Cherry.

Come out and see my pal Lianne Stokes in her re-worked, re-vamped one woman show, all about losing her virginity so late she made someone say: "Wow, you're still a virgin? I was 23, and I'm Mormon."

I've been helping out here and there with this so it's a project near and dear to me. Should be awesome fun!

CHERRY
Weds. Aug. 1st @ 7:00 PM $5
Mo Pitkin's, 34 Ave A b/t/2nd & 3rd Streets

Come and check this shit out!

I'll be struttin' my crazy-assed stuff at my gal pal Livia's show this Friday night. Come check the technique!


~ You are cordially invited to attend ~
Livia's Castle of Enchantment

"A high-octane variety show that leaves you wanting more... if you can't make it you'll be cursed."
-The Comedy Central Insider

FRIDAY AUGUST 3rd

7:30PM
Mo'Pitkins House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A & 3rd St.
$5

With Stand up from
TOM SHILLUE
(Comedy Central Presents)

Improv Wizardy from
I EAT PANDAS
(The lovely and fearless Eliza Skinner & Glennis McMurray "Go see them before they decide it's too much work." -Time Out NY)

A Short Lecture from The Onion's
TODD HANSON

A Video from
DIRTY JEANS & THUNDER CHIEF
("Really fking cool, seriously." -WhatsCool.com)

Musical Guest
WENDY HO
(Internet Sensation "Bitch, I Stole Your Purse")

With special guest appearances by
MATT McCARTHY
and...
SARA BENINCASA, BRANDY BARBER & KATINA CORRAO
as THE LIZ CLAIBORNE DANCERS

Hosted by me Livia as LIZ CLAIBORNE

Here are some fun photos from the last show hosted taken by the comely Marianne Ways:

Anya Garrett Becky Poole Jenny Rubin

Carla Rhodes

Trophy Dad Anya & Moi Reggie Watts

Once again, I'd like to thank all of my guests and friends who came out, especially Jake Fliesher and Kera, Seth's Mom!!!

HEIDI'S SECRETS!

From a recent issue of OK! Magazine:

...Heidi Klum, 34, tells the mag her secret to multi-tasking. "You have to be open, take it day by day, then see if it works, if it fits your lifestyle and what you believe in at the moment," says the supermodel.

Seriously, does anyone know what the FUCK she's talking about?! What in the name of good gravy does that mind-bogglingly vapid statement have to do at all with multi-tasking? Unless by multi-tasking you mean it helps me dream up all sorts of ways for me to want to punch your damned teeth in, Heidi. Jesus!

This photo shows our gal Heidi multi-tasking her incredibly lucrative pussy, which from what I can gather, the woman is a pro at. Listen, Fraulein Klum, let's just keep flashing the ta-tas, which you can do mutely, and keep the old yapper shut. No one wants to hear anymore of your pseudo-German gibberish. Show us your oiled-up buttocks some more and turn down the volume- no multi-tasking required there.

BROOKLYN FRIENDSHIPS (TM) B-DAY CLIP.

You're A Fine Girl. from Brandy and Vimeo.

An Embarassment of Bitches.

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want. - Clive Barnes

Someone I made the mistake of "doing it" with for a brief period of time said to me that Ricky Gervais was in effect, doing people a disservice by not making more episodes of The Office (UK). Which to me was as bad as pulling the cane out from under a little old lady and then beating her to death with it. Gervais- and his co-writer and c0-director Stephen Merchant, who this person did not even factor into that statement thereby showing his lack of knowledge upfront- chose to produce a limited product because they wanted to create something that left us wanting more, as life often does. The fact that, overseas, a series is 6 episodes a season, was to this person some sort of let down. He said Gervais owed it to his fans to continue the series and was wrong not to go past the 12 episodes and the final movie-length special. He then said Gervais could have made a lot more money had he done at least 20 episodes. He boasted and bragged about how this series should have been done to make him happy, versus appreciating what was there and what the artists themselves had put out. It was beyond ignorant and it made me very, very sad.

I wanted to throw up in my mouth, punch him, and run. Instead, I nodded while his mouth moved to further enunciate his continued braying, while in my head I hummed the theme song to "227" just long enough to get him to shut up and take off his pants. After all he did serve one purpose. But I digress.

The above italicized statement, culled from a Quote of the Day RSS feed (gross) sums this whole embarrassing experience up perfectly. Art is not created to please you all the time. It's created to express something that the artist wanted to share, a vision. If you get it, great. If you don't, why criticize it and try to amend it to your taste? I don't understand when critical thinking gave way to bastardization and flat out ignorance, where we comment on a performance as if it's anew product we've not been enticed to buy. But I for one am sick of this...and I need to date smarter men.

Upstate.

Late night grilling & chilling in the "backyard" I.E., the fucking entire woods. I love being up here, especially when I'm in the middle of discussing student progress and it's broken up by a feral cat fight that practically sends us all cowering into our townhouses.

Anthony prepped dry-rubbed ribs and grilled peaches with balsamic vinegar, and Lindsay made hand-stirred Nutella & chocolate chip milkshakes. My dearest Drew & I were thrilled (obviously).



And here's some shots from one of the many apprentice company productions staged here in the summer. This one was an episodic piece based on the courting letters of Lindsay's grandparents, and it was amazing. The students are always an inspiration to me, and to the whole staff.

And then I came home to my townhouse today and realized one of our delightful skunk friends had sprayed in the near vicinity. What a delight!

Birthday Brou Ha Ha!

Snaps from the recent BROOKLYN FRIENDSHIPS (TM) Birthday Jam at Trout, and from my adventures getting a sore shoulder playing Wii and, it appears, murdering the beloved pet of a handsome gentleman caller. Buzzkill!

Thanks to all my birthday pals, those pictured and those under the safe wings of the CIA's Witness Protection Program who were unable to be documented. Peace out.

Saturday Night Sobriety.

I do so love Wiki-How. In fact, I have it on my homepage so I can see the daily update "best of" selection. Today's was a doozy, as always. It was no "How To Duplicate A Mallard Mating Call" or your average "How To Be Humble" tat. No siree Bob, today's was a tribute to summer lovin' at its best. I was so inspired by this groundbreaking post that I decided to use my god-given right to type and join in the Wiki community. My additions to this fine list are noted in red. To all you young lovers out there, I say unto thee- rejoice! And remember, how do you tell a guy is lying? When he opens his mouth. Ta ta for now!

How to Know if a Guy Likes You (with some help from Ms. Brandy Barber!!!)

Probably the best way to know if a guy likes you is to simply ask him, but we all know that can be a challenge. So, here are a few clues to working out if he likes you as much as you like him.

Steps

1. Examine his body language. If he likes you, you will see that his body position will lean forward toward you. Also, he will have a raging hard on in his pants.
   
2. Be aware of touching. He might put his hand on your arm when he laughs, or not move his leg if it happens to touch yours, or put his hard on from his pants on your leg. This is a very good sign that he likes you.
3. Keep an eye out. His pupils will dilate (get bigger) if he likes you, but this is quite hard to pick up on, and you might look a bit weird looking that closely into his eyes. Also, his weiner will fill with blood, causing a super-charged hard on in his pants.
   
4. Joke freely. Does he laugh, even if you aren't funny, you cheap, tawdry little whore?
   
5. Check for signs of nervousness: nervous laughter, sweaty palms, fidgeting, etc. Unless he's scared of public speaking and is about to make a presentation, it just might be that he's nervous about making an impression on someone he fancies (hopefully you).
6. Smile. A big smile in return probably means the feeling is mutual. Also, a gi-normous bulging hard on in his pants.
   
7. Notice the way he treats you, does he playfully tease you, or call you names, just to try and get your attention? It's natural for a guy to tease when he likes a girl, but remember, someone can still tease someone, even if they aren't attracted to them.
8. Pay attention to his friends. If they know he's interested in you, they might tease him subtly when you're around, hint to you that he likes you, or even try to find out if you like him. Also study their reactions to your presence. Do they smile? Do they turn to him? If so, then there's a good chance he really does like you. Also if you call his name... note if his head snaps around right away or does it turn gradually? And what of his ample hard on, which is in his pants?
   
9. If the guy wants to talk to you all the time there is a good chance that he will like you!!!!
10. If he starts acting nicer when you're around him then he probably has a thing for you. And that thing is a hard on in his pants.
    

Better than before.

Snaps from my bike trip to the Farmer's Market, the path to my house up here at Vassar, a deer I passed on my way to teach class, and a very clever use of a Dr. Pepper box as a menu holder at a Poughkeepsie eatery.

I Miss You. I'm Goin' Back Home The West Coast.

This song just makes me cry. Jason Schwartzman is so fucking awesome. The video is cool because, who doesn't love to watch hot skaters cause European mischief? Not this lady, that's for sure. But for some reason it's kind of sad, too. I can't just slobber at the Gonz as I would normally be wont to do. It's all infused with a gray melancholy. Kind of like this particular July day, when it rained from early morning till night and I sat in my cabin, trying to decide if the last 8 years of my life are just a colossal waste, if all the (few) times I said back to someone "I love you" I was lying after all, if I even really exist or if I'm some sort of gauzy whiny boring shadow that just lurks in the corners of everyone else's peripheral vision.

Maybe I should just ride my bike over to the laundry kiosk and get a can of Dr. Pepper. Oh and also SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anyway.

Listen to Coconut Records' West Coast.


Thanks to Searsy who turned me onto this album a while back.

Best Thing. Ever.

It takes so little to make me happy. Really. Love this. Enjoy FALCORRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A Letter From Emily, In Rwanda.

After returning to teach with us again this summer upstate, my good friend an co-worker, Emily, has gone to Africa. This travel is part of a study project her graduate school, CalArts, has out together. The students involved are meeting with survivors of genoicide and hearing their stories. Here is a letter I got from Em, describing what her trip-and her experiences with this horrifying tragedy- have been like so far.

Hello all,

I am in Rwanda. My hotel sits on a hill with a dirt road almost too narrow for the bus we use to treck around the city and outskirts. I wake up every morning to the sounds of contruction. A center for ceremonies with thatched rooves. Houses made of cement bricks and with these thin patterned windows above the glass windows. These will eventually have screens but now they look like purposeless and beautiful holes in the wall. One house is for a business man. One house is for a policeman. One is for a military officer. There has been a lot of new construction since the genocide. Nice gaited communities that you could rent for 2,000 to 4000 US dollars a month- maybe 200 to 500 times the cost of rent for the shacks that most of Rwandan families occupy. The refugees returning post-genocide that had the money to get started in the inport/export business have done very well, but for the most part the country is still struggling to get back on its feet.

And what a struggle. I cannot imagine. Went to a genocide memorial site today. Entered a chuch once piled high to the ceiling with bodies. A mass grave covered with red bricks and dead flowers wrapped in plastic with maybe 6,000 bodies. Listened to the accounts of the events at the space from two of the five survivors. 5 out of 6000. The militia would come in, kill people, take a lunch break, kill people. Go home to go sleep. Come back the next morning. Kill more people. For three days. During the genocide, killing people was called going to work. Is it so easy to place a sense of obligation ahead of one's own connection to one's humanity? Do I get to choose what work I do in my brief time on this planet?

The two survivors were men well dressed with tired, tired eyes. One woman asked them what they do after telling their stories. The man replied that they often cannot get out of their bed for weeks. It costs something to speak. And yet they do. And yet many people do. I don't understand where the will comes from. People are fighting with their very selves here for things that would be dismissed as idealism in America- consciousness of the dangers of divisive politics, a unified nation engaged in dialogue about its future. It doesn't seem impossible in people's hearts here. And it comes at unimaginable costs when you realize a unified Rwanda is made up of victims and their killers. A million killers and almost a million victims. And yet, some people somehow have the faith to imagine a different way of being together. Where does that faith come from?

These days break over me like waves and depart leaving a slowly diminishing dull roar and a pull towards something greater than myself. Meanwhile, new friends. Small and sweet bananas. Venus and an almost new moon dangling over city lights on the hills. Seven hills. Cold showers. Occassional sounds of roosters. Dancing. Fanta. An orange sunset and an orange sunrise. A new day.

I love you all and hope you are well. Take care.

Emily

You can help here.

2 Blessed 2 B 2 Stressed!

And I truly am blessed...I mean, look at this fine slideshow my pal Sara Jo made with help from Searsy for my birthday party show this past weekend!



Also, someone is gonna get his/her ass removed.

Sincerely, I had a GREAT time! Thanks to all who came. Here's a stunning recap for people who were too lame to go, I.E. various exes and haters and my Mom. THANKS A LOT, KATHY!!!!!! (muffled sobbing)

Thumbs Up...

But, I! But, you!, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

...my vag. Eek!

GET MORTIFIED!

Dear Angsty People of New York,

- Did you write lame-ass love letters as a kid?

- Did you write angsty lyrics as a teenager?

- Did you spend high school writing melodramatic journals?

So did the people behind Mortified. And they want
you to join them. Yep, Mortified is actively looking
for new readers to join the fun as we open a chapter in your city
. If you or someone you know would like to read aloud utterly embarrassing
childhood relics in front of total strangers... we'd LOVE to meet
with you and hear your material. Open to all.

WHAT: MORTIFIED CASTING - NYC AREA

WHEN: JULY 21st, 2007

SUBMIT: http://www.getmortified.com/casting

-------------

WHAT IS MORTIFIED:

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek
and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today
Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily
Candy and more... Mortified is a comic
excavation of adolescent artifacts. With chapters in NYC, LA, San
Fran and beyond, the project collects childhood creations (lettters,
lyrics, journals and beyond) and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical
tales. Behold, There are amazing stories buried in the pages of people's
lives... our mission is to simply help find them.

WHAT DO I SUBMIT?

All material must be written between the ages of 6-21 and by all means,
totally totally suck. We look for stuff that is real, written by you,
and reveals something unique about yourself. Topics can range from
the sweet (crushes) to the dark (depression)... just as long as they
make people laugh. And no, you do not have to be an actor of any kind.
Open to all types. To watch sample
clips or find info, visit at http://www.getmortified.com.

MATERIAL WORTH SHARING:

- Diaries / Journals

- Notebooks

- Poems

- Lyrics (tormented ballads, anthems, metal, raps...)

- Letters (love letters, camp letters, etc.)

- Locker Notes

- School Assignments

- Plays / Scripts (the more pretentious the better)

- Fiction

- Etc.

ANY QUESTIONS?

Great! We love hearing them. Visit http://www.getmortified.com/casting
to read our casting FAQ or even better, to request a screening session.
We are always looking for new material.

Share the shame.

http://www.getmortified.com

BUT, I! BUT, YOU!

Nothing more to say about this. Uh-uh. Nope.

A Car This Fine Don't Pass Your Way Every Day.