I said that my ability to trust is officially gone to a few people recently. I think they thought was a bad thing, that I was hurt one too many times and in so being, that I was going to hurt others by being cruel. But it was more about me not hurting myself, at least not in the way I have in the past, by being naive.
But today I saw this postcard on Postsecret and it made me feel odd. Is it bad to admit that I'll never 100% trust someone- romantically or even as a friend anymore? Am I punishing myself for bad things that have happened to me throughout my life in dealings with other people? I don't know the answer. I know that I'm still angry at myself for letting people take advantage of me in the past, but at the time, I didn't know it. Of course, after the fact, whenever I've mentioned to a friend something along the lines of, "Yeah, he was such a jerk and this one time, he said and /or did [INSERT SLIGHT FROM EX HERE]", they chime in with "But you can't beat yourself up for caring for someone else." Fine and good- but didn't I just kind of get beat up? Didn't someone just make me emotionally bite the fucking curb, as they say?
I guess I'd rather not be beat up by someone's inhernet cruelty anymore, and maybe by prefacing all interactions with that, I'm saving myself the extra step. By assuming you're going to cheat on me, it's that much easier when you sleep with your roommate in Mexico on that day trip and I find out months later. By being certain you're not putting in your daily phone call because you're fucking someone who's visiting from out of town, I save myself the agony of playing Jessica Fletcher and making the mystery complete by the end of the episode. By assuming you're unable & unwilling to commit, it makes it that much easier to fathom why you asked me, nay, INSISTED I move in with you and then, when I begin to make motions to do so, you shit your knickers. All of these are true, but you knew that, I imagine. And all of them nearly killed me. But now I think I harvested a little precious gemstone out of the pile of turds that I was presented in these unfortunate situations.
I like streamlining the steps of what I now expect to be inevitable disappointment, at least a bit. In a way, it almost makes it easier to enjoy and appreciate the good aspects of relationships- because you recognize the artifice that they're predicated on and choose to accept it for what it is. I think that's a pretty smart way to do business, if I do say so myself. And hey- a lot less screaming from me, so everyone wins!