Another amazing day in Southern California with the folks. There was a trip to Del Taco for some fast food gorging, and my brother and I went on a bonding shopping trip. I managed to clean up and snatch a pair of Vivienne Westwood open-toed gladiator pumps for over 75% off their original price, an AMAZING vintage styled cape (yes, a cape) and a pair of to-the-elbow leather gloves. My Mom asked why I have to dress so S&M. Yuck. I also bought another copy of The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter, which I plan to re-read on the plane home and openly weep. I found 2 amazing silicone cupcake trays for nearly zilch (I left my cupcake pan at the apartment of an old paramour last year and only just realized the discrepancy) and, of course, had to get some more hooded sweatshirts because I don't have enough as it is.
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12) What does my family do that annoys you?
13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
1) If we get pregnant, is it because one of us didn't wear a rubber or because you forgot to take the pill?
2) How much does your trust fund pay out quarterly?
3) Did you get the Heineken and Pop Tarts like I said, bitch?
4) Do you have herpes or paranoid schizophrenia or something?
5) Why don't you go down on me?
6) Are you absolutely sure you're not gay?
7) Where should I put my porn in the bedroom?
8) Do you ever shut up?
9) When I'm bored of sex (with you), you're not going to make me go to therapy or AA or anything, are you?
10) Are your friends hot?
11) How much cash would your parents give us if we had kids?
12) Is your mom crazy or a drunk?
13) Are you just a cokewhore?
14) If I go to Thailand for a month, will you just not ask me any questions?
15) Is that prenup still valid?
She had been excited about going to work in New York. Since such a tiny thing as a flower in a brown bowl in the library had thrilled her so, she expected that the great city of New York would thrill her a hundred times more. But it was not so.-- A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, Betty Smith, 1943.
The Bridge has been the first disappointment. Looking at it from the roof of her house, she had thought that crossing it would make her feel like a gossamer-winged fairy flying through the air. But the actual ride over the Bridge was no different that the ride above the Brooklyn streets. The Bridge was paved in sidewalks and traffic roads like the streets of Broadway and the tracks were the same tracks. There was no different feeling about the train as it went over the bridge. New York was disappointing. The buildings were higher and the crowds thicker; otherwise it was little different from Brooklyn.
Thanks to all of our hilarious cast of A VERY BETSEY XMAS (Matt McCarthy, Brianne Halverson, Patrick Dall'O chio, John F. O'Donnell, Michael Cyril Creighton, Amanda Pettit, Michael Terry, Katina Corrao), our "pageant performers" (Robin Gelfenbien, Shayna Ferm, Shawn Hollenbach & The Sizzle Twins- Matt Guzzardo & Myles Kane) as well as our fantastic director, Jen Wineman.
A VERY BETSEY XMAS, that is! Come out & get drunk watching us put on a play- what better way to show reverence to Jesus? Don't miss your very last chance to catch this show!
Vince Vaughn's recent supposed tryst with a sorority dipshit has me in a contemplative mood. Not because he clearly has awful taste in women (anyone who cheats on that sweet as punch little Jennifer Aniston obviously does). I mean, this sub-literate, bland as can be cookie cutter "hot girl"? Do you smell something?
This is what happens when BROOKYLN FRIENDSHIPS (TM) have too much red wines and such.
The magical MORTIFIED! book tour ended up in Boston last night, and we sold out AND played right next door to J. Masics- that's right, DINOSAUR JR. was playing! How very appropo. I myself kept trying to decide which of the smoking hot 23 year old hipsters with alliances to music that was out when they were in cribs I was going to mount like a fucking hunting trophy. But in between imagining tall indie rock boys in sherpa-lined Levi's cord jackets prone & nude, I managed to drag my ass onstage and be a part of what was an awesome line up of performers for a sold out engagment of MORTIFIED! Boston, produced by the fab Giulia Rozzi with a guest appearacne from our fearless creator, Dave Nadelberg himself. There were lots of folks from the book there, as well as some first timers, so it was a grand mix of former (and in my case, current) nerds.
The Kissing Booth presents: A VERY BETSEY XMAS!
The MORTIFIED! book hits stores tomorrow, and I would love for all three of my faithful Hatefully Charming blog readers to go out and buy multiple copies for gifting and keeping and such. BONUS: There is not only my hideous diary from 1989 BUT, two count them TWO photos of me looking like quite the troll. Well worth the price of admission! You all remember Toby. My invisible boyfriend? He's back, and we're better than ever. See what a kidder he is? Sara is kind of jealous of him, though. But I know she'll come around. Everyone always does with Toby. He makes a friend of all he meets. Which is never, because he's really awfuly busy. Blink, and you'll miss him. Can I help it if I have a highly successful globe-trotting gentleman caller? No, no I cannot.
You'd all best be wise not to come between us. Like INXS, you will never tear us apart.
Things I will do when I get home to San Diego for Thanksgiving.
1. Play Kenny Loggins, "Celebrate Me Home" and sing at top volume with the windows in my Dad's car down as I barrel along the Coast highway at sunset.
2. Eat my weight in carne asada burritos from Alberto's.
3. Buy all the great clothes at the Barney's Outlet that no Southern Californian has the good sense to.
4. Lay out on the balcony in a bikini on Thanksgiving.
5. Make my Dad some sort of swishy cocktail (A saketini, perchance?) and serve it to him with flair.
6. Ask my Mom to play with my hair. No one gets to touch my hair but Kathy Barber.
7. Walk Yorktown, the world's worst basset hound and surreptitiously smoke, then lie to my Dad and say it must have been someone who stood by my coat at JFK and blew smoke on me when questioned about the stench.
8. Enjoy the fuck out of myself while drinking ice cold Miller High Lifes in the hot tub under a canopy of stars.
9. Bulk up on a deep fried Thanksgiving Day Turkey.
10. Play "Name That 70's R&B Classic Soul Jam Hit" with my Dad- there's sure to be selections from the OJays, The Commedores, and most definitely Kool & The Gang.
First of all, I wanted to say I love this picture, and I especially love the woman who took it of me, the fancy Ms. Anya Garrett. She always manages to capture people's truest essence on film (which is why I'm clutching a beer) while making them look great. I am so happy here- I'm at my show, I'm watching my comedy partner onstage and laughing at her, and life is so good. I could not be more in love with life these days.\
There's still plenty of time for you to go out and vote today- because if you already haven't you damn well should.
