, Brandy has a baby...but where, Sara wants to know, did it come from? Come find out and watch some dynamite comedy from:

with:

BROOKE VAN POPPELEN

ROBIN GELFENBIEN

BARON VAUGHN

LAURA MANNINO

JESSE POPP

CAROLYN CASTIGLIA

JAY BOIS

and a guest appearance from BECKY YAMAMOTO!

PLUS some other nonsense from your hosts, Brandy & Sara, what promises to be the most crazed dance party to date, super paparazzi pals Anya Garrett & Brian Van, lots of yummy candy,and Hi-Jinx Galore!

My heart is so full of love, I could just BURST.

My love and congrats to Gregory & Angela Tetaud.