Trouble Deep.

I have been here a month, one scant month and I have a huge crush on a hot guy who works in my department. Now, this can only mean trouble. But I can't help it. He has such sick ass style, and he's really quiet and shy, and he is a smart ass...sigh. He comes and makes tea at my desk and I stare at his hands and then blush. I always swoon for the nice hands.

I realized today that I forgot what it's like to have a physical relationship with a man. What was it ever like? It's been close to 5 years since I've been in a situation where I was in a long term relationship with someone that was emotional and consistently physical equally. There were some detours here and there- there was one that went on for about 3 months back in 2002, but I ended it prematurely to date someone else. Before my mid twenties this was never a problem. In fact it was the least of my worries. Now I'm facing a long dry spell, a dearth of affection and I am in a sort of shock.

I am developing a terrible fear: that all the men who are not already coupled that are free to date now are not only emotionally retarded perma-bachelors who can only disappoint (which years of pop culture whinging has at least hipped me to), but that they are also sexually dysfunctional. This has been bolstered by reports from gay boys and girl friends alike. This is toally uinprecedented and somehow much more terrifying to me than "I never want to get married". Since when is it better to beat off by yourself than to have sex with AN ACTUAL PARTNER? I guess the answer is: since the Sci-Fi channel.