Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Nitol will help you get your Zs

I woke up at 4 am and could not get back to sleep. I made Valerian tea and all. No dice. Nigel was thrilled to have some early am companionship however.

I lay awake last night, trying to lure myself into peaceful slumber. But all I kept doing was thinking about horrible, upsetting things from my past. Not on purpose, either- awful memories would just pop into my head and I’d want to cry. Or worse, I’d become angry. Then I’d catch myself in the middle of constructing these elaborate revenge scenarios and think, jesus, Brandy, knock it off! You are not going to the dog park to collect turds and mail them to INSERT NAME OF EVIL PAST CO-WORKER FROM VARIOUS AWFUL RETAIL JOBS HERE. I don’t mean to get myself all worked up in these cases. It just sort of happens. I am not a good daydreamer, which when you really consider it, is pretty pitiful. Even a toddler can daydream effectively.

So, last night: I tried to meditate. I gave myself a dreamy topic, in which I pictured how wonderful it would be if I could have my apartment all to myself with no other boarders, and how I’d then decorate it to house my various Spice Girls and ELO/Xanadu memorabilia. This rapidly became stressful, as I got frustrated over how I’d fit a desk into the larger bedroom so that it would aesthetically utilize the one small window without blocking it. Again, I was freaking out instead of calming myself down. What a train wreck I am.

1 comment:

April said...

i totally understand the mediation/stress thing. happens to me all the time.