The Unclub.

Obviously, Friday's The Unclub was so much fun and if you missed it, you're dumb. There were so many funny performers (such as Wendy Ho, who as usual was a riot) and films and-best part- lots and lots of BOOZE at the open bar. Everyone scolded me for drinking all that PBR, but I know better than to go apeshit on a liquor open bar. It ends badly...like when you puke in the sink at the country club in front of the groom's mom at your best friend from childhood's wedding. Take it from Barber. She knows.

I also only had 3 empanadas for supper, so that was bad. I was so out of commission that I abstained/stayed in the rest of the weekend. Unheard of, but true. That's how great of a party it was. Plus I got to see everyone's favorite Canadian, Aubrey Tennant, and that was simply grand. Who, at roughly this same time last year, I was insanely drunk with yet another crazed party. All in all, the best summer kick off you could hope for. Thanks to Becky, Michelle, & Sergio (the hosts & producers), Carol for the film programming, and to one John F. O'Donnell, who, though I may scold quite a bit, do so love and who always comes thru for me. Thunks, P-Dubs.

Optic Nerve.

Due to my rampaging insomina, I just read the new Optic Nerve. It made me so sad. Why do people cheat on the people they say they love instead of just telling the truth? I will never, ever understand.

I'm heartbroken. I love Adrian Tomine for making me have such miserable flashbacks. Especially [SPOILER] the panel where they guy is being called out by his girlfriend for being caught with another girl. Basically, he vehemently denies it until faced with proof, and in turn, tries to shout her down. They all do that, that "shout you down" tactic, when they're cornered. It's times like that that I thank god I grew up with a military Dad, where that kind of shouting was the way I was typically sent off to school each morning. I'm immune to it. But it's fun to watch.

Especially when they cry.

Insomnia.

I have awful insomnia again. I can't sleep more than 2 hours at a tick, and then I wake up and lay there thinking about sleeping. It's awful. During the day I feel groggy and cranky. This all sucks. Hate this. I beat this about a year ago and now it has returned to rear its ugly head.

I read the latest Optic Nerve. It made me so sad. Why do people lie to one another and cheat on each other? I'll never understand, ever. I may talk a good game, but honestly, I never cheated on someone first. I always, in the end, more than made up for their dalliances with my shennaingans, but really, can you blame me? And at this point, I'll never trust or believe anyone the way I did before I was treated this way by a slew of choice individuals. Cheating as a form of retaliation is one thing, cheating just out of the blue because you can? I don't understand. I almost started crying about this, just now. Why would you do that to someone you cared for?

So pathetic, really. There's so much to be kind to one another about in the world. Why choose to be shitty?

The Unclub & Drink At Shark- Come See Me Being A Jack-Ass.

Come out come out wherever you are, and see me in two separate shows in two nights in a row(s). Or not, suit yourself, tough guy.

FRIDAY, APRIL 27, 2007

The UNCLUB
produced by Becky Donohue, Sergio Chicon & Michelle Buteau

*2 rooms of comedy gold featuring comedy shorts, stand up and music- and dancing, too!
*your paid admission entitles you to OPEN BAR ALL NIGHT
* did you not just see that part about OPEN BAR ALL NIGHT?!? and there are two (2) whole bars for you to pillage!

Check out this unbeatable lineup:

Comedy from: DEAN EDWARDS (SNL), DJ CRAIG BALDO (Montreal Comedy Festival), DANTE NERO (Chappelle Show) RACHEL FEINSTEIN (Comedy Central), NICK KROLL (Best Week Ever), ERIC ANDRE (HBO Aspen Comedy Festival), WENDY HO ( Caroline's), SCHAFFER THE DARKLORD, and MORE!

Short films from: Elephant Larry * Meat * Brandy & Sara * Sara Benincasa for Nerve * Carolyn Castiglia * Andres du Bouchet * Drink At Work and MORE!

WHERE: Loft Eleven's Penthouse Suite
336 W 37th St b/t 8th and 9th Aves (next to the Zipper
Theater)
WHEN: Friday April 27th, 2007
Doors open at 8:00 PM
Short films Part One screen at 8:15 - 8:30 PM
Live comedy Part One kicks off at 9:00 PM
Short films Part Two screen from 10:15 - 10:45 PM
Live Comedy Part Two kicks off at 11:00 PM
COST: $40 (includes OPEN BAR ALL NIGHT)

Sponsored by Trago Tequila

For more acts and information, check out: www.myspace.com/unclub

SATURDAY, APRIL 28th, 2007

THE DRINK AT SHARK SHOW

The Sharkers are taking this Saturday night off for personal reasons. Apparently, and this will seem...you know, just like such a funny coincidence, they'll be recuperating at home. All of them. See, Nick, Gabe, and Ari all happened to hit their faces early this morning on some doorknobs, and their new black eyes really smart. They said they were so embarassed about how clumsy they were. We understand. We're clutzes too. And then, poor Dan, who we didn't run into until later this morning, well, he sadly fell down some stairs. Can you believe it? Really, what are the odds!?

Pretty low, we admit, but hey, that's what happened.

What? You don't believe us?

Well, hey, it's true. Too bad if you don't "buy it" as you put it. They'll all tell you that's what happened too, every single one of them. Hey we love the Shark Show. You don't think it was the Drink At Work Show that did this to the Sharkers, do you? They fell! They did. Go ahead, ask them. See if they don't tell you the same thing.

(And if they do say something different, let us know, ok? Cause then we'll need to have a "talk" with them about "doorknobs" on some "stairs.")

So this Saturday take it in as Drink At Work's all-star travel-team takes over the Shark Show and transforms into:

THE DRINK AT SHARK SHOW



Hosted by and featuring:

Sean Crespo, Matt McCarthy, Brandy Barber, Lucas Held, and of course Carol Hartsell and Craig Baldo.


Guest comedians:

Anthony Jeselnik, Crespo's pal from his halcion and not-so-halcion days in L.A.!

Hannibal Buress, who appeared on Drink At Work's very first stand up show!

and...


the hilarious Blaine Perry!



Possible special appearance by D.A.R.E. To keep Kids Off Chomsky as well as motivational speaker Velos Joysbane Kundular who is definitely NOT a vampire.


8 pm
Mo Pitkins
*upstairs*
2nd Avenue between E. 2nd and E. 3rd Streets
FREE

Punishments.

I plan on leaving up the repugnant post below for a variety of reasons. None of them involve humor, at least not of the intentional kind. Here are some of them:

1. I suspect I have a binge drinking "problem"
2. I do not need to be shaming myself electronically to the degree that I choose to
3. I want to blush with mortification on a routine basis when I see it

Please feel free to add your own to the list if you like.

Too druk

I just saw rhe best concert of ever and I am d-=so drunk buyt aI had to type abour it because it was dgood

you should go but ALL the founatyins of waybne albu s theyt are the best band and anyone who doe snot leike them can KISS MY MUTHAFUCKNG ASS

also porter and matt i love you two drun kfucks anfd thanks for the mideel finger fingering technique talks abd also the boy advce and all that

and for tthe beers'

and for the lays chips

also porter you are queer for noty eating the gummy bnears i found in the b otto,m of my tote bag SO THERE

and nigel also wishes thewy plated amity gardens

Vapors!

A little walk down memory lane...to VAPORS!!!

Part One.

Part Two.

Say hello...

..to Sadie!

CUE THEME SONG FROM ALICE:

There's a new girl in town,
and she's feelin' good!
Got a style,
Got a song,
for the neighborhood.

There's a new girl in town,
With a brand new style.
She was just passing thru,
But if things work out she's gonna stay...
awhile.

Buhm buhm buhm buhm buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhm.

The Funniest Mom In America.

Hey, just a quick plug for a pal- you should watch this fun show and you should root for the VERY funny and fun Ms. Pat Canderas. This is a comic who had a brilliant show that went to Edinburgh called GRANDMOTHERF#@&KER and she delivers the goods.

Check her out! The Funniest Mom In America on Nick At Nite.

Here Is Where I Ramble About Hot Fuzz, Part Two.

Cannot wait to see it again, and you should all go and watch it. It's funny, heartfelt and visually stunning.

Hot Fuzz, and all of the Simon Pegg-Edgar Wright collaboration I've grown to love, is compelling because it's a movie about the true love between friends, and I am so enthralled by that. I am enamoured with stories about this kind of love; maybe this is because I think it is, in many ways, the purest that can exist between two humans. I certainly have never been as fulfilled by "romantic" love as I have been by the closeness I've felt with my friends. I've in fact been throughly disappointed by this time-wasting, painful and ultimately unfulfilling novelty, and as I get older, I find myself really drawn to stories that focus on the platonic bond between two close friends. Because none of my close friends ever took pains to lie to my face, or put my health at risk, or make me look like a complete fool for being silly enough to trust someone. And I thank those friends, the lot of them, every day for that.

Or maybe it's just because I hate schlocky, sicky sweet fake romantic bullshit because I know it's all stupid lies and I think that it's for the lowest common denominator of the population to slobber over, like a pathetic soma. That, too.

The Take Brandy To XANADU Foundation.

As some of you may know, I am obsessed with Jeff Lynne, Electric Light Orchestra, Olivia Newton-John and, of course, the film XANADU.

So I have been near tears with excitement about the recent production of XANADU ON BROADWAY. Tickets went on sale this Saturday, and it is my sincere hope that I get to attend the show at least once, if not many more times. I have the costumes picked out that I shall wear (complete with white roller skates). Now all I need is the date. Seriously, ask anyone, I am a delightful, entertaining, (easy) date- especially when plied with a pre-show Maker's rocks.

Let's make it happen, people!

Uncomfortable.

You're welcome.

Get MORTIFIED- Tonight!

Come out and see it- tonight!

Featuring all new pathetic crap read by:

Liam McEneaney!
Anne Altman!
Laura Mannino!
Katina Corrao!
Jake Goldman!
Cheryl Caligiari!
Qraig DeGroot!
Law Tarello!

Don't miss it!

What is MORTIFIED? Read on!

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.

WHAT: Mortified NYC
WHEN: Wednesday, March 21, 2007
TIME: 8:00 PM
VENUE: Makor Theater
ADDRESS: 35 West 67th Street (Steinhardt Building), 10023

Tickets $12 at the door only.

I'm In Love With You. Haven't You Noticed?

I am beyond excited about all the things going on in comedy, always. All this jibber-jabber about "sketch comedy renaissance" aside, I am really energized over what's going on even if there's one absurd, brave comedy show or 10. There's always something funny that makes you glad to be alive, and to wash the fetid taste of formulaic bullshit out of your mouth.

Such is the way with MTV's Human Giant. I can go on and on about how it's so fucking fun to watch, so full of cool smart well written tightly edited magic. I could ramble about how I know some of the folks involved from way back when, and bore you about how they are nice, hardworking guys who deserve the fuck out of all this. But I'd rather you find out for yourself. And then tell 10 close friends to watch it and spread the word.

And here's a note to all the haters- I know you're jealous right now. But take that envy and do something positive with it, instead of slagging off something smart and sharp and brave just because you aren't getting the chance to do something like it yet. Take a lesson from this and get off the comedy blogs and GO DO SOMETHING. That means not reading about what everyone else is doing and then whining about it, but instead starting a show, writing a script, taking a film class...do something besides rip shit down all the time.

Don't let stupid shit ruin TV anymore. If you really love comedy, seek out what you love and make it stick around so that other people can love it, too. Part of the comedy world is built on supporting one another- so let's do that. Start with this show and who knows what awesome shit can happen?

Signed,

Little Miss Pep Club.

But seriously this show is great.

The Cycle Is Complete.

I feel as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my narrow shoulders.

Someone has the fever. The fever for Guitar Hero II. I'm going to treat myself to that whole set up, STAT. Watch out, motherfuckers, because this little lady is going to SMOKE your asses on Matthew Sweet's Girlfriend.

Which is the best song of like, whatever. Who doesn't want a cute boy like Mister Sweet to sing impassioned, tortured love songs to them, punctuated by anime? Show me that lady and I'll show you an orangutan in a mumu.

Enjoy!



Full disclosure: I own a custom made shirt that reads: "I Like Matthew Sweet" from Neighborhoodies.

"You Weren't Mangy Last Night, You Were Fun." - Matt Sears

Here Is Where I Ramble About Hot Fuzz, Part 1.

Can't wait to see it again. Loved it. Loved all the cameos.

But then I saw this on Anglophenia, one of my fave media blogs that's run off the BBC America site. What is Anglophenia, you ask? Basically, it's a nice summation of all sorts of cool Brit pop culture, written by an American who, like me, likes to fancy themselves a conissuer of all things UK. Very funny, very engaging, and always full of gossip for me to nerd out over.

Anyway...so sad to hear this. I loathe Kristen Dunst, as I have documented here prior (I believe I gently accused her of having "yellowed bulima fangs"). She is not talented in the least and she does not fool me into thinking she has acting skills. There are but three exceptions where I find her to be mildly tolerable:

1. The remake of Little Women, only because I love the book so much and, the movie remake is practically dripping with kittens
2. The Virgin Suicides, in which her performance is only to be attributed to the artistry of Sofia Coppola and that ONLY. She is but a vessel.
3. Interview With The Vampire, because she is so creepily pretty and adult. Again, casting director & film's director get the kudos on that one.

Sigh. I don't like her sullying the fine silken waters of a Simon Pegg feature with her muddy piggy shiny face. Yick. Oh, well.

Feedback!

I'll never get why you'd go to someone's video just to leave a disparaging comment. I mean, if it's wholeheartedly offensive,then by all means. But if you just don't like it? GOOD. FINE. NO WORRIES. Then how's about you save the 2 minutes of your useless life for pursuits other than writing a semi-literate, shitty comment. Why not scrapbook about the local flower show or some lame shit?

Excuse my tirade, but click on the image above to see where it generates from. This mongoloid had the nerve to leave a MISSPELLED comment on one of our videos. When you click on her profile, she has a large collection of one particular soap opera hunk's clips. That's right. A dipshit who has laughable sexual fantasises about a second rate actor who's most likely gay had the AUDACITY to hate on a video I, and my friends, worked really hard on. What has she done lately? I do not know that, but I suspect it had something to do with chowing down Bon Bons and leaving fevered messages on a thread for a second rate basic cable reality show about how she wants to marry one of the dreamy hosts- I bet siad host has highlights and wears lipgloss.

CANCELLED!!!

BOY CRAZY!!!

Kloke and I discuss my seeing the fucking AMAZING screening of Hot Fuzz last night, complete with Q&A featuring Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg AND AND AND Nick Frost. I pretty much almost cried with glee the entire film, while flippng the bird during the Q&A at morons. You must go see it- trust me on this one. There will be more piercing squeals about this subject, bet.

In the meantime, enjoy this proof of why I am unfit to love! Click on the image to enlarge.

Cat Crazy!!!!!

So many cats! So little time to obsess over them due to lack of personal (READ: sexual) fulfillment!!

Look there! Google's Random Kitten Generator!

Look here! A MYSTERY CAT!

Cats! Cats! Cats! (collapses into bubble bath, clutches healing amethyst crystal, sobs)

Prom 2007.

Ingredients needed:

1. home-made tulip corsages
2. Malibu Mango & Cook's Champagne cocktails, with a dash of Red Bull
3. SUV Taxi ride to Times Square for Prom 2007 Supper at Red Lobster
4. Countless hate-drenched glares from other patrons, most of whom seemed to be uniformed in some combination of leather Starter jackets, Timberlands and Coach bags.*
5. 1 Long Island Iced Tea, 1 margarita on the rocks, 1 Mai Tai, and 1 Bahama Mama at the "bar".
6. Lobster rolls, shrimp dip, crab legs and more scarfed down and topped off with Bud Lights. Crab legs used as artifical limbs.
7. Fake birthday request put in by Kloke; shitty cake dropped off with half-hearted song from waitstaff to Brandy. Later, Brandy shoves entire ball of freezer-burned vanilla ice cream in her face.
8. Drunken staggering out into freezing cold, snatching up of cab, from which Sara hurls inebriated chants at hooligans driving past in stretch Hummer while Kloke and Brandy cower on the floor and Oren exclaims giddily to the cab driver, "We ate at Red Lobster!!!"
9. Return to the He Man Woman-Hater's Clubhouse in Chelsea. More consumption of various substances. Viewing of Peanut Butter, Eggs and Dice episode of Mister Show. Snoring from Sara.
10. Sara and Brandy peace out at midnight in someone's kindly donated bed.

Best. Prom. Ever.


*also, minor near fistfight incurred by Barber. During spitting of insults (one of which was "Shut the fuck up or I'll punch that fucking acne off your face") Kloke shakes head wistfully, chuckles and says "Oh, here we go!"

Cut Creator, Rock The Beat With Your Hand.

I fucking LOVE the SOS Band. This is a fab song of theirs, and it sums me up pretty nicely I think. It's called Just Be Good To Me. The chorus goes along the lines of this:

I don't care about your other girls, just be good to me.

Seriously. Is that a lot to ask? You'd be surprised, people. Trust me.

I Tried To Swipe It.

April 2007 042, originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..

But it didn't fit up my dress. CURSES!

Sara Benincasa's Tub Talk on Nerve.com.

Hey! Check out this episode of Nerve.com's TUB TALK, hosted by Sara Benincasa. A classy look for me, to be sure. And please, log in to vote highly for us because I think we deserve a "10" for smart due to the large number of cuss words. Yay!

I went to this concert.

And I lived this song. Funny.

This will end badly.

Trust me on this. Say no go, Hall & Oates.

I love you, Google Customizable Homepage Content!

Best.
Idea.

EVER.

I Got Nothing To Give You, You See, Except Everything.

Just heard this song and it made my day. Looking forward to meeting someone worthy of feeling like this about again sometime. No rush. Just looking forward to when it happens. I mean...It's going to happen, right? (looks around cubicle in desperation, pats Beanie Baby Panda absentmindedly and stares with glazed eyes at KUDDLY KITTENS 2007 desk calendar, featuring a calico in a pink basket)

Now you get to have YOUR day made, too. Enjoy the "fanvideo" composed of content that I am throughly baffled by. Who the fuck are these people? Someone please explain this all to Grandma.

Oh, and also- It's Rilo Kiley's I Never.

I Love Love!

I mean...who doesn't?!? It's like my boyfriend, Scott Peterson, was saying the other day. I found some bobby pins by the bed that weren't mine- I mean, I don't use bobby pins, I'm not from the 1940s, people- and boy, was I HOPPING mad! I was going to give that rascal Scott Peterson the what-for and the how-do-you-do-kind-sir, let me tell you.

But Scott Peterson looked deep into my eyes and said, "Baby, those are clearly yours. I mean, I just found them when I was cleaning behind the bed and no one else has been here since you and I started dating!" I was confused but then he said, "Hon, you know I love you." It was so sweet, the way his nose wrinkled when he said it. Also the way he put his hands around my throat, just ever so gently but enough to leave little pink marks on the skin.

Seriously, Scott Peterson is super romantic and I bet he's right. Maybe I like, forgot I wore bobby pins when I dressed as a flapper for Halloween like, 3 years ago and they like, fell out or something...I don't want to think about it. Just drop it, OK? Wait, did I tell you? You guys, Scott just called and left me a message! He's going to take me to Nobu and Suite 16 tonight, "just because"!!! Do I have the world's best boyfriend OR WHAT?!?

"That fat ass ninja turtle ass ain't takin' my woman."

Another super duper night at my apartment, the BROOKLYN FRIENDSHIPS (TM) compound. ANOTHER, you ask? But JUST last night there was a lovely slumber party featuring super blogger Matt Sears! I know, right?!?!

Tonight it is GIRLS ONLY (plus Porter) super pals hang, where we wear matching grey leggings and Ugg boots, eat See's Easter candy sent from my parents in San Diego, and Sara tries to make me watch The Hills finale which I hiss and spit at. Also we devour a bag of Doritos Wild White Nachos and send texts to various pals such as Oren. But right now, there is a break in the action. For you see, Sara is on the phone long distance to her BF, and I am on the couch watching Flavor Of Love. Just this minute, New York's fake fur eyelash almost got blown off on a drunken Mexican boat ride. There were oiled, prominently displayed breasts and fist fights and cusses. It is too good to be true.

Oh, and then I saw this:

"You Know What I Never Did?"

Check out these two dearhearts and friends, Nathan & Oren, tearing Nickelback a new one. Oren has JUST gotten off a plane from Thailand but STILL MAKES IT OUT TO SUNDAY DRUNK DAY KARAOKE. That is how the game is played, people.

Ain't That Tough Enough?

Hey there. Things have been pretty rough lately for me...what with my long distance relationship and all. I really miss my boyfriend, Scott Peterson.

I'll give you some frequent updates about stuff between us- but beware, he is SUPER romantic and says the NICEST things so you may find yourself blushing as you read!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!