Monday, January 02, 2006

OMG!!! Totally My Hopes 'n' Dreams 4 The New Year!!!!!!!!!

Things We Want To Happen in the New Year. *

-as drunkenly dictated over the phone & hastily typed by me at 3 am Eastern/12 am Pacific, by MikeBurns .




1. Bring back the trend of people calling cigarettes "fags". Although in 2006, cigarettes will fuck guys in the b-hole.


2. Eminem releases a re-mix of 2 Live Crew's "We Want Some Pussy" about daughter Hailey Jade.









3. More women to refer to "penis" as "wang" in sexual situations. Saying "dick" is so eightes.

4. 20% more black-on-black crime.



5. A middle-aged R&B singer who was overlooked even though he posseses a great amount of talent recieves recognition prior to having a fatal heart attack. Johnny Gill, I hope you're reading this.




6. More homeless crack addicts will exclaim, "I'm the boss of applesauce!" before stabbing a Wall Street piece of shit for thier pocket money.

7. A sharp increase in pro-lifers committing suicide.

8. (Insert unpleasant item that people don't like to ingest) will taste like bacon wrapped in wet dreams and sin.






9. All you can eat buffets will hire overweight mediocre self-deprecating amatuer stand up comedians to quip, "Are you sure want another serving? You don't want to end with more rolls than Puffy got Bentleys!" while manning the roast beef carving station.






10. There'd be just as many In-N-Out Burgers as Subways.


11. Frito will introduce new Don Henley-flavored Doritos.





12. Baby kitties finally evolve to the point where they can exclaim, "I love you, Mama!"






13. Jesus Christ finally returns to America, one final time, to rape Paris Hilton. (Of course, this goes without saying, but I'm clearly referring to Jesus Christ Hernandez, a dishwasher from Tiajuana who steals his cousin's 1993 Toyota Camry, drives to Los Angles in the midst of a meth rampage, breaks into Ms. Hilton's palatial estate, and sexually assaults her while holding her at bay with a screwdriver. For the record, Ms. Hilton has 3 orgasms).

14. Everyone refers to the vegatable celery as "trombone donuts".


15. 20% less black-on-black crime.





16. Women who type self-important blogs about things they want to happen in the new year will be impregnanted by sweaty busboys and then have to explain why their bastard child has a tan in the middle of a Midwestern winter.






17. Hires Root Beer will bring back Diet Hires Asparagus-Come-Flavored Root Beer, if asparagus produced semen. But they don't. So I guess that probbably won't happen. FUCK YOU, 2006!

*(with poor transcription and a few half-assed suggesstions from me that he humored but ultimately ignored for the good of all involved).

3 comments:

Mike said...

BARBER! Did you type that with mittens on?! You're making a tossed shit salad of my words Ivy League! Get it together.
(punches hole in drywall, sticks arm through hole, gives elderly neighbor the finger and smacks cup of hot tea out of her hand)

Brandy For Sale. said...

Hey sass mouth, why don't you take that nice tall can of Coors Lite you're no doubt swilling out of right this minute & shove it in yourself whilst writing some more set ups for JM J. Bullock's upcoming performance at the lauded "Open Wide for Pride Stand Up XXX-travaganza"?

Stay black,

Barber.

saraisloco said...

Good god will you two dimbulbs get a fucking room already??!