I think I'm moving home.

Seriously. I think I'm going to move back to California this fall.

I fucking hate LA.

People there get the opportuinty to take a writing class with Scott Auckerman, who I have both a talent & humping crush on. I suppose it would just be another opportunity for me to make a fool out of myself by slobbering on him much like I did to my former teacher Kevin Allison, when I offered to have he & his boyfriend's baby. I wish I was kidding. Sadly a lot of thought went into it on my part and I thought it was kind of cute to say it outloud. Then I had another drink or six.

This made me feel strange.

Animal cruelty? It seems the answer is yes.

Grandpa wins by a mile!

You tell me. Because I don't know.

BEAT IT!

Nigel just wants to be left alone.

"If you'll excuse me I'm going to take an all night drunk, and then I'm going to go find the shark that killed my best friend."

I think this was the line Bill Murray said. It was a long movie. But it made me laugh.

I watched Closer and there was a lot of sobbing. I would like to say to anyone who went through a recent breakup, especially if there was infidelity, you may want to avoid viewing it. I also was beyond turned on by Clive Owens, who I have had dreams of being ravaged by since Croupier. He is such a beast. I fantasized that Clive Ownes was saying to me (instead of lucky, tiny Natalie Portman), "You're going to take all your gear off right now, and you're going to turn around very slowly, and you're gonna bend over, and you're gonna touch the fucking floor for my viewing pleasure". This fantasy proved to be a better feeling than when you get the biggest slice of birthday cake, with the rose and all. Seriously, there's a scene between them (in a champagne room, no less) that summed up more than a few of my past relationships, and I suppose this similarity should have made me sad. Instead it made me wish I was still getting laid by some of those gorgeous, deranged hot losers of yore. When I moved to New York, I started seeing smarter boys, and the sex has suffered greatly. I no longer feel the need to make excuses for liking men that are bigger than me, taller and/or stockier. If I can hold my own in a street fight, than so should you be able to. It would be great if you also could discuss Heaven 17 and/or Tom Perotta novels, too. I find it attractive.

When I started looking for intellectual compatibility over the strictly physical, I expected that sex would be the least of my issues. Good plan, re-re.

So anyway...Clive Owens. Please do it with me.

Thai Sesame on Smith.

I just discovered this new feature on Blogger and became excited. What a nerd.

Have That Removed.

skeered
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

I still have a crush on John Laraoquette. Who can resist the pervy diligence of Dan from "Night Court"? Not me.

Here is something I would like taken care of immediately. I no longer wish to turn on the television and see any fucking commercials featuring computer generated animation utilized to make animals speak. Case in point: a stupid talking dog that may or may not disclose the family recipe for baked beans. I wanted to take my own life when I was forced to watch it. It's not funny, or cute. Let's not even get started on the toilet-paper hawking bears in the forest that prance out from behind trees where branches have been magically rigged to accomodate toilet-paper rolls. Does a bear shit in the woods? Apparently the answer is yes when he uses Kleenex Cotenelle to wipe his hairy ass. It makes me not want to buy your stupid products. Fuck what Middle America falls for, I'm not having it. No more anthropomorphic (sp?) sales-animals for Brandy. Can someone get on this? Jesus what do I pay you people for?!

I just watched Annie on AMC, and I was surprised how much of it I remembered. Of course, I watched it constantly when it would air in HBO- my schedule was made around these repeats that year- and had the cassette of the movie soundtrack, which I must have played until the tape gave out. I sang along absentmindedly while Nigel sat by me, putting up with my tone-deaf yowling. And of course I cried constantly. My uterus is an enemy these days, sending out hormones that fell my attempts at being a truly sarcastic bitch and making me weep at the most corny, treacly crap. In then end I was forced to use none other than Kleenex brand facial tissues, to my chagrin.

Now I'm going to watch It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I love Jonathan Winters.

dont look back

Friends & Lovers
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Meet Pee-Wee & Claude in person. At the last, that's right, THE LAST in our month-long run of sketch show at The PIT this Saturday night.

People, what more could you want?! There will be free Malibu & Pineapple jello shots. There will be me partially nude. There will be Sara in a dirty pink sweatsuit that says "Sweety Cherry" or some such nonsense. And, of course, these two boys who are pictured in the bed.

It's going to be tons of BYOB fun, and the party after will go on until at least 5 am. Don't be lame. Come out and be part of it.

CALENDARIZE!
written & performed by Sara Allocco & Brandy Barber
directed by Kevin Allison
featuring Matthew Weiss

Saturday June 25th @ 11 pm - $8
Show info & tickets here.

We suggest you pre-buy your tickets. Hell, we suggest you just buy them, moneybags. And bring all your cute single, 6' and up, dark-haired guy friends. Especially if they wear glasses.

Don't Walk Away.

Don't Walk Away.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

We all have dreams and goals. Mine? To be in an animation sequence like the one Don Bluth did in "Xanadu". God I loved that. What am I talking about? I STILL love it. Perhaps myy love of sheer things and frilly lingerie was born of this fascination. Yes that's right boys. I may dress like a lesbian PE Teacher 67% of the time, in jeans, flip flops and a Paul Frank T-shirt. But underneath the clothes, it's pure brothel action.

Jesus. I need help.

Ritualistic.

Ritualistic.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

I got nothing right now. But I sure do like this picture.

Dumb Things I Do, Part One Trillion.

Take Two
Originally uploaded by saraisloco.

I don't get excited when I see people I know/am vaguely aquainted with on TV anymore. It's sort of a given based on the way things work in New York right now that I can't put on some basic cable channel without recognizing the talking head making a fey swipe at Lindsay Lohan's CG knocker-dimisnishing in the oh, so timely "Herbie" re-make. But last night, as I sat on the couch inhaling the last box of Samoas from the freezer, I flipped the channel to see none other than my dearest Matthew! And I got so excited, seriosuly, like a wiggling squeaking puppy. SO I had to call him and tell him, "You're on the TV!!!!" and he laughed and said that that must get re-run a lot. It's not like I didn't see him the first time the show was on- I did- but still, I got all aflutter. He's a good person. He said my deranged behavior (my words not his) was his residual.

So if you're looking for a video editor extordiannaiore who happens to be a kick ass actor to boot, look no further than Matthew Weiss, handsome token male co-star of "CALENDARIZE!". And, to me at least, a bona fide celebrity.

Here's To Good Friends, Tonight Is Kinda Special...

Post Show.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Here's to friends who are adorable, and come out and see your shows when they are able.

One such friend is Quinton, who is shown here with me after an abysmal class show we were in together at the awful but conveniently located Triple Crown. Quinton, as promised, came out and caught the show last night, and provided lots of guffaws and claps. There is no substitute for your friends being there in the audience for you.

Now not only did Quinton come out to the show, but he brought 2 drunk people he met at a bar along. My hat is off the Quinton Loder, folks.

He is but one of many, and they all deserve to be lauded for their support of Sara & I. On a special note, as he is also a performer, it means that much more because I have paid to see him onstage in the recent past, and his returning the favor is honor among thieves. It amazes me how often this seems to escape other people, but I guess I was just raised with what the French call "manners".

I have to say, I love all of you who've come out or helped us in ANY way with this project. You're helping me to do what it is I've always wanted to, and making me the happiest I've ever been. My sincere love to you. Porter & Oliver, for coming to see the show again, all our film crew and cast, all our design helpers, Matt for being in the show and editing the significant amounts of footage like a pro, and Anne for putting up with us and pushing the switches up and down.

Side note: no, I am NOT still drunk off of my own 100% proof jello shots. Jerk.

PS: April, I hope Emma is OK! We missed you!

V.I.P.

V.I.P.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

CELEBRITY SWAG S.O.S.! A hyperventillating Hollywood publicist yesterday E-mailed this plea to luxury-goods purveyors: "Lindsay Lohan will be having a private birthday celebration in Hollywood this upcoming weekend. [We] will be responsible for getting the latest and greatest products for her 100 VIP guests. We hope to receive all donations by Friday, June 17th. If you DO NOT have enough products for the entire party, please let us know and we would appreciate anything at this short notice! Also, if you would like us to put anything 'special' in Lindsay's gift bag [that is, allowed by state and federal law] we can arrange that as well. Thank you for very much and we apologize for the late notice!" No, no. Thank you for very much!

I'd better get to work if I'm going to produce 100 turds in time!

Addendum to prior entry:

"Sire, please!"
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Here we are in action, attempting to prevent a blow job while our cab driver helps us by pulling up flush to the other cab.

Also please note that Sara has a blue tu tu in her bag.

Queen of all the dorks she surveys. Queen Dork.

Diney & Driver.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

This was a very nice cab driver. When Sara & I espied a blow job happening in the back of a cab, there had to be screaming and ruining of it. And he was kind enough to help us out by pullin gup to the cab where things were "taking place". While Sara and I screamed such angry things as "You'll get AIDS!" and "That's his home for the next 8 hours!", our driver comiserated with the driver of the blow job cab.

We liked him so much, we let him hold Diney.

Bandwagonesque.

Bandwagonesque.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Teenage Fanclub is playing a show on my birthday. I cannot wait to go and see them live, finally. I've wanted to since 1991. I think this is the year.

Dusk.

Crouching Loser, Hidden Beercan.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Even if I was rich, I'd still sneak in booze and drink it, especially when they want to charge $6 for a crap beer.

There's just something amazing about crouching under the bar, drinking from a can of beer you have hidden in your bag of costumes. Amzingly trashy. And I like it.

What the hey now?!

Oops!
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

This picture exemplifies the mystery and magic you'll find in my & Sara's debut sketch show, which you only have 2 more chances to catch!

The last show is almost sold out, and the one this weekend may be soon, so we strongly suggest you buy your tickets online by clicking here.

CALENDARIZE!
June 18 & 25, 2005 @ 11PM $8
free jello shots
The PIT 154 W. 29th Street @ 7th Ave.
www.thepit-nyc.com

Level 42 was an awesome band.

Level 1 (not, as you might suppose, Level 42).
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Sara & Kevin (and, not pictured, our friend Drew) had their Level 1 Class Show this weekend at UCB. It made me laugh, but mostly it made me realize how much I hate hate hate improv.

Diney!

The Princess & Diney.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

This weekend was a great one. A bit more relaxed than last, which was stressful to say the least.

The show went swimmingly Saturday night, and I was thrilled. It's been great to get the chance to tweak it and change things- I was so used to improv where it's a one-off and that's it. This is much more satisfying to me.

Diney is my & Sara's new friend who we are glad to say has come into our lives to stay after a chance meeting at a Chelsea bar which used to be, according to our super cool friend Oliver, a heroin speakeasy in the 80's & early 90s. Oh, the things Diney has seen!

At this same bar, there were 2 other dinosaur figurines along with the aforementioned triceratops Diney- a brontosaurus and a T Rex. I named them all off to the group we were sitting with, and they all smiled kindly at me, like you would to a hyperactive 5 year olkd boy with red Kool Aid stains around his mouth, who keeps grabbing at his crotch whilst yammering about He-Man, Skeletor and Battlecat. It was then that I realized what a total dork I am and that I will be single for the rest of my life. At least I have a fucking tiara.

Library Bar, Part 1.

Library Bar, Part 1.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

This what you do to Anne when you don't come see the show on Saturday that she was kind enough to do tech on.

I hope you're happy with yourself. Jerk.

Brandy & Sara in...CALENDARIZE!
(with Anne in the booth)
directed by Kevin Allison
featuring Matthew L. Weiss
Saturdays at 11, June 11, 18, & 25
at the PIT
29th & &th Ave. - $8 plus secret booze
Tix: www.thepit-nyc.com

(Make sure and get them early...we will sell out)

Step Off, I'm Doin' The Hump.

I could not agree with Sara more on this one. I will point at you and laugh on the L train. And then I'll cunt punch your dumb ass.

Imitation Weed Killer.

Too Hot To Handle, Too Cold to Hold.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

...from the best in bitchery, POPBITCH UK:

>> Celeb TV update <<
What is below the bottom of the barrel?

The disease of celeb-reality TV is mutating
into ever more toxic strains. Here are some
of the latest:

1. Being Bobby Brown, starts end June:
The couple's drugged-up ghetto lifestyle in
full glare. One episode has Bobby describing
how he helped his wife with her constipation,
by inserting his fingers to massage it out.
Whitney says, "When I told my girlfriends
about it, they said 'That's real love, baby.
That's real black love.'" Bobby then holds up
four fingers and wiggles them in front of
the camera.
Preview:
http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2005/Jun/08/
exclusive_on_the_brown_low.wow

Sir Elton.

Sir Elton.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Matthew is neat and he edits things and stuff. Lookit.

Ricky & Lucy.

John
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Get a load of him.

There's no crying in baseball.

G.L.O.W.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

I am so exhausted still from Saturday's show. Don't have anything to write about right now, sorry. Oh, I guess I could write about John and I. Maybe I could write about how many pigs in a blanket I ate yesterday while watching the "Zoo Animals on Wheels" episode of Get A Life? Or about how 4 hours prior to the show Sara found a pubic hair in her taco at Taco Bell on 14th and managed not to vomit, but instead powered through after getting her money back? Or about the hastily enacted "No Crying/No Vomiting" pact we forged (which was then broken when Anne & Sara started crying simueltaneously at the afore-mentioned Taco Bell)? Of course, I'd be lax to not mention my bursting into tears at the ruined tech rehersal earlier that afternoon at the PIT; this was caused by exhaustion and by having a cat vomit on me.

I guess there is stuff to write about. Maybe later, now to eat leftover pigs in blankets a-plenty.

"My Jam Box Is Broken!"- Birch Harms

Radio Dreams
Originally uploaded by Victory of the People.

I started to get sick to my stomach yesterday over the show. Like, that fluttery nasuea I get before I go on a date with a boy, or before an audition. It keeps coming back in waves, like being on drugs. I got home last night after leaving the house at 8 am in the morning and should have been exhausted. Sara and I filmed the last segment we needed and sent the tape to Matthew's capable hands via Ms. Lady Anne. But instead of crashing once my head hit my beloved soft mattress, I stared at the ceiling worrying all night about show specifics I could do not a thing about at 2 am, getting excited about the pre-show music, and running over my lines. I was generally being a twerp. I can't help it. I feel like I'm super-charged with some sort of electricity.

I can't believe it, this euphoria* is so all-encompassing. How do professional writers & comedians do this all the time and not crack up? How can regular people not want to do this every day, and instead have desk jobs? Dude, where's my car?



*This is the same name of a song by David Garza who, if you don't listen to, then you goddamn should.

BV3K.

BV3K.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

What the hell am I doing, drinking in LA at 26?

In 1999, my friend Joey was obsessed with Bran Van 3000, to the degree that other people fetishize Bob Dylan or Kraftwerk. It made not a lot of sense to me, as at the time they had only the album that the above lyric is from out with a second one pending. But Joey is magical that way. It makes sense to him, and he could care less what the fuck you have to say from a criticism point of view. I give him this- it is a fucking good album. Plus, they were Grand Royal musicians, and that to me is always a mark of good things. Grand Royal was our Apple, I always thought. Maybe that sounds lame and self-important. Fuck you, then. I suggest you go download the single Cars song you've heard in that TV commercial and talk about how much you love the whole 80's sound, douche nozzle.

Rob Webber always calls me Bran Van, and it always makes me smile when he does.

I was walking with Ben a few weeks ago, bitching about my recent dating woes to him and soliciting his wise ex-boyfriend advice, while wishing we could both get over whatever problems we had with one another and get back together, knowing how silly and futile it was but still stubbornly, subconsciously entertaining the thought. We were walking in DUMBO and went out on the pier, and I leaned over the railings towards the water with the intent of being a smartass, to make him laugh and to make him scold me. That's when I saw this sticker. I had to rotate the picture- it was upsdie down, facing Manhattan. It's been there for a while I imagine, since this album graphic has been in use since I lived in San Francisco in 1998. I was really intrigued- I gushed about it to Ben. He told me to get down and stop being a goofball.