Anne Coulter Says The Darndest Things!

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren’t punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That’s war. And this is war."9/13/01

Remember when I said I didn't drink anymore?

Holland1995
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

Me, too. That was dumb to say that out loud so that others would hear me and then try to hold me to it.

Last night, I was determined to push myself to make conversation instead of clamming up like I normally do when I'm meeting people I don't really know. I feel like I come off as aloof and I hate that because I genuinely like people and like to meet them, but I get sort of shy in those types of situations. I was introduced to a guy by a very funny mutual friend, and both of us were sort of standing there saying nothing. And so, instead of being a jerk and making him make conversation I decided I would take a stab at it. So I asked how he knew the mutual friend. He said something banal, I replied pleasantly. He then said the space we were standing in was leading to us being jostled, and I agreed. And then he sort of stared into space. And I thought, "Ok well at least I tried to be friendly to a new person I met" as I made my way elsewhere. I was introduced to several other people, who were all very receptive and I was happy about how much I was interacting- no more akward, retiring mousiness for me.

Later when just the mutual friend and I were leaning up against the jukebox talking, I made polite conversation by saying, "Your friend seems like a nice guy." And he asked if he could be honest with me and I said yes. And then he told me that his friend wasn't really into outgoing women, he liked more retiring ones. And that the friend felt I was too outgoing. I don't know what the hell that even means. Actually, I do. It's a half-assed way of saying "unattractive".

I wanted to write something bitter and smart-assy here, something mean and sort of droll about how no good deed goes unpunished (said punishment being that attmepts at courtesey are msitaken as come-ons to be met with repulsion). But for some reason, it really upset me and made me cry. So I can't be funny about it right now. Maybe in a year. Check with me then.

Edward James Olmos.

I had to go and have a bathroom stall nap during my lunch break. The result is that I am now bright eyed and bushy tailed, but have a huge red sweater print mark on my forehead from my impromptu "pillow", which I balled up and placed on the toilet paper dispenser for my snooze.

It had to be done, as I was so exhausted earlier I could barely lift my fingers to type. Now look at me! Look Ma, new sentences!

Too Tired.

I can't even be snarky, I am so tired I am having non-sensical giggling fits. I have one dollar. I must have coffee. Coffee costs more than a dollar. Something has got to fucking give here, people.

"You fucking dick face, I'll fucking kill you." - Sara Allocco

Sara is spending the night and we made dinner and are now making cupcakes for our class tomorrow night. So much fun!

After being insane last night, I realized my period was starting so that explains 87.9% of it. The rest is unfortunately hereditary.

I did one action thing: I bought my name as a domain that forwards to my existing website. So that makes me feel good. At least I did SOMETHING.

www.brandybarber.com

"And the winner is...GRANDPA!"- Sara, on the phone to Anne while I spy and type.

Always Imagine the Worst.

Pidgeons are on the windowsill, taunting Nigel to no end. He doesn't meow at them as much as sort of put forth a staccato mewl, all the while wiggling his whiskers. And he moves his head back and forth frantically, but only in very small concise motions...it's a sight to see. There are quite a few birds outside today, judging by their shadows which are projected on the wall directly to the right of my desk. He is going to be putting in some major bird watching time on his fleece lambskin perch today, I can feel it.

Today The Ghost was home while I was wandering around talking to myself. She usually isn't by this time on a Saturday so I assumed I could mumble freely. Oh well.

My adorable German co-worker shared a bag of Newman's Own microwave popcorn with me yesterday. When I told her I was going to pop it in the microwave, she was excited and wanted to see it as she hadn't before. She stood peering through the glass door of the microwave, hands crossed over her chest. She asked if we would hear the beg of popcorn make popping sounds, and I said yes, but it took about a minute for them to begin. The bag suddenly inflated, and lots of exploding noises began to issue forth. And then she said, simply, "It is brilliant", turned and walked back to her desk.

Brandy Has Upcoming Shows.

Brandy Likes When You Acknowledge Her Existence! Pay Her More Mind! Here's how:

People Party: A Night of Character Monologues
Directed by Seth Morris
March 1st, 8th, and 15th @ 11 pm, FREE!
UCB Theater, 307 W. 26th
To make reservations, please call 212.366.9176
This includes me and a lot of other very funny performers doing 5-6 minutes pieces we created. I utilize a visual aid.

Kevin Allison Sketch Revue (Working Title)
written by Sara Allocco, Brandy Barber, Heather Fink, Mike Stolp, Anne Woodward, and Oh, Henry!
Directed By Kevin Allison (The State)
March 12th @ 9:30 pm, $8
The P.I.T., 154 W. 29th
To make reservations, please call 212.563.7488
This is our end of class performance. Like a children's dance recital, but with fucking.

Mortified!
Wednesdays in May 2005
More Info TBA...
Sara will be in this too, because we are in love.

I Met This Girl, She Looked Like Axl Rose.

How the fuck did Ben Folds Five turn into frat rock? When did the reincarnation of Joe Jackson become a white hat's rape idol? Just asking, no particualr reason for doing so but it just popped into my head.

I just came home from seeing SPAMALOT! and I am in a word, pants-peed. Allow me clarify. It's a made up, hyphenated word, YES. But it was the most accurate. In American English: That show was fucking AWESOME. I want a bunny puppet.

I don't know where your beer went, Sara...

...maybe the kitten had something to do with it.

Best Valentine's Day, ever.

There is no such thing as a safe cigarette.

When I was about 9 or 10 my Dad told me that he had a surprise for me. "There's a pony for you in the backyard!", he said. I was overjoyed and ran back around the house to the yard. But no pony was to be found. I looked around very carefully (we had a big yard) and then gave up and went back into the house, very worried. I told my Dad my pony was not in the yard.

He looked at me and he was sort of surprised. He laughed, and then a bit apologetically said, "You believed that? It's April Fool's Day."

That story sums up my weekend. You know what? No. Scratch that. That story sums up the past year of my life.

Dance With Me, You Little Toad.

My Mom sent me a link to this site, which I haven't been to in a couple years. My friend Jessica Myles told me about it, I think she listed her two cats on it. I will have to put Nigel on for all to see.

Heathcliff, It's Me, I'm Cathy, I've Come Home, Let Me Into Your Window.

I had a small victory today. It was the first time I'd been cast in anything in a while as I have not been auditioning for stuff for ages. And I got a part! And even better so did Sara! It's an industrial where we help sell Glade air fresheners! Or IS it? Stay tuned.

Someone did a little bit of drunken naughtiness last eve, I'm afraid. But I heard from the TWOP Arrested Development boards that FOX reduced its episode order for AD from a standard 22 to 18. And I FREAKED OUT. The stupid people are not allowed to win this one, goddammit. NO. So I called Gail Berman, head of FOX, a wee bit tiddly and left a coherent but very passionate message. I did not include in the message that I would take any cancellation of the show personally and would go into her office and shoot myself in from of her if she allowed such a travesty. No, I figured that was better kept close to the vest as they say.

I am still going to do a mass email to ask people to write and call about the show. But I did note that on the site there's a pop up saying the show has not been cancelled and asking us to get more people to watch. So if you aren't watching, then please do. PLEASE. Don't let the fat husband/hot wife shitty sitcom terroroists win.

Also I got mad and yelled the the TV when they fired Austin Scarlett from Project Runway. I'd like to drop kick Heidi Klum and her Baba WaWa assed speech impediment to the curb for that one. So I drunkenly wrote Austin a fan letter and mailed it. I did not send panties (this time anyway) but I did say if I ever got to a place where I needed it I'd want him to design a gown for me. I'm sure he'll be absolutely horrified and the authorities will be contacted for fingerprinting purposes.

No more red wine for Brandy.

You should listen to "Hounds of Love" by Kate Bush today. Take your shoes off and THROW them in the lake!

I'm kinda proud of Nick, actually.

I mean do you blame him?! Having sex with a backwoods trash hick 'tard has to get exhausting eventually. As my friend Cathy opined, "I don't think she knows where babies come from, but she's almost figured it out."

________________________________
We've got his number

Nick Lachey, your nose, among other things apparently, is getting longer.

We hear Jessica Simpson's hubby denied bussing and giving his cell-phone number to a gorgeous blond and brunette at the ESPN magazine Super Bowl party in Jacksonville on Friday. Sorry, Nick - you picked the wrong girls to flirt with. The brunette was none other than our own Jo Piazza, the blond is her best friend, and we've got your cell-phone number, buddy. You wouldn't want us to print it to prove it, now, would you?

I like the sound of my own little voice.

It is odd when someone you know is impotent/has negative wiener is in a long term relationship or getting married. Because you wonder, how that woman can settle FOREVER? Not just temporarily. How is it that everyone is all about stupid "Sex and the City" but they are willing to accept such crappy humping?

No one is allowed to ask me about my past experiences, BTW. Just ruminating.

Streakdome '97

I think the Ghost (roommate) has a toddler in her room. I heard a kid's voice earlier and there have been lots of loud crashing noises. Either that or I really DO have a haunted house after all. Better then cockroaches I guess.

I went to return library books and came home with a bunch of stuff I didn't need. Nigel is under the couch ripping at the mink's tail which he chewed off of poor Harold long ago.

Dog the Bounty Hunter left me positively giddy with glee tonight.

NERVE GAS IS NOT A TOY

This is not what I expected to find when I searched for "Yours Truly, 2095":

"I sent a message to another time,
But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
I sent a message to another plane,
Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
...
I met someone who looks at lot like you,
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
She's only programmed to be very nice,
aBut she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
She tells me that she likes me very much,
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
...
I realize that it must seem so strange,
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
-- ELO, 'Yours Truly, 2095'
order soma cheap somaNERVE GAS IS NOT A TOY
NERVE GAS IS NOT A TOY
NERVE GAS IS NOT A TOY
NERVE GAS IS NOT A TOY
Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 2F32
soma soma onlineI sent a message to another time,
But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
I sent a message to another plane,
Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
...
I met someone who looks at lot like you,
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
She's only programmed to be very nice,
aBut she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
She tells me that she likes me very much,
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
...
I realize that it must seem so strange,
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
-- ELO, 'Yours Truly, 2095'

Posted by: order soma online at November 23, 2004 "

In the backwater swirling there are some things that will never change.

I was crazy about a gorgeous guy named J.T. Costa. It was the first time I was really head over heels. He read my diary while I was in the shower at his house and became insanely jealous of the fact that I had been dating someone when we met at Spring Break '95. Even though I ended that relationship after meeting J.T. He was a jealous kind of a guy, I guess. He also idolized the band For Squirrels, who had committed group suicide, because he never wanted to live past 35.

I was at his house in Oxnard, and only had 3 days to spend with him before leaving to go to Europe for the summer. He hadn't spoken to me for most of them (post diary spying), and was basically freezing me out. I didn't know what was wrong (how could I?) but I couldn't wait to get out of there.

While he was at work, I was driving his car and went to put a CD in. This was an old jalopy, and the cd player had been basically Velcroed into the console. I was driving and not looking and somehow managed to push the cd firmly into the space between the actual cd player and the car, only to be wedged in and lost forever. I knew he'd be furious and I just wanted to replace the CD with no comment from him. I didn't want to give him another reason to glare at me over his Miller High Life. I figured, I can go to any CD place and find it. Wrong. Way way wrong. I had to find my way all over Oxnard, a town I knew little to nothing about, to every CD place I could. Meanwhile, I was going to be late to pick him up from work. Finally, FINALLY, I found a used copy, replaced it in the CD book, and raced to get him. He was angry and suspiscious when I got there, all of which was communicated by his mutely pouting. I am fairly certain I cried myself to sleep that night while he watched Morphine on Conan.

Worse, the next day he had to drive me home which was 2 1/2 hours away. I wanted to take the train home but my Mom had had it with my obnoxious drunk ass and didn't want to lend me the money. So, we drove back, and got stuck in awful traffic, so it took close to 4 hours. 4 hours of odd, stilted conversation. It was awful. When we got there, he walked me in said goodbye and left. No explanation, nothing.

I was crestfallen for the first 2 weeks in Europe. But, in my cockroach-esque way I managed to get over it. There are many more twists and turns to this story. The final one involves him calling me out of the blue a year later and saying he made a mistake, he wanted me to move to Florida with him, and that he was in love with me. Be careful what you wish for. I was sure he was drunk or out of his mind on drugs. So I told him if he wanted to tell me all of these things he had to call me during the day sober. He called the next day at 1 pm. I looked at the caller ID, sat and watched the phone ring, and I didn't pick it up because I was frozen in terror. I was in shock. I sent him a letter a while after that and asked why I would go to stay with him when he was drunk 70% of the time and irresponsible. I was cruel to him and he wrote back and said he'd never talk to me again.

I think about him sometimes. He was such a funny guy. I am pretty sure he OD'd. If not I imagine hin to be like the adult Trip Cullman from "Virgin Suicides". I'm sorry I was so mean. But I'm sure if I had been dumb enough to move there it would have been over in a matter of weeks. The minute you surrender and acknowledge you'd be the slightest bit willing to try to make a life together, they freak out. He would have proven no exception, even if he did think he loved me. He was probably drunk.

I date men who don't know what they want, but they know they don't want someone that loves them. And I want them to love me the most, so I can win the great big "I am a valid human being because a man approves of me" grand prix.

The CD was Too High to Die by the Meat Puppets.

Punishment Lunch.

A bottle of apple juice and 3 caramel rice cakes. I went to Target under the auspices of getting a lint roller.

Here is what I returned with:
set of stainless steel measuring cups (my plastic ones are shot)
pizza blade
salad spinner
gold sandals
cream round toe pumps
.99 wastebasket for under my desk at work because the one I have does not fit and I keep kicking it and it drives me bonkers to not have enough leg room
lint brush
peppermint gum
Burt's Bees Lip Balm


Things I did not buy:
age defying foundation (I felt sad and annoyed that I even considered this)
giraffe print bathing suit
fitted denim blazer
teal fishnet socks
new collar for Nigel
raffia door mat (on sale, but quite bulky)
Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper
jeweled kitten heel leather slides (very 1950's cocktail party but were just a tad bit on the small side for my fat foot)
In Touch/Us Magazines

"Such A Lot Of Fuss Over A Few Extra Sssssss!"

1) I started singing "Wouldn't It Be Nice?" in the shower. Later that day I went into the Rite Aid. As I walked by the security guard he belched loudly. While I was trying to decide if I was insulted or just sad for him, "Wouldn't It Be Nice?" came on the in-store music. I lingered a bit longer while selecting my various candies to scarf during my weak points over the weekend.

2) I had a neighborhood adventure on Sunday afternoon. It was the first time since the break up that I did so. It was OK. Not as weird as I thought it would be. Since I moved to and got to know my neighborhood during the early phases of the now-defunct relationship, so much of the charming shops and streets are tied up in that inital memeory of infatuation and sweetness and long new couple strolls. Although, to be truthful there are also the lingering memories of the constant bitter bickering that accompanied trips to the comic book store for purchases of Maakies and visits to the Design Within Reach to furnish the apartment that I pretended was to be for both of us but was actually for either or us on our own not as a couple, which neither wanted to admit aloud. So my solo flight was balanced out and I didn't feel weepy or sentimental. More like, aware but not sad. I bought a set of wine glasses and some surplus US Airways china from the newly opened Fishs Eddy. I exchanged some books and got some new ones I wanted, including Down and Dirty Pictures and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. The books that I offered for buyback which were passed on by the store, I left neatly in their bag on the corner for someone who might like them. I went to the amazing produce market on Atlantic and got lots of gorgeous veggies. And then I went to buy a bottle of wine. After making the round trip from Smith to Montague back to Smith, I felt like I did something instead of sitting on my ass and thinking about doing something. This paragraph sounds lame but it was an incredibly pleasureable experience.

3) When I was in the supermarket prior to SuperBowl insanity, "I'm Not In Love" by 10cc was playing. Again, I lingered and sang absentmindedly to myself while holding a Bobili Thin Crust Pizza.

4) I made the pizza but put too much chopped garlic on it and it was too hard to eat because it was garlic overload. So I pouted. Then I ate an entire sliced cucumber.

5) I watched Puppy Bowl 2005. It was amazing. Everyone wins at the Puppy Bowl. I suggest voting for Bandit for MVP. Althogh, Roxi was also pretty damned adorable. And Itsy. Tough choices.

6) I watched some best of Season One of Kids in the Hall, and was delighted by the DVD audio commentary. I am a fan of the audio commentary always, it feels like you're getting some secrets about writing when you listen to it. Also you can suss out a lot of the interpersonal stuff. It's akin to spying and getting gossip. I want to watch the tour documentary now. Video Free Brooklyn did not have it. I guess kung fu movies are more important to have in stock than comedy documentaries. I think the short, cute video clerk asked me out. Since I had not showered or for that matter brushed my teeth in 24 hours I felt pretty goddmaned proud of myself.

7) Problem Child II was on and I hope Sara got to see it too.

8) My supervisor at work is adorable. She is Philipina and her English is excellent, but I like to hear her inflections because these sort of give her away. One thing she does is say, "Okay?" quite a bit. She does this as a verbal listener meaning she says it to indicate she is listening as you talk and therefore interjects it frequently into your sentences for you. When she says it I decided she sounds like Pepe' the Shrimp from The Muppets. It took me a while to pinpoint that and it was driving me crazy but now that I have it makes it easier to hear it all the time.

9) I have been staring lustily at Work Crush 2005 in a bold and ribald manner. Maybe I will invade his personal space at the event this week, and/or kick him under the table. I like to give myself sexual harassment assignments to pass the time.

10) I am OCD in some ways. For example, I always have to pick up menus from restaurants when they have them and read them. Even if it's for a bagel place. For example, when I went to get coffee this morning I had to grab the take away menu back to my desk and read it. Even though it's for a standard deli with standard deli fare. If there are menus out for grabbing off a sandwixch board on the sidewalk or hung from a doorway I must take them and peruse them, even if it's in a neighborhood I am just visiting. Compulsion.

__________________________
AURAS: None in a long while
MUSIC: Everybody's Changing, Keane
CAFFIENE CONSUMED: 1 cup of coffee. Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper in a bottle (the only time I'll tolerate bottles) to be sought out and slurped down later.
CHCOCLATE: none because the fucking vending machine ate my dollar and I have to call for a refund.

Sunshine.

I had a billion witty referential titles for this entry, but of course, I forgot each and every one.

I am frustrated with writing today. It's one of those, "Do I have any idea what I'm doing?" days. Maybe I need to join Landmark Forum. Or whatever it's called- someone in my class is dong a really funny parody of it, and from what I've learned it's fucking scary.

I like Christina Aguilerra. Watching her sing on an old SNL re-run made me hate stupid Ashlee Simpson's talentless ass even more.

Jason Bateman will be in New York within the next 2 or 3 days and I am going to faint if our paths cross. My god do I have a crush on him.

Speaking of boys, I have a crush on yet another boy. This one is in one of my classes and I enjoy staring at him in a pointed manner while applying lip gloss. Clearly I am deluded as this is a very Lolita-type maneuver but I can't seem to make myself behave. I caught him checking me out, and he caught me catching him and tried to act cool about it. I should have gone to sit in his lap, and then rammed my tongue into his mouth. Instead I put on more lip gloss and felt a small sense of victory.

Nigel just jumped up on the back of my chair- which is a cast off old dinner table chair. It has a quite narrow wooden back. He somehow balanced on that and then put his paws on my shoulders?! And then chewed at my hair a bit. Then he jumped down and strolled away. This has never happened and I wonder if it ever will again?

The adorable lead singer from Keane has a really small mouth.

Trouble Deep.

I have been here a month, one scant month and I have a huge crush on a hot guy who works in my department. Now, this can only mean trouble. But I can't help it. He has such sick ass style, and he's really quiet and shy, and he is a smart ass...sigh. He comes and makes tea at my desk and I stare at his hands and then blush. I always swoon for the nice hands.

I realized today that I forgot what it's like to have a physical relationship with a man. What was it ever like? It's been close to 5 years since I've been in a situation where I was in a long term relationship with someone that was emotional and consistently physical equally. There were some detours here and there- there was one that went on for about 3 months back in 2002, but I ended it prematurely to date someone else. Before my mid twenties this was never a problem. In fact it was the least of my worries. Now I'm facing a long dry spell, a dearth of affection and I am in a sort of shock.

I am developing a terrible fear: that all the men who are not already coupled that are free to date now are not only emotionally retarded perma-bachelors who can only disappoint (which years of pop culture whinging has at least hipped me to), but that they are also sexually dysfunctional. This has been bolstered by reports from gay boys and girl friends alike. This is toally uinprecedented and somehow much more terrifying to me than "I never want to get married". Since when is it better to beat off by yourself than to have sex with AN ACTUAL PARTNER? I guess the answer is: since the Sci-Fi channel.

"I feel it, I feel the wiener."

My friend Porter smells like Christmas.

If there was a paid position in being an immature, petty instigator, I would be the prime candiate. Peace out, A-town.

Abbreviated Repost: Lovely Day, Lovely Day, Lovely Day...

Friend breakups are crappy. But sometimes, you have to just douche people. If someone is treating you like you're unimportant or second class, they just can't be allowed to get away with it. If you treat them well they should return the favor. I read somewhere in some pitiful self-help book (that I was smuggling into an In Touch Magazine at the Barnes & Noble in order to New Age myself undetected) that you teach people how to treat you. I recall being amazed by that which shows how little I valued myself back then. But now I haven't got the patience for it. Going through a major breakup has been hard enough, but I shouldn't have to feel like I'm begging you to come hang out with me, not when I'm fragile like this!

There are a couple of people that, right now on my friend report card, are flunking. And there are some people who I thought were real friends who got fired in the past that I am still amazed at for thinking they could behave this way towards me or anyone.

For your amusement and mine, here are but a few of the offenses:

• Not keeping plans; breaking plans on the same day consistently

• Calling to obsess over trivial things that they've been obsessing about for over a year and expecting me to STILL sympathize with them even though it's the SAME FUCKING STORY

• Getting angry when I politely say "This subject stresses me out and since that can make me have an aura or even a seizure I don't prefer to discuss it so please respect that". Shame on me AND my partial seizure disorder! THIS REALLY HAPPENED!

• Firing me as a bridesmaid, after demoting me from maid of honor. AGAIN, I AM NOT KIDDING.

• Saying, "we'll get a cup of coffee" or "I'll call you later" and then doing neither. For over two years! The best part is, I never call, or say this in return because I find it hilarious. This is all on the part of the other person! I love it. What are we in fucking Hollywood? And from the same person- on one of the yearly calls, asking me to buy tickets for an event and then not calling about it so that I have to call THE DAY OF TO FOLLOW UP- ME!- then cancelling. No it gets better, then not paying me back for all the unused tickets. And you make twice what I do! Nice.

• Letting me spot you, saying you'll spot me, and then not doing it. Example: I buy you 2 drinks. You buy me one, then we leave. You still owe me one. Next time we go out, you don't get me. I HATE THIS SO MUCH I COULD SCREAM. I always notice. There's being broke (my life), and then there's being CHEAP.

• Thinly veiled jealous insults. Here's one: "Even though we're the same age, I'm just more mature than you are." Some spiteful fat pig said that to me once. Then she showed up to my birthday party and was glaring at Ben and I as we were dancing. She actually was mad that I had a boyfrined and didn't want to hang out with me! AND ADMITTED IT TO A MUTUAL FRIEND! She was flushed like the turd she was.

• Same party, different friend: I sat by myself on my birthday in a bar at 7 pm, the time she had said she'd meet me. She came 4 or 5 hours later, insanely drunk (drunker than I was at my own birthday party). No one who is your friend makes you cry on your birthday.

• If I'm your friend, I am loyal beyond reason to you. So why then would you not give me credit for something I did for you- like hooking you up with someone/somthing, or getting you into an exclusive class using my contacts. Same difference: Going behind my back to make arrangements for something I should at least be included in from a "Just wanted to let you know" standpoint- like asking one of my friends to be your director when the only way you know him is through me and he's already working with me on something, and not telling me. Rude.

• Not being friends with me because I got a callback for/cast in something and you didn't. Actually happened in the past 3 years! What are we twelve and both at the "Natty Gann" movie callbacks?!

It's pretty funny in hindsight to look at all this. What a bunch of morons. I wasn't much better to put up with them, though. Thank god I learned to just tell them to beat it. Thankfully I am blessed with a stable of great, kind friends at this stage of my life, people who really know me and treat me well. It gets easier and easier to just shut assholes out of your life. But it doesn't make it any more pleasant, in fact it really fucking bites.

Dauchshund Skip from Winnipeg

I have decided I want to get married to a British man. Here are some candidates.

1) Simon Pegg
Nerds are hot. But nerds with English accents?! Now that's just torture to me. I want to climb on top of him. Even though I think he probably comes up to chest hight on me. We can work it out...IN BED.

2) Martin Freeman
I will break my "Must Be At Least 6" To Ride This Ride" for you, Tim from "The Office" and best friend of Ali G in "Da Ali G. Movie". Someone named Brandy Barber may have written and electronic mash note to this site...which is run by his brother. Eek.

3) BT
I know he's in love with DJ Rap still probably but I don't care. Brian Transeau, will you BT mine? (Gross. Brandy. Gross.)

4) Lee Evans
Again with the short thing. I forgive you for ruining my tall gene pool when we mate. Which will happen...IN BED.

5) Hugh Grant
The shameless womanizing bastard thing is like a siren song, but for girls.

6) Any of the Thrills
I am nothing if not practical. Would they be mad if I called them Brits if they're Irish? Must find out the answer...IN BED.

7) Sasha Baron Cohen
Tall, dark, and incredibly cruel to anti-Semite idiots. What a dreamboat.

Is it sad that I'm listening to "Back 4 Good" right now? Don't answer that.

The Office: An American Workplace

So, go ahead and go to this link and watch the video. And then let's discuss. I am actually surprised, it's better than I thought. But there are some things they should have let go. I don't think the jello thing will make Americans laugh the same way it did in the UK. Maybe because when we think of Jello, we think of Jello shots, which also make us think of frat boys and rape.

I also don't think that the Gareth character is working for me, a bit too screechy. I would have liked someone less loud & goofy, more subtle. Maybe they're all a bit too over the top and not as subtle...I don't know. The way they're having him play Gareth reeks of Must See TV crazy guy and that is a shame.

The Hitler thing was good, though. And the Mexican thing.

It is just a clip...let's hope it gets better. I do like Steve Carell. No is under the impression that this will be better than the original, so maybe I should be less fussy.

I hate you, Ben Gruber*.

You went to Atlanta and all I got was no lousy Meatwad doll.

*And so does Nigel B. Barbier, you jerk!

I Will NOT Apologize! Chapter 2

I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE for dancing/singing to "There's No Stoppin' Us (Breakin' Theme)" and getting genuinely excited and happy for Ozone, Turbo, and Special K. Ollie and Jerry, you mean something to me.

So fuck off if you think that there IS some stopping us.