Uh-uh.

No kitty.
Originally uploaded by branleighbarber.

OK, I have ultimate pre-show jitters. This is why I could never be a stand up. To go around putting yourself in this position nightly takes a certain level of bravery I don't have. Also, the fact that I have certain pre-show rituals that must be observed ahd adhered to takes me out of the running. Because if I did nightly shows and pulled this, I'd resemble fat Elvis and that is no good.

Here's a peek:

Sleep until 11 am.

Check into stuff on blog.

Become fascinated with reading the entire "Overheard in New York" archives.

Three hours later,polish off all the leftovers in the fridge (Chipotle, Thai Sesame)

Drink a Diet Cherry VAnilla Dr. Pepper

Go over materials for show

Worry about outfit

Call Sara

Sit on couch, watch the scene in LOTR where Viggo Mortensen breaks up with Liv Tyler; start inexplicably crying

Back at computer, downloading Brandy's Greatest Hits Selections

Write into to pieces I'll premiere tongiht

Eat two handfuls of Hershey's Kisses

Drink a R.W. Knudsen Boysenberry Spritzer

Eat the remainder of a loaf of lard bread smeared with tofu cream cheese

Dance to "Sittin' Up In My Room" and taunt Nigel with Sour Cream & Onion potato chips

Worry about hair looking bad oonstage

Scold Nigel for scratching couch

Stare out the window at dumb couples eating dumb overpriced brunch at subpar "pan Asian" across the street

Sing along to "Almost Doesn't Count" balefully; when my vouce cracks, start over (kind of like Ashlee Simpson)

Wonder if I'll have time to eat before show

Wish I'd gone outside earlier

Consider going outside

Realize I'm wearing grey sweatpants that have suspect stains on them; shrug.

Ask Nigel if he thinks I'll do OK tonight; he runs under the couch.

Folks, talk about professional!!