"Essagerato," she said—exaggerator.*

The Heart-Repair Calculator.

Time is the great healer. But how long will it take? After much study, this is the best formula for getting an estimate:

Short relationships (3 MONTHS OR LESS)

count the number of weeks that you knew the person before the relationship turned romantic, and then divide this number by 2
count the number of weeks that you were romantically involved
add-up A and B
count the average number of days per week you saw him/her during the romance, and divide this number by 2
multiply C and D - that's how many weeks it will take to begin feeling normal

Example: Lou met Barb. After 4 weeks they started dating. They dated for 8 weeks, seeing each other an average of 4 nights per week. Then Barb left. It will take Lou's heart about 20 weeks (or just under 5 months) to recover.

Mid-length relationships (1 YEAR OR LESS)

count the number of months that you were romantically involved
count the average number of days per week you saw him/her during the romance, and divide this number by 2
multiply A and B - that's how many months it will take to begin feeling normal

Example: Dave met Sandra. They had a passionate romance for 8 months, seeing each other about 3 times per week. Then Sandra left. It will take Dave's heart about 12 months (1 year) to recover.

Long relationships (1 YEAR OR MORE)

estimate how happy you were (day to day) on a scale of 1 to 3
estimate how physically attractive you found your mate on a scale of 1 to 3
add up A and B - and then divide this number by 2-- this will give you a number in years
subtract one year from the total

Example: John was happily married to Mary (he ranked his happiness a 2 out of 3. He found Mary very attractive, a 3 out of 3. Mary leaves. John's heart will take 1 ½ years to recover.


This is odd and sort of fascinating. It is maddeningly simplistic, but it also compells you a bit. Kind of like horoscopes. Or Mad Libs.

I woman I knew & used to occasionally tolerate got dumped by this guy she was seeing who I always thought was gay (I still do in fact). She was devastated and she started seeing a psychic. At one point, this idiot was at an ATM pulling out hundreds, crying, about to march over to a blatant swindler in order to have the fact that she was in a denial-based love with a gay guy crystal-balled out of her empty head. I pride myself on never being that dumb. Also, if I could pull that much money out of a teller right now you bet your sweet can I'd be at Agent Provocateur suiting up for a much needed humping. I mean, let's not be rash here people! I have standards!







* Christopher Castellani, The Saint of Lost Things
Picture from found.com